:-( no affection x

[Gnrdamwib]

Hi there

Just really upset and tearful :(

Me and my partner love each other very much. But I can’t cope with the lack of affection, physical contact and sex :(

We met two years ago. We are both 36. The first few months was amazing. He held my hand in public. He cuddled me on the couch. We had sex every day.

Two years on...it couldn’t be any different :( x

I noticed a change after the first few months of seeing each other. He suddenly wasn’t all over me and didn’t hold my hand in public (he started to say, ‘we’re not kids anymore’). When I pointed out that we had previously, he would say - well we are in a relationship now (as if to say he only did those things in the early days to get me and now he had me he didn’t need to do it anymore).

I pride myself on being a faithful woman...I am against cheating but as I feel constantly sexually frustrated, I am betraying myself mentally and feeling guilty because of it (I.E if I get a man coming on to me, I imagine for a split second what it would be like to have sex with them) :( Me and my partner probably have sex 2-3 times a month. That isn’t enough for me. It just isn’t. He is completely happy with this arrangement. When I try to make a move on him, he always says he can’t think about that now as he has too much on his mind from work.

This morning, I snuggled up to him and tried to make a move...he told me the same thing...babe, I can’t think about that right now - work is on my mind. I just said ‘don’t forget about me’ which I think shocked him a bit because then he held me for a long time. Still no sex.

We planned on a duvet day today. I had to get out the bed and on to the couch because the frustration was too much.

It’s getting to the point whereby if he goes out anywhere, I rush to go and relieve myself every time. Sorry TMI. :(

He is a very rough and tough kind of man. He’s a builder who also has his own internet business (this is what keeps his mind distracted from me and everything else). He isn’t the type of man to entertain a deep discussion about this. He wouldn’t go to counselling or anything like that. He is quite a straight talking man if you know what I mean.

When we have sex - it is on his terms only. When he wants it. And when he wants it, he wants it there and then. It lasts a few minutes. I have tried to be more adventurous and prolong things and have spoken with him about this but he is a bit of a prude.

Lately, I’ve lost weight to get to a healthy BMI. I have changed my hair. I always have my hair and face done and like to look nice - I do all of that for myself not for him but...a bit of appreciation wouldn’t go amiss x

It’s like he has thought to himself - I’ve got her now and so don’t have to do all that stuff anymore.

I tried to hold his hand in public the other day and he snatched it away. I asked - am I really so embarrassing to be seen out with to which he’s like - don’t be ridiculous - it’s just we are not 12 anymore. When we were out of public view walking home, he took my hand then.

When I cuddle him, he says things like ‘and what is this actually doing for you, huh?’ And ‘but I already cuddled you once today’ :(
I don’t know how to cope with the lack of sex and physical affection. He told me when we first met that he loved cuddling on the couch all night and watching a film (he said this because I put something on my dating profile about enjoying an affectionate man, cuddled etc). When I remind him of this now he just laughs and says - well it worked saying that didn’t it? (I.E I only said that to attract you)

:-( This is so difficult because - if he doesn’t want sex with me, I can’t exactly force him to can I? Two weeks ago...I said...babe can we have some ‘us’ time tonight...he asked what I meant and I said ‘well as I will be out of action for a week soon, I thought you and I could have some special time’. He just flat out said ‘NO’.

If I dress up really sexy and try and seduce him, he’ll enjoy the show and be enthusiastic....but when I try to touch him he will say ‘get off...I’m busy’

I feel like he is depriving me.

This sounds horrid but...I wish I could have a man to just take me somewhere and sort me out. For hours. A man that is really in to me and wants me for longer than a few minutes. I imagine it - some men make it clear they are interested and I feel so guilty for thinking this about them. I want that with my boyfriend, not them.

God. Sorry, all :( can hardly see for the tears so they’ll likely be spelling errors xx

Leave him. He sounds bloody awful. You owe him nothing. He's virtually told you he lied on his dating profile to get you interested. Tell him it's over, move out, find yourself a bloke who actually wants you.

If you carry on like this you will start resenting him.
You need a proper chat where you give him a chance to be open and ask why he keeps rejecting your advances and hand holding - it's not all about him and his needs. You do things for others because you love them and want them to be happy but tbh if he isn't wanting the same you aren't to be.
You also need to get across you are serious that if things done improve you are out because you can't live the rest if your days like this. He thinks he has you and that's it. No.. relationships take work throughout!
It may "only" be this aspect of the relationship but it's a big part!!

You aren’t compatible. Leave before you get totally depressed. Find somebody who will sort you out on a regular basis

Read the Aspergers support thread (similar relationships on there) and then get the hell out and find someone better! Good luck

When we have sex - it is on his terms only. When he wants it. And when he wants it, he wants it there and then. It lasts a few minutes
Vile and selfish. You deserve better, you really do. We have one life, dont waste it x

Wonder if he's gay?

