:-( no affection x

[Gnrdamwib]

Hi there

Just really upset and tearful :(

Me and my partner love each other very much. But I can’t cope with the lack of affection, physical contact and sex :(

We met two years ago. We are both 36. The first few months was amazing. He held my hand in public. He cuddled me on the couch. We had sex every day.

Two years on...it couldn’t be any different :( x

I noticed a change after the first few months of seeing each other. He suddenly wasn’t all over me and didn’t hold my hand in public (he started to say, ‘we’re not kids anymore’). When I pointed out that we had previously, he would say - well we are in a relationship now (as if to say he only did those things in the early days to get me and now he had me he didn’t need to do it anymore).

I pride myself on being a faithful woman...I am against cheating but as I feel constantly sexually frustrated, I am betraying myself mentally and feeling guilty because of it (I.E if I get a man coming on to me, I imagine for a split second what it would be like to have sex with them) :( Me and my partner probably have sex 2-3 times a month. That isn’t enough for me. It just isn’t. He is completely happy with this arrangement. When I try to make a move on him, he always says he can’t think about that now as he has too much on his mind from work.

This morning, I snuggled up to him and tried to make a move...he told me the same thing...babe, I can’t think about that right now - work is on my mind. I just said ‘don’t forget about me’ which I think shocked him a bit because then he held me for a long time. Still no sex.

We planned on a duvet day today. I had to get out the bed and on to the couch because the frustration was too much.

It’s getting to the point whereby if he goes out anywhere, I rush to go and relieve myself every time. Sorry TMI. :(

He is a very rough and tough kind of man. He’s a builder who also has his own internet business (this is what keeps his mind distracted from me and everything else). He isn’t the type of man to entertain a deep discussion about this. He wouldn’t go to counselling or anything like that. He is quite a straight talking man if you know what I mean.

When we have sex - it is on his terms only. When he wants it. And when he wants it, he wants it there and then. It lasts a few minutes. I have tried to be more adventurous and prolong things and have spoken with him about this but he is a bit of a prude.

Lately, I’ve lost weight to get to a healthy BMI. I have changed my hair. I always have my hair and face done and like to look nice - I do all of that for myself not for him but...a bit of appreciation wouldn’t go amiss x

It’s like he has thought to himself - I’ve got her now and so don’t have to do all that stuff anymore.

I tried to hold his hand in public the other day and he snatched it away. I asked - am I really so embarrassing to be seen out with to which he’s like - don’t be ridiculous - it’s just we are not 12 anymore. When we were out of public view walking home, he took my hand then.

When I cuddle him, he says things like ‘and what is this actually doing for you, huh?’ And ‘but I already cuddled you once today’ :(
I don’t know how to cope with the lack of sex and physical affection. He told me when we first met that he loved cuddling on the couch all night and watching a film (he said this because I put something on my dating profile about enjoying an affectionate man, cuddled etc). When I remind him of this now he just laughs and says - well it worked saying that didn’t it? (I.E I only said that to attract you)

:-( This is so difficult because - if he doesn’t want sex with me, I can’t exactly force him to can I? Two weeks ago...I said...babe can we have some ‘us’ time tonight...he asked what I meant and I said ‘well as I will be out of action for a week soon, I thought you and I could have some special time’. He just flat out said ‘NO’.

If I dress up really sexy and try and seduce him, he’ll enjoy the show and be enthusiastic....but when I try to touch him he will say ‘get off...I’m busy’

I feel like he is depriving me.

This sounds horrid but...I wish I could have a man to just take me somewhere and sort me out. For hours. A man that is really in to me and wants me for longer than a few minutes. I imagine it - some men make it clear they are interested and I feel so guilty for thinking this about them. I want that with my boyfriend, not them.

God. Sorry, all :( can hardly see for the tears so they’ll likely be spelling errors xx

Leave.
You aren’t compatible and this will all end badly.

Thanks for the reply. Thing is...I don’t want to leave him. But...I admit...I can’t carry on like this can I? :(

Ps - I’m not an insecure woman. I just like him as a person...I just want him + more affection and sex. I literally have to chase him around the house for a hug when I get in from work (he says ‘babe - I see you every day. We don’t need to hug’) 😡

Look - read through the multiple threads on here....
Lots of variations.

You can stay - but either have to supress your sex drive - or find a man on the side who’ll be a friend with benefits....
Neither of those are a great way to go....

It’s too early to lose the sex drive/affection after 2 years of s relationship. And in mid 30s.

So - 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wow, just had too recheck your ages...
Sorry you need to text him, say this lack of sex and romance at our age is not what I expect from a relationship... What are you going to do to change it...
Sorry but you are still very young to me, please don't accept less than your worth frown a lier.

