Is it just me, or is this odd? & what to do?

[TheLaughingMoan]

I’m a single Mum of two. I separated over two years ago, my divorce finalised a couple of months ago. The arrangements with my ex aren’t particularly pleasant, but things are stable and we communicate reasonably well over shared childcare.

About four months ago I met a lovely man, who was up front about having separated from his ex just over four years ago and said that they had been living apart for about two years. They have one child and are not divorced - at the moment there currrently aren’t any plans for divorce (although he has said that he does want to divorce her).

It transpired a few weeks into our relationship that their arrangements are rather more complicated than I first thought and, whilst they haven’t been a couple for 2-4 years, their lives are still interconnected in a way that I find odd and stressful.

He lives in the former family home. She rents a place in another town. Due to the nature of her job (working away regularly) they share childcare, which involves him staying in her home while she is away. Sometimes she still stays at his home on a sofa bed in the living room if she’s working nearby.

Their relationship is difficult / stressful and arguments often happen when they are together.

He is a very good father and an exceptionally kind man, shares childcare, pays private school fees and a more than adequate amount of child maintenance, which leaves him with very little disposable income.

His ex has responded extremely negatively (understatement!) to the news that he is in a new relationship with me. I have been insulted and she has spoken very crudely about the nature of our relationship - saying it’s just about sex.

She has made him feel very guilty - repeatedly saying that he is breaking an agreement they made that he would continue supporting her and their child until the child leaves school. She thinks he is deserting them both and engineers situations so that he has to choose between myself or his daughter.

Basically the current setup means that it’s almost impossible for him to have another long term relationship. The last time he tried to have a relationship she argued with him constantly and forced him to stop.

He’s doing his best to begin changing things - he feels he’s in a terrible situation trying to keep me happy and develop our relationship while not upsetting his ex. Personally I think it will be impossible - what she’s wanting is completely unrealistic.

I cannot see how they will manage to properly separate without a major change or compromise. Unless either she changes jobs or we all live closer to each other (not going to happen in the short term).

I love this man dearly, but it’s just a massive shame that his ex has overshadowed things from the word go. I want to be in a relationship with him, but I need advice about how to handle this situation and his ex.

Do you REALLY want all this bullshit drama in your life? Why do you want a man who can't stand up to his ex? I would be running for the hills.

No I don’t want this bullshit drama.

I love him and I’d like things to work out.

What I’d like here is some decent advice.

I don’t think there is much you can do op. His ex is still controlling him and he is allowing it by the sounds of it. Therefore he and only he can change this and it would be taking the next step to divorce and fully separate the cord from his wife. If that’s not something he’s willing to do right now, then you may find that this relationship will not work.
As I said, there is not much you can do except a) leave of your own accord b) stay and see whether it pans out or not.
I would advise you not to give ultimatums. It will only add more stress and bitterness.
Sorry I can’t be of more help.

Decent advice would be to leave him. He’s made clear that his daughter and ex wife come first and this is how it should be to be honest.
You can’t change him or the situation either accept it or remove yourself from it

I am wanting this relationship to work. There’s far more I could add about our side of things here and there has been some slow progress.

So I’m going to ignore all the ‘just leave him’ posts here.

That’s MY choice.

Thank you DBML. I’m seeing how it pans out and yes, absolutely no point in ultimatums here.

I can’t believe that there isn’t someone here who hasn’t seen a similar situation through.

Perhaps people have been and perhaps that's why they're advising you to end it.

No point posting if you're going to ignore the advice.

Personally I don't know how you can fancy a man with no backbone but there you go.

You can blame his ex as much as your like but the fact is that he's making his choices here.

It would be much healthier for everyone involved if they stopped staying at each other's houses and limited their communications to the topic of the children.

But if he hasn't worked that out by himself he's unable and/or unwilling to see the situation for what it is.

I would steer well clear. If it's meant to be, he'll come back to you when he's ready.

redsky - his daughter and exw come first and this is how it should be?

Why is exw included in this notion?
She is an EX.

Mandala - because she was in his life first and he had made a commitment to love and look after her. They’ve fallen out now but she’s still his daughters mum and he still made that promise. He clearly made a commitment to her about how they were going to split and raise his daughter and he’s sticking to that - except now he’s not and the ex is annoyed because she is

If he wanted yo to divorce her he would. He clearly doesn’t want to...

I’ve been on Mumsnet for 16 years. Long enough to know that you get a load of simplistic knee-jerk and people unable to process the post on a thread initially and eventually a more balanced view comes through.

I’m ignoring the simplistic ‘chuck him’ advice. My choice. I’d like to know -constructively - how to handle this situation.

What would be more helpful, is given he’s a MAN, how he sees the situation and the manipulation going on. In my experience men just don’t get it.

The only manipulation going on is you to yourself - he’s made the situation very clear to you - you just don’t want to accept it

Your bf having a gf has shaken the status quo and you can only watch how your bf handles that. It really is up to him to do something to bring about change. He cannot blame his ex; I am sick to death of men blaming all the women around and it is his call. If you step in in any way you will get blame too.
His situation is how he wants it, is what he is telling you.
You need to hear what his actions say. If he wants it to be different he will do something about it,but he already let another relationship go. That was his fault, not his wife's.
If he's committed to his wife that they will live this way till 16 reached, its not really fair of him to not be clear about this with new relationships.
Very slopey shouldered indeed

As much as I hate this phrase. You have a DP problem. Not an EW problem.