Hi Everyone
I just wanted to say huge THANKS for all the support. I have read every message - I am so grateful.
Last night when he woke up the first thing he said was...have I done something wrong?? I said...why do you say that? He said I was acting weird.
I then told him that I think he is working so much for our future that he’s going to destroy it and that I’m neglected and sexually frustrated.
He didn’t say a word. This is another way of closing me down - he just won’t engage with it. I went to bed and was cold and distant for the rest of the night. Immature but I had deliberately left the thing I use for relief in the shower hoping he would see it and think...whoa...I should do that for her...poor lass, it’s been too long and she must be feeling it etc etc
This morning he came in the sitting room (where I had slept) and was overly interested in me. Saying...about last night, I a sorry and I love you and need to change. I didn’t say much but went about getting ready for work...wasn’t rude but still acting a bit cold.
I got texts and a call at work today and tonight he asks me to join him in bed as he’s taking the night off work!! Wow, I thought!! That’s not like him!!
Anyways, one thing led to another and he ended up ‘sorting me out’ lol. Usually I have to do most of the work but tonight I didn’t.
Anyway - within minutes it was over and he was asleep and I’m now on the couch feeling a lot happier.
It’s a start...I just hope he can maintain it!! xx we shall see what the next few days bring but I will be spending time reflecting on all of the messages you have kindly posted. Thank you so much again xx

It won’t change. If it does, it’ll only last a few weeks then it’ll go back to how it has been

he ended up sorting me out

Does that not upset you, op? Does it not make you feel like a chore? Sorry I really really don’t wish to upset you. But this man should be willingly having sex with you enjoying it. “Sorting you out” because you’ve threatened to leave means nothing.

You are not compatible. He has “sorted you out” because you threatened to leave. He is a liar and manipulative, he told you everything you wanted to hear to reel you in and once he’d succeeded all that effort stopped.

Find somebody who loves you, shows you affection and is proud to hold your hand in public! Not someone who “sorts you out” because you threaten to leave.

He sounds horrible.

Arg, this sounds awful.
I think it would perhaps be different if it were JUST a case of mismatched sex drives - i.e. he only wanted sex once a week and you'd prefer it more often - but when you did have sex it was great and you were left feeling satisfied, for example. BUT, this is clearly not the case. When the sex happens it sounds rubbish frankly - he clearly has no interest in pleasing you, and therefore he has no respect for you. Also, the withdrawal of any kind of affection really does sound emotionally abusive to me. It's one thing for someone to have a low sex drive; it's another showing your partner no affection at all. Me and my partner have different sex drives (mine is higher), but for me it's a compromise I decided I was willing to make as he's so loving and affectionate in other ways, AND when we have sex I really enjoy it and he really cares about my experience. OP I strongly urge you to rethink this relationship - you sound lovely and self-aware and deserve much better. And clearly you are getting interest from other people! Please don't sell yourself short. x

And you're only 36? Well, unless you take a decision now, you could have another 40 odd years of his mental games and sexual frustration ahead of you!

@Moffa Hi. Do you have a link for that tread? I can't find it and would really like to read. TIA

Leave. If you don't you will convince yourself that everything is fine after being thrown little pieces of affection/sex. Your desire for love, affection and sex will increase and his rejection will destroy you. You deserve better.

OP you sound lovely, it's heartbreaking to read how unhappy he makes you feel. Simple gestures of physical affection are so important, and his disregard and contempt for your reasonable and loving desire for these gestures is a clear sign that you have to leave him - his actions are callous, disrespectful and abusive. It sounds like there's probably more nastiness just under the surface with him - please don't stay around to find out.

There will be a kind, loving and affectionate man along soon, once you're away from your current situation.

... and re your update - if anything it makes it worse. It shows how uncaring and selfish he is, and reading between the lines of what you wrote, you sound sad and hurt. He won't genuinely change. You really deserve so much better.

Hi @mummski

It’s here www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here

@Moffa thank you

Leave. This behaviour will continue (despite your update) and over the years it will eat away at you until the point you are destroyed. Get out now.

Not convinced OP... he's done it as a favour, as a chore?? You can do so much better. He's a self absorbed unfeeling twat..

OP - your partner is just emotionally illiterate, insensitive and cold....or he is emotionally abusive. There is no other explanation.
You seem to be viewing physical affection, intimacy and sex as the icing and cherry on the cake of an otherwise good relationship. OP - it’s not the icing or the cherry - it is the fucking cake. Without it you have a friendship but not an intimate relationship.
We all of us want to be desired and have our sexuality accepted and reciprocated by another person. It’s an essential primary aspect of what motivates us to form intimate relationships.
So don’t try and change him - but see that he has manipulated you in the early months into believing he was some one you could bond with - but he isn’t and this will destroy you. You’ve tired and he has been insensitive in the extreme. It’s his problem-don’t make it yours. Move on. Good luck x