I’m a single Mum of two. I separated over two years ago, my divorce finalised a couple of months ago. The arrangements with my ex aren’t particularly pleasant, but things are stable and we communicate reasonably well over shared childcare.
About four months ago I met a lovely man, who was up front about having separated from his ex just over four years ago and said that they had been living apart for about two years. They have one child and are not divorced - at the moment there currrently aren’t any plans for divorce (although he has said that he does want to divorce her).
It transpired a few weeks into our relationship that their arrangements are rather more complicated than I first thought and, whilst they haven’t been a couple for 2-4 years, their lives are still interconnected in a way that I find odd and stressful.
He lives in the former family home. She rents a place in another town. Due to the nature of her job (working away regularly) they share childcare, which involves him staying in her home while she is away. Sometimes she still stays at his home on a sofa bed in the living room if she’s working nearby.
Their relationship is difficult / stressful and arguments often happen when they are together.
He is a very good father and an exceptionally kind man, shares childcare, pays private school fees and a more than adequate amount of child maintenance, which leaves him with very little disposable income.
His ex has responded extremely negatively (understatement!) to the news that he is in a new relationship with me. I have been insulted and she has spoken very crudely about the nature of our relationship - saying it’s just about sex.
She has made him feel very guilty - repeatedly saying that he is breaking an agreement they made that he would continue supporting her and their child until the child leaves school. She thinks he is deserting them both and engineers situations so that he has to choose between myself or his daughter.
Basically the current setup means that it’s almost impossible for him to have another long term relationship. The last time he tried to have a relationship she argued with him constantly and forced him to stop.
He’s doing his best to begin changing things - he feels he’s in a terrible situation trying to keep me happy and develop our relationship while not upsetting his ex. Personally I think it will be impossible - what she’s wanting is completely unrealistic.
I cannot see how they will manage to properly separate without a major change or compromise. Unless either she changes jobs or we all live closer to each other (not going to happen in the short term).
I love this man dearly, but it’s just a massive shame that his ex has overshadowed things from the word go. I want to be in a relationship with him, but I need advice about how to handle this situation and his ex.