Ladies point of view really appreciated for struggling husband...

[ConfusedAnd47]

So, apologies if this comes out in a jumble but for the first time in my life my head is such an utter mess i just keep going around in circles and I’m hoping for opinions (good and bad) to help put things in perspective.

I guess what I’m trying to figure out is whether i’m just at a exceptionally low phase in a 22 year marriage which has overall been amazing, or whether I’m really ignoring/putting off some really uncomfortable decisions. So, the facts...

• We’ve been together 27 years with 2 kids from her previous marriage and one of our own. All grown up now and everyone gets on really well.

• We very rarely argue and up until about 5 years ago have always been very affectionate, passionate, open and loving. A perfect marriage for years and years.

• Five or so years ago we had our first serious issue where she thought I was having an affair with someone at work. I wasn’t, but I did get on really well with the girl and spoke a lot about her at home, which probably added to the impression. I did reassure my wife that yes I thought she was lovely but nothing was going on, and never would.

• I do find women much easier to talk to than men (have always been that way) but I’ve always taken a lot of pride in wanting to be seen as ‘nice’ but knowing where to draw the line, and I’ve always been faithful.

• A few months later I was then absolutely mortified to witness a FB message come through on her phone of a very intimate nature from a male friend. This absolutely shook me to my core and I was physically sick.

• A few nightmare days followed where it transpired she’d gone off to meet him after telling me she was at a friends, but apparently ‘nothing’ happened. Wrong I know but on this occasion I later sneaked a look at her phone and the FB/text messages only reinforced the idea that things had gone badly wrong.

• Lots of discussions later and I remain only mostly convinced this is the truth. I did however decide to forgive and move on at the time.

• Over the next few years our sex life has all but fizzled out which I’m finding increasingly more difficult to cope with, especially with the demon in the back of my head saying ‘but are you being too trusting?’, ‘ was that the only time?’ and ‘if she strayed why shouldn’t I?’

• I’m also a very touchy/cuddly person (which she always was too) and whilst I give here a hug most days this is very rarely ever initiated by her any more.

• And now I’m having to convince her I’m not having an affair with another girl so I’m now worried the whole cycle is going to start again.

We do talk a lot and I’m open and honest about everything (I believe she is too), but I am however now wondering if I (or we) ever really moved past this original issue. We are really close on every other aspect of our relationship, but I just can’t seem to get my head straight on whether we’re just drifting through a bad patch, or whether I’ve put off making the decision to make a clean break for too long.

I don’t want to throw away my marriage, but at the same time I’m trapped wondering whether we’re there already.

Any thoughts very much appreciated... thankyou

Again some very interesting viewpoints. Thankyou all for taking the time to post replies. Off to try and fix things and finish some long overdue conversations. I think we at least owe each other a proper attempt at fixing things then see where we go from there.
Thanks again everyone

I too think your wife was projecting. I think she had an affair and wanted to minimise the guilt and blame you to justify it in her head. You both swept it under the carpet and didn't fix the relationship.

There is an enormous amount of work that needs to be done to regain trust and build the relationship back up again if you want to move on from an affair. It needs truth on both sides and you need to enjoy each others company again, make time to do stuff together. Talk it out and see where it takes you.

It sounds like you want it to work but she checked out years ago. If she's not affectionate and used to be, plus she almost certainly had a physical and emotional affair then it would take a lot to repair this marriage.

Definitely have an honest conversation, don't waste more years.

I don't agree with the 'projecting' which a lot of ppl have mentioned. I would say this no matter whether the person was male or female. A number of times I've posted (under different names over the years) bout something and being accused of projecting. But I can definitely say that I wasn't the one who went off and had an affair, it was dh. So when something is looking dodgy and I confront him about it, it's not because I'm projecting my affair onto him, it's because he's done something before and is looking dodgy again. Therefore in my eyes, your wife, who suspects you of doing something in the past, is carrying forward her worries from that time. 'Projecting' is an inaccurate analysis in some circumstances.
But you haven't answered why she suspects you of an affair this time, have you? I my opinion it doesn't just come out of nowhere. What triggered it?

