Ive confused him tonight!

[thinkimgettingthere]

Please bear with me, this is my first posting!

There is so much back history to this, but today this is what has happened.....

Celebrated our 30th wedding anniversary (I asked if he was sure he wanted to do this) in a hotel recently, 30 or so family memebers, renewal of vows etc, he got blind drunk, couldn't even stand to have a dance! although denies this even when family members told him this! wish we hadn't have wasted all that money! certainly wasn't the day I envisaged... very sad in fact.

My husband of 30 years (2nd marriage) has always liked to play mind games with me, so any argument always looks like its my fault, manages to turn any disagreement to me being the one to start/blame. He likes to have the upper hand and I'm quick tempered, and he knows how to push my buttons, and this he uses to his advantage.

However, today.... I awoke before him, I'm not sleeping well, menopause issues, I had a shower, he has got up, wanting to start an argument, enticing me into answering him back, I reined in my defensive mode and managed to talk to him without raising my voice and got myself busy cooking a roast dinner like nothing was wrong, this just left him bemused and confused.... he's ate his dinner, consumed a bottle of wine and gone to bed! I am so proud of myself...days like today means it normally ends up with a screaming match and full blown argument, which sometimes ends up physical on both of our parts I'm ashamed to say.

All this sounds a bit disjointed I know.... Don't know what the future holds, he is retired, I'm still working fulltime since the new pension rules came into effect. hey ho!

Oh OP everything about this sounds awful. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life? What is it you want from posting here, I'm sure lots of people will be along to offer excellent practical advice about leaving if you want to hear that?

You get one life OP, don't waste it like this.

OP - isn’t not the wasted money for the anniversary party - it’s the way you live...

Do you enjoy having weekly weekend arguments that turn physical???
Or have a husband who plays mind games and blames it all on you????

Why on earth would you live like this????
I’d be gone after the 1st physical argument.
🤷🏻‍♀️

@thinkimgettingthere I'm afraid to say your husband sounds very manipulative and controlling.
Has he always been this way? Have the last 30 years been this tiresome or was it better at some time?

I know we are all different, but I would seriously question if this man has any qualities that make it worth staying with him for another 30

Why did you renew your vows in a relationship like this? It sounds toxic

When he’s nice, he’s really nice... I just feel so miserable sometimes. I’m in a house that I couldn’t afford on my own, would have to move, which I’m not terrified about... but he has children as I have, who have absolutely no idea what goes on, not sure they would believe it if I told them.... on the surface my life looks perfect on paper! Clearly it isn’t. The last time we got physical I took my myself off to a local hotel for a night to diffuse the situation only to find the police turn up on my doorstep a couple of days later as my husband had reported me for DV. He told them he didn’t want to take it any further which they badgered him for a coupe of days after to press charges, he didn’t go through with it. What the hell is wrong with me!

Well done OP for resisting the urge to argue! Do you think you can keep it up? I've often heard on here that you can't change people but you can change how you react to them, wise words that I need to follow also.
I'm guessing at this stage in your life you don't want to leave him? He sounds really unpleasant. Can you avoid going out in public with him when he's likely to drink? Let him destroy himself, not you.

You've already given him 30 years of your life. Don't give him another.

I don't understand why you are with him. And certainly why you cook a Sunday roast in a pretence of Happy Families and renew the vows of a toxic marriage.

I don't understand people who live like this

OP - after this long marriage - all your assets would be split in half...
So - you will be Ok....

And what’s wrong is you is Stockholm syndrome. You’ve been conditioned to believe that this life is normal.

Really - don’t waste your life. It doesn’t matter what anyone would believe or not. Only important what you know is true.

What the hell are you doing staying with him. Move to a smaller place where you can be yourself without an idiot playing mind games.

You mention the family don’t know what goes on between you - what is going on is nothing to do with the family. It is happening behind your closed front door. Why would anyone put up with this behaviour. The family would adjust to what happens. FFS your well being/mental state comes first

Part of me wants to say ‘F**k you, I’m not giving up my home, (he’s older than I am) knowing I’ve got to start from the bottom up again at my age! I wouldn’t be able to claim in his pension as far as I know either. No I don’t got out NYE for example any more due to him getting drunk & then telling me I get it all out of proportion the following day, so I stay home instead, let him drink what he wants and then he goes to bed early. Love my grand children to pieces and they love their granddad!

So this is what your life has become

You congratulate yourself on scoring "points" against someone you have just cooked a sunday lunch for. And I assume you have done all the clearing up since he necked a bottle of vino and fucked off to bed

Congrats on that one

If you're married you're entitled to half his pension, AFAIK.

Life can begin again at 60.

To be honest, you BOTH sound like this has ended up with you BOTH being toxic.

Existing only to fuck eachother off. Seeing who lives the longest and gets the house.

If this is what you want for your life, that's fine.

You are literally throwing your life away with this man. You're smarter than that, surely?

You’d think I SHOULD be smarter right! Perhaps this has just validated what’s really been happening, but why do I feel this is all my fault.

Ducks in a row time perhaps...

I'm in my 60s OP and couldn't live like this. Seek legal advice about finances, so you know where you stand, should you decide to leave.

I'm happily single, but have a FWB for going out and stuff. Much better than living like you and your DH do!

My mum left my dad this year after 47 years of marriage. When he was nice, he was nice, but he was an absolute arsehole a lot of the time - long periods of not speaking to her, withdrawal of affection etc. She walked on eggshells for a lot of her married life.
She's divorced him so she could get half his pension as she didn't have much of one after part time work etc....
She did A LOT of hand wringing for a long time and really agonised over her choices.
She's now 72 and living in a little flat. I'm not saying every day is rosey - she struggles being on her own BUT she doesn't have to put up with his abuse anymore at least.

I think your mum is a very brave lady 👌

I have just left my husband after 30yrs, just couldn't put up with it any longer, I have moved in with my daughter and actually loving it.

No stress, I can be who I want to be

I'm assuming if you've been married 30 years and your DC aren't joint (that's how I'm reading your OP, forgive me if I've misunderstood) then all your DC are well into their 30s. Having had some experience of life by now, I'm pretty sure they will understand if you simply give them the basic info of "your stepdad and me aren't getting on well and I'm preparing to leave. I could use your help [looking for a flat to rent/packing up my stuff/on moving day/being with me when I tell him as I'm concerned he may react aggressively/just moral support and a hand hold.]"

You don't have to keep living like this. See a solicitor, find out what your entitlements are.

@thinkimgettingthere - not brave, just totally worn down by it all. He finally pushed her over the edge.