Ladies point of view really appreciated for struggling husband...

[ConfusedAnd47]

So, apologies if this comes out in a jumble but for the first time in my life my head is such an utter mess i just keep going around in circles and I’m hoping for opinions (good and bad) to help put things in perspective.

I guess what I’m trying to figure out is whether i’m just at a exceptionally low phase in a 22 year marriage which has overall been amazing, or whether I’m really ignoring/putting off some really uncomfortable decisions. So, the facts...

• We’ve been together 27 years with 2 kids from her previous marriage and one of our own. All grown up now and everyone gets on really well.

• We very rarely argue and up until about 5 years ago have always been very affectionate, passionate, open and loving. A perfect marriage for years and years.

• Five or so years ago we had our first serious issue where she thought I was having an affair with someone at work. I wasn’t, but I did get on really well with the girl and spoke a lot about her at home, which probably added to the impression. I did reassure my wife that yes I thought she was lovely but nothing was going on, and never would.

• I do find women much easier to talk to than men (have always been that way) but I’ve always taken a lot of pride in wanting to be seen as ‘nice’ but knowing where to draw the line, and I’ve always been faithful.

• A few months later I was then absolutely mortified to witness a FB message come through on her phone of a very intimate nature from a male friend. This absolutely shook me to my core and I was physically sick.

• A few nightmare days followed where it transpired she’d gone off to meet him after telling me she was at a friends, but apparently ‘nothing’ happened. Wrong I know but on this occasion I later sneaked a look at her phone and the FB/text messages only reinforced the idea that things had gone badly wrong.

• Lots of discussions later and I remain only mostly convinced this is the truth. I did however decide to forgive and move on at the time.

• Over the next few years our sex life has all but fizzled out which I’m finding increasingly more difficult to cope with, especially with the demon in the back of my head saying ‘but are you being too trusting?’, ‘ was that the only time?’ and ‘if she strayed why shouldn’t I?’

• I’m also a very touchy/cuddly person (which she always was too) and whilst I give here a hug most days this is very rarely ever initiated by her any more.

• And now I’m having to convince her I’m not having an affair with another girl so I’m now worried the whole cycle is going to start again.

We do talk a lot and I’m open and honest about everything (I believe she is too), but I am however now wondering if I (or we) ever really moved past this original issue. We are really close on every other aspect of our relationship, but I just can’t seem to get my head straight on whether we’re just drifting through a bad patch, or whether I’ve put off making the decision to make a clean break for too long.

I don’t want to throw away my marriage, but at the same time I’m trapped wondering whether we’re there already.

Any thoughts very much appreciated... thankyou

Do you think you're doing anything that's making her think you're having an affair? Have you got 'mentionitis' about the women you work with? What do you mean when you say, it went badly wrong?

So everything was perfect until this woman from work 5 years ago? I think you are downplaying the relevance and importance of this.

Sorry, but you were giving out classic signals of having an affair originally. And what proportion of men will admit to it when confronted? A too tiny minority.
So it sounds as if she was pretty much convinced you did have an affair, lied about it, and reacted against that.
Tbh, if you're married, getting on really well with a 'girl' at work and talking about her all the time at home, I'm not surprised your wife thought you had an inappropriate interest. Because you did. It probably seemed pretty disrespectful to your wife. Go see a therapist and talk it through.

I disagree with pp
Basically five yrs ago your wife started accusing you of an affair for which she had no proof.
You did all you could to reassure her.
At around the same time you find out she has been lying to you and has been communicating with and messaging another man, who she also met up with.
These messages were intimate.

So you did not have an affair but she did

Since she has been less affectionate, gone off sex with you and is now accusing you again of an affair...

Err... Wake up and smell the coffee.. Your wife has continued her affair and is trying to deflect from her behaviour by accusing you.

Hang on, she actually had an affair, you didn't.

How come it's all your fault and you're supposed to be making it up to her? I don't get it. If anyone should be making it up to anyone, she should be making it up to you.