As to what has caused this second scenario, it’s definitely because I’ve been talking about people at work a lot, and we did discuss this recently. I take your point on the carried forward from last time aspect, and likely it’s been made worse by the unresolved items mentioned above. Whilst I’ve been very fond of both people, that’s absolutely been the limit.

Could I perhaps play down some of these conversations to be more sensitive? Yes, probably, but to me this would also feel less honest, if that makes any sense. The degree of trust on the other side also has a big bearing on this though, and it’s this combination that I think we need to reflect and work on.

Thanks again

Why do you feel the need to go on and on about the lovely women from work though? I wouldn't expect that from anyone, unless there was a reason I'd be interested to hear all your conversation. The facts that you appear to talk about your interactions with the many women at work so often is probably pretty grating for your wife. Is this balanced by reporting back on interaction with men you find lovely? Do you see where I'm coming from? Good luck sorting it out. I think your DW would benefit from you going on about other women a lot less, tbh, no matter how honest or not you feel that is. If she asks, give her a brief factual report back, and get some more male friends!

Completely agree with Whiskas. Stop banging on about these "lovely" women at work, for God's sake! You may think that you are being honest, but actually you are showing the emotional intelligence of a lentil.

It's actually quite disrespectful to your wife.

I may have misrepresented myself a bit in my previous post, in that this is not ALL I talk about, but rather part of the conversation when I come home and we’re talking about our days, which in turn is part of other conversations too. And yes I do talk about other people (guys included), what went well or badly, career aspirations, how our future looks etc. I have focused this post on one aspect though as this is the part where we have our issue and that I wanted to understand better

Yep...she's having it off with someone else and projecting on you.

Yes you can be more sensitive to try and save your marriage but please remember that both of you need to change and improve. Don't downplay her affair/ONS it has a massive bearing on things.

You mention being nice at work. I know someone like this, Mr Charm, who wins the best manager annual award from his devoted (mainly female) staff. But is a moody grump at home, I imagine because it's the place he can be his true self. And ignores the fact it is depressing and funless for his wife, living with him. That may not be you though.
Seems that life has changed, DCs are gone, so what is your future looking like, are you moving to the coast when you retire, are you taking up lots of shared hobbies?
What do you have to look forward to? Some conversations needed.

Whiskas people aren’t saying the wife is projecting because she’s suspicious, they’re saying it because she cheated before.

It's actually quite disrespectful to your wife.

I guess the wife’s cheating was a shining example of respect. 🙄

hecky that would be true only if she was having an affair at this time too. And OP found evidence of possible EA, which is also what his DW suspected him of having first, so I don't think it's a case of her having an affair at the moment and therefore also suspecting him at the same time. Not everyone having an affair does that AFAIK from experience. However, I also know from experience that once there has been substantial doubt about the fidelity of a partner, if the same circumstances arise, you may very well suspect something, and be totally innocent yourself. And get told you are projecting. So it's not that simple.

Forgot to add, if the projection theory was true, wouldn't that mean the DW was also having/ had an affair when she first suspected OP of having his first affair? There was no evidence of that. Just because she had a possible EA before (which she thought OP had done first) doesn't mean she's doing it again. And I say that because I know I haven't been cheating when I've been accused of projection, not because I'd automatically defend a woman over a man, before someone starts that.
I'm not saying she's not cheating for sure, I'm just saying the accusation of projection is not always the case.

I'm very sorry, if a male sent me something inappropriate I would block him straight away if she went to his house after the message that was completely disrespectful to You. I wouldn't talk so much about females as it clearly gets too her, imagen your wife mentioning a male all the time too you it would make you feel weird, what she did was out of order she went off with a man as soon as she suspected you.

If you want to save your marriage, I suggest you tell her how much you love her and plead with her to go to counselling. You need an impartial person to help you learn to communicate again.

I think we at least owe each other a proper attempt at fixing things then see where we go from there.

That's the crux of the matter. As long as your wife thinks the same, you should try counselling. Five years is a long time to be struggling a bit in a marriage.