Oh that's no kind of life for you. I suppose there are good things about him but the fact is he makes you feel awful about yourself, so that has to outweigh anything he does bring to the relationship.

When you do have sex it sounds awful, too - it's all on his terms and it doesn't sound very enjoyable for you.

There are much nicer guys out there for you.

He sounds horrid

Are there really any good points in your relationship?

If your not married or have kids why don't you go for a man who is interested in you?

When I cuddle him, he says things like ‘and what is this actually doing for you, huh?’ And ‘but I already cuddled you once today’

It sounds like he enjoys humiliating you and witholding affection from you. Are you aware that this can be a tactic employed by abusive men? He is basically mocking your need for affection and openly telling you he conned you into a relationship.

It sounds like it's a short marriage with no dc. I'd get rid, none of this is anywhere near normal.

humans.media/what-is-emotional-withholding

Thank you so much everyone xx

I’m a right mess - on the couch - he’s asleep in the bedroom because he was up all night working :( I can’t thank you enough for your comments xx

Suppressing my sex drive is making me very unhappy :( and although I fantasise about sex with other men I don’t think I could live with myself for doing that. I connected eyes with a nice looking man in Asda (lol) the other day and the first thing that entered my mind was being intimidate with him. I think he was on his lunch break..noticed he was in full work gear...looked to be some kind of workman...so appealing, nice arms...and I was all over the place thinking about it. I would never have previously looked at another man for so long to notice things like that. I couldn’t concentrate. I am too shy to approach a man...but I fear I could they way I’m feeling. There’s a desperate woman for you :(

I am so jealous of other ladies who’s husbands and boyfriends satisfy them. I wish I could be satisfied :(

I know. We are 36. I feel like...he is just taking me for granted :( god I’m so unhappy, can’t stop crying about it today. Like he’s...well she’s mine now so I don’t have to try anymore.

I could text him...maybe from work tomorrow and say...things have just got to change. This is how I feel and so what can be done? He closes me down when I have tried previously...I was outside the bedroom last night and said (because he got annoyed because I had come up behind him and hugged him when he was busy) - you know...hugging is a normal thing to do. He shut the door in my face. I said ‘that’s mature...closing me down like that’ and he said - well I know what you’re like. I don’t know what he means by this because we don’t row and there is no confrontation on my part ever. I’m a scaredy cat when it comes to confrontation.

I know there are men out there that may be better suited to me in this regard. I know this. I have been in a couple of other relationships and have seen men previously...all of them seemed quite enthusiastic about the physical side of things.

Good points to the relationship...yes...many...the only thing that is lacking (on my part, he wouldn’t agree with this) is the lack of sex and physical contact/affection :( xx

Sigh. Fed up :( xx

Skarlet thank you as well for your thoughts too. We aren’t actually married so...well that’s one less complication. I will certainly check this out xx

Don't text - TALK .

Wow - that link. Not read it all but ‘since humans need love and affection in order to feel happy in a relationship’ has made me feel better. So I’m not being unreasonable xx

Thank you xx

OP... name change fail there.

My take is you aren't compatible. He lied to suck you in ... and it seems like he is embarrassed if he can hold your hand in private.

You're vulnerable to having an affair with the state of your relationship.

Sex on his terms..his way. What if you said no, you're not in the mood. Bet you'd see an even worse side of him.

Does he take time to ensure your needs are looked after...or is it all about him?

I don't see how he can be nice in every other area except this

Are you sure you aren't just kidding yourself ?

The description of him shutting the door in your face because you tried to hug him is really grim. This is outright abuse. This is not, and never was an intimacy issue.It's an abuse issue. If you are someone who considers abuse to be black eyes it might be hard to grasp.

Emotional abuse like this can have devastating effects. It is a waste of your time attempting to discuss this with him. It's a sick power play. I would do the 180 on his miserable ass and get rid.

You are emotionally and physically unfulfilled.
If he is unwilling to change, leave him. Otherwise, things will only get worse especially if have children together.

*you

Hi op my friends partner was like this when he got with her! Wouldn't dare hold her hand out in public or cuddle. No affection

This may sound really horrible but is he living in your house? Not contributing to hh income? The reason I ask is because my friends partner once came out with (to a friend of a friend) "I'm not even attracted to her really it's just convenient "

It was that word CONVENIENT that said it all.. basically he was after just moving out from parents house in a better place n knew she lived in a semi good area with own house etc

Shockingly , she is STILL with him even after finding that out but she has very low self-esteem, she's overweight also a single mum so I think she's just happy she has someone. She will sometimes admit to me that he's not the love of her life but he'll do"
It's so sad she deserves better

Just wondering if you have low self esteem and he's picked up on that and taking advantage?