Why are you having to convince her you're not having an affair again? Sounds to me like you get inappropriately close to women at work. Your wife obviously doesn't know what you're up to while there, but she does know that your interest must be very significant, seeing as you have mentionitis at home. That's not nice for any wife. It sounds like an emotional affair, which is what she subsequently had. You are both as bad as each other. It seems to have originated from the way you interact with other women too freely considering you are married, as you say it all started five years ago with the girl you found lovely, and talked about loads at home. Maybe look at how you can present yourself as a more safe partner, and she wouldn't be wondering if you're having an affair again.

Whatrejellybean said

So your in your 50s (ish), talking about 'girls' at work to your wife, meanwhile there is an empty nest at home and your wife is menopausal (ish), thinking you are having an affair / emotional affair and you think she has had an affair too. Perhaps you should consider counselling.

Disagree with some pp. It sounds like your wife was projecting her guilt onto you. Its the classic "im having an affair so you must be too, if i could do it you could" im not sure if im making sence but i hope you get my drift

I'm inclined to agree with theredjellybean

Councelling.

And if a woman was to write this mumsnetters would say the same thing as i have. Why are some of you saying that he must of showed signs. Its insinuating that it must be his fault somehow? Agree with jellybean.

I think you were insensitive to bang on about the girl at work

Your wife appears to be having at least an EA

The whole situation is a mess - You both need relationship counselling

Hmm, some interesting points here, thankyou everyone.

I fully understand how my mentionitis could seem insensitive to some people, but from my point of view I was doing my best to be open and honest, although perhaps naively (in hindsight) in the expectation that this would be taken as ‘the whole truth’ and provide some reassurance. Need to put some thought into this.

If I’m honest, I don’t believe she carried on after I confronted her, but I think we’ve kind of lulled ourselves into a kind of ‘let’s just get on with things’ state rather than actually tackle our individual issues.

We’ve talked through some of this tonight actually which is helping us to move on and I think we’re finally making slow and very much overdue progress.

I really appreciate the different views though, thankyou so much.

Of course something happened with the guy she met. You rugswept...and that's never healthy in the long run.

Would you be open to marriage counselling?

It sounds like your wife was projecting her guilt onto you. Its the classic "im having an affair so you must be too, if i could do it you could" im not sure if im making sence but i hope you get my drift

Yep. You’ll get a lot of people on here saying you’re wrong just because you’re a man OP so try and ignore those!

It’s fairly obvious she crossed a line: she lied to you about where she was and you found intimate conversations between them on her phone. Whether she thought you were having an affair or not her actions were wrong and perhaps even, as some others have suggested, projection onto you to absolve herself of the reality of her behaviour.

In any case, it’s clearly not been delt with, you’ve both just humbled along and are now in a situation where emotional communication has fizzled and trust is broken and now she’s accusing you of another affair. I’d say this is the end of the road.

If my wife had an affair when I had been faithful I would be furious-you seem too placid

I’ve been married same amount of time as you OP and a similar scenario, except I haven’t had an affair. H though did have an emotional affair/infatuation that I found out by chance years later as he wrote it all down. It’s very hard to feel quite the same again to be honest

Girls? How old are these people?
Sounds like one big mess to be honest.

Sounds like loss of trust on both sides (no blame).
Counselling recommend to save the marriage. See if she would be willing to see Relate or equivalent.

Accusing you of an affair was probably her 'projecting'
But this is now a non starter.
No affection.
No sexual relationship.
No trust.
I suggest you try relate counselling but I think you are now flogging a dead horse.
Life is short.
Live it to it's fullest!

Actually what happened is she was having an affair and projected that into you.

Men can't win. If they have a female friend and don't mention her, they are hiding something. If they do mention her it's mentionitis and they are wanting an affair actually having one.

Your wife cheated and is possibly cheating again. She is projecting onto you, what she is doing.

Your husband having a female friend, is not an excuse for cheating.

^ what Notacluewhatthisis said.

Agree with others that your wife is/was projecting.

Either way, the relationship you have now with her isn’t sustainable. Counselling might help or I’m afraid you’re going to have to bite the bullet and divorce. You’ve still got, on the averages, another 20-30 years of reasonable quality life ahead of you. Why spend it in this kind of married “life?”