If he wanted to divorce her, he would. If he wanted to stand up to her, he would. If he wanted to choose making you happy over making her happy, he would.

Sorry OP.

No, its not only you, it is odd. But its his odd, and how he wants it to stay, or he would have made changes. This is nothing to do with EW.

Hi OP, This is a difficult situation. I agree that the changes have to come from him. This is a situation that has developed from him wanting to do the right thing and it appears he has gotten himself into a position where he now needs to make it different and it's difficult.

His Ex has shown she is not going to embrace your relationship so I think that if this is what you both want then you're going to have to play the long game. Take a look at everything that needs to change and start one change at a time. Pick the easiest thing to work on and go from there. What makes him unhappy about the situation? Sit down practically and make a list together. Figure out how you're going to deal with it - together.

As far as the name calling is concerned the best thing for you do to do is ignore it. He has to show you respect by shutting down any conversation that begins to negate you and point blank not entertain it. The words only have power if you give them power (or he does).

You have to accept that things will not change overnight. She has to accept that things are going to change, but with anyone it would be very difficult to demand an immediate change in everything you see wrong with the relationship. He needs to find the courage to stand firm on some issues and if he can't (I'll tell you from experience) then you may find that this starts to seep into other parts of your life, and whilst you feel you can withstand it now, if your needs are not being met and addressed then long term this will definitely negatively impact your relationship.

Yes OP. as you said earlier, there has been some slow progress in your relationship, and that is a good sign, I would just disregard the odd ball comments on here, saying that you should just leave your man. In fact, why bother to write for any guidance on here, when nobody but yourself knows about your life . You have stated most clearly in your post,how things are,and write well about it.

Of course,things are problematic for you right now,, but just hoping that all things will work out for you in the future.

He will end up resenting you if you start trying to interfere in his situation .

Don't try to change, its his responsibility, and his choice.
Horrible for you having come this far in a relationship, but your bf has form for this.
They are in their relationship, step away.

It's so easy to blame the ex and he is willing to paint her in this terrible light to you because he wants to deflect blame.

He is a real woe is me type isn't he? Who can do no wrong.

You need reverse psychology to deal with this. He wants you to hate and blame the ex and if you follow that path your lives will be ruined by everlasting drama.

So don't hate the ex. Never bad mouth her, try and see her point of view, tell him you want to work with her. Basically do everything that goes along with her.

By taking away the antagonism it will reveal exactly what your partner is offering you.

Accept what he is offering you. If you truly love him it won't matter that he won't have much money or much time for you.

Don't cause him more stress than he is already under. Don't demand more of him than he can already give.

If you find you cannot accept what he can give you then don't blame him or add to the drama as that would be futile.

Hatred and blame are toxic and will ruin your lives so don't even go there.

Be breezy and accepting that she is a permanent part of his life and who he is.

He will change that status quo when he wants to, and if he doesn't want to then you have no choice but to accept her too and humbly accept the crumbs of him she will allow.

Learn to be grateful for those crumbs. You won't get anymore of the pie through hate and anger, so don't go there.

...however, you absolutely are worth more than the leftover crumbs, and I sincerely hope you think so too!

They have a child together, see each other regularly, lives still intertwined in many ways

I'm not going to say you should leave him, but that you should open your eyes to reality and see that you have a DP problem here - he wants to be with you but maintain his current situation with his ex.

No doubt he moans and stresses about the situation to you so you're obviously indignant about his ex, but words are wind as they say; he's not moving on and seeking a divorce is he, now that he's with you? Because he doesn't want to.

There are numerous men and women out there who have children and have managed to divorce and move on, even remarry, after end of a previous relationship.

You want to stay with him and there's nothing wrong with that, but a lot wrong with not being realistic.

On the face of it yes the exw is making if almost impossible for him to have a relationship and is being manipulative etc. But however someone can only treat you as badly as you allow them to and so he is allowing this so as pp have said its a dp problem rather than exw problem.
The other possibility is he's a commitment phobic, l've seen a similar situation with a friend in our circle where he had a few relationships but never completely split with his ex and wouldn't pursue a proper divorce,still in and out each others houses etc. Each new girlfriend gradually wanted more and then eventually broke up with him when it was clear nothing was going to change.

sorry posted too soon.... Then he would move on to the next girlfriend who would again only last until they realised the relationship wasn't going to go any further. He actually broke the hearts of a couple of really nice women.

This is just part of the territory when you date a man who is legally married to another woman. You get the leftovers no matter how "separated" they claim to be. You can certainly wait it out if you want and be Priority #3 in his life, but you have only been dating 4 months - it's so new - you don't even know each other - so cut and run might be best.

It sounds like you are going to hang around though. All you can do is stay quiet. You can't demand more attention - you're #3 in line and I don't think there is anything you can do or say to move up in the ranks right now.

So when is he going to divorce her? The current arrangements aren’t working for him are they ie staying in each other’s homes. It sounds like a ridiculous set up but if he doesn’t want to change it what can you do?

I think you would be mad to continue the relationship when he has no plans to divorce and he has made this commitment to his ex wife.

Why doesn’t he just divorce and have a clean break like everyone else?

You can’t blame her for his giving her money. That’s his choice.