Thanks so much everyone xx every message is appreciated although a bit tough to read (I need telling though, I know).

He is still asleep :( I’ve calmed down a bit but still upset - it helps to have found support here I didn’t expect it xx

He contributes and makes a lot of money but I’m not fussed about that as I’ve never been in to striving to have lots of money I just like to be comfy. He is generous with money...I have everything xx just not him :( he says things like he is working hard for our future and so we can buy our own house (renting) and so that he can pay my car off by Christmas etc etcwhich I am grateful for but all that is at the cost of a healthy sex life and relationship :( he shows his love with gifts...stuff...but.....I’d rather he showed it by him putting his hands on me!!!!!

Closing the door in my face hurt and I felt a surge of anger...but kept calm. I am really going to reflect on this. The thought of it is making me angry again now.

Sex is always on his terms and I know this sounds weird but I have never turned him down for sex. By the time he wants it, I’m always so desperate for it because it has been so long that I won’t waste the opportunity. It is always 2-3 minutes long...every time x x he is attracted to me...I can see it. Just don’t get to feel it too often lol

What is frustrating is that I will arouse him...but he then won’t do anything with it!! Like....he will enjoy the arousal and then say something dismissive like, ‘stop it, naughty...’ then he will get up and go do something else.

When we first met...it was crazy. He’s taking me for granted :( I know he is xx

www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/subtle_sexual_abuse.html

Withholding Sex and Affection
The sexual controller does not just demand or force sexual acts, but is just as likely to withhold sexual intercourse or intimacy. It might be conditional on our behaviour or on our participating in certain sexual acts with which we do not feel comfortable. He will also withhold affection in the form of just cuddling or kissing unless it leads to sex. It is either sexual intercourse or nothing. Or he will tell us we are a tease for wanting affection without it automatically leading to intercourse, leaving us feeling guilty. Refusing intimacy is a form of subtle sexual abuse because it is a way controlling sex - it is the flip side of demanding sex.

Since frequently our feelings of self-worth are tied up with our perceived sexual desirability (see the cultural influences above), sexual withholding leaves us feeling unattractive and 'less of a woman'.
They will refuse our sexual advances. He has to be in control of sex, when, where and what takes place. He will also call us a whore for being sexual creature and wanting that sexual intimacy. He is also telling us that our sexual needs, desires and preferences are of no value.

Withholding affection, intimacy and intercourse from us not only attacks our feelings of self worth, but also leave us open to more coerced sexual acts. In our need and desire for intimacy we are more likely to agree to sexual acts we would under normal circumstances have refused.

Controlling Sexual Intercourse
The sexual abuser is the persona in the Freedom Programme who is called the sexual controller, and that really describes very well the use of subtle sexual abuse within the context of domestic violence.

Any sexual or intimate act can only be on his terms, and we frequently don't recognise this subtle sexual abuse as being abusive. But as with withholding sex and affection and coercing or forcing sex after an assault or argument, we soon learn that any intimacy or sexual intercourse will have to be on his terms. He will control when we have sex, and will often demand it when it is completely unsuitable, for instance while we are cooking dinner or looking after the children.

I really recommend reading Lundy Bancrofts Why does he do that , and also the freedom programme.

How selfish, sex only on his terms and him shutting you down every time you try and broach the subject.

You deserve to have your needs net too.

I think this relationship is dead in the water. Don't be surprised if you give him an ultimatum that he chooses to get out of the relationship.

You really deserve more. If he can't provide it, get out now. No point putting off the inevitable. Take care, sorry you are going through this xx

Whether or not he is controlling or just plain emotionally ignorant-you are incompatible .I am much older than you and still expect my hand held in public, spontaneous displays of affection,and excellent sex that goes on for hours. I don't think you have a future because not only do you have fundamental differences in your expectations, he refuses to discuss it. He's getting what he wants,and that's fine by him. Selfish arse.

Life is to short leave.

Wish I had a partner like you. When my other half gets her way she just rolls over and goes to sleep leaving me alone and frustrated. That’s dependent on that illusive blue moon showing up to begin with. Heck. It’s been years since I had any fun. And I’m not much older than you. Mercifully since being with her my sex drive died a death. It was a lovely wake. Had lovely nibbles and wine to see it off.

Assuming all other aspects of your life are rainbows and unicorns there’s two possibilities. Either he has some sort of medical or emotional issue with sex or he has a low or non existent sex drive. If it’s the former and you can get through to him a trip to the GP might fix that. It’s a sensitive tooic for us guys. Better to make excuses and shut down the conversation that confess there’s a problem.

If it’s the latter then you have a decision to make. It sounds like you two aren’t singing on the same hymn sheet to me. In which case you must consider moving on to find someone more compatible for you. But I sympathise.