Dropping friendships and giving up

[Tenpenny]

Can anyone tell me if theyve experienced this? Im worried but at the same time, feel sort of relieved

I've spent the last couple of years doing a lot of introspection after a painful divorce and becoming a single parent. The friendships Ive chosen since childhood have often fell short - always girls/women who deep down I suspected didn't actually like me; subtle put-downs in front of others, turning people against me, talking badly behind my back, etc. I always distanced myself so went from one friendship group to the next, but fearing rejection more as time went on
As for men, always chose the charming emotional abusers who I once again, suspect didn't like me. Often made to feel inferior, have dealt with depression on and off over the years.
The other day I returned home from a long coffee/chat with a mum from dd's school and I was just completely drained. She has a lot of problems and toxic people in her life, major negativity towards others, lots of bitching etc. It dawned on me that I was falling into yet another bad friendship. I sat and cried, it was just such a heavy, awful feeling Id left her house with. It made me decide once and for all to just give up with others and devote my time and love to my daughter and parents. Is this normal?
Ive just decided to come to terms with the fact that I may not find genuine love in a partner, or ever experience a good, healthy friendship
Has anyone else ever been in this situation? Honestly, when I think about keeping to myself completely and just spending time with my family/going to work, I feel all the stress leaving my body. But at the same time, I fear loneliness.

It made me decide once and for all to just give up with others and devote my time and love to my daughter and parents. Is this normal?

It is for me. 99% of humans suck.

I fear loneliness

Do you ever feel lonely, or is this just something that you've been told you will feel ?

In my experience, I've found that loneliness is preferable to being around negative, toxic people who contribute nothing/ do not enrich your life in any way whatsoever, because you only end up feeling lonely within those friendships and/or relationships anyway. That doesn't make the loneliness any easier to cope with though.

Luckily, my low tolerance for bullshit and love of my own company go hand-in-hand. It means I have no problem eliminating negative people from my life and enjoying the silence of the aftermath.

Please do not ever give up hope though- you never know what or who is around the corner. In the meantime, focus on what is important to you in the present and enjoy life without having to deal with shit like this-
subtle put-downs in front of others, turning people against me, talking badly behind my back, etc
Keep the faith that one day, someone will swoop into your life and surprise you.

I feel the same as you, don't know if it's healthy but it's how I feel so am currently rolling with it.
I do feel lonely but I also feel at ease for the first time in months and months.
Just go with it for now is my advice, sometimes we just need to be in a bubble I think 🤔

The older I get, the less bothered I am about keeping up with toxic twats. And you know what? Dropping contact is a relief. Life is too short

Thanks for responding everyone

NotTheFordType - you know what, I did feel lonely for an awful long time, and used to beat myself with a stick for always preferring to be solitary and just pottering about at home, rather than actively cultivating new friends at work/the school yard (the only places I frequent).
Its only when I finally did give certain people a chance, and fell into the exact same patterns, that I truly appreciated my own company and comforts. The loneliness eased right off!

Im just frightened of my daughter growing up and leaving, my parents passing away, and being absolutely and completely alone, for real.

Know exactly what you mean.. used to be part of a lovely large friendship circle (mainly school mums) for reasons I don't know this group has split. The other group have secret WhatsApp groups & arrange nights out with the others.. very childish & one mum definitely revelling in it as she's very toxic & manipulative.
I'm sick of the bitching & feeling like I have to choose a side.. it's made me back right off from everyone & question why grown women in their 30's & 40's have to behave like this.. they must know their actions are very hurtful

damonjc - someone swooping in and surprising me is still something i hope for, i do indeed keep the faith, its a very comforting thought isnt it 💐

dilly123 i have witnessed the exact same thing amongst grown women and sadly, a lot of them just accept it for the sake of nights out etc. Or worse, they seem to be blind to the manipulation and ingratiate themselves with really awful characters just to feel included, it baffles me. The mum I was having coffee with really went to town telling me the ins and outs of another womans marriage, someone elses issues with childrens services, really grim stuff. She thrives on the drama of others to distract from her own. I'm about a million miles from this mindset, i can't give it my energy.

Since I turned 40 my tolerance for bullshit just disappeared. I dumped my emotionally abusive ex that year. This year I’ve parted company with someone I thought was my best friend. Just got sick of being used, criticised, analysed, accused of things I had not done/said/thought. I’m perfectly happy and much more at peace with myself for getting rid of toxic people who just brought negativity. I still have a small circle of friends who I trust. I’m happy alone. Genuinely. I don’t like to think I’ll be alone forever but I’m in no rush to expand my social circle right now

The older I get, the less bothered I am about keeping up with toxic twats.

This^ I used to be similar to you, always trying to get on with people even if they weren't particularly nice to me, or just used me to offload their problems.

Now finally, in my 40s, I've got picky about my friends and I only bother with people I genuinely like and who I find interesting. Of course I'll listen if a friend's having a bad day/has something difficult going on in their life, but I want my friends to be fun most of the time! I know those bitchy types as well - I just smile, say hello, and completely ignore them now, don't even try to chat.

Ultimately, your immediate family members are the most important people in your life anyway, so focusing mainly on them, and spending time on your interests/hobbies isn't a bad way to live. You say that makes you feel more relaxed as well - relaxed people are great to be around, so I wouldn't be surprised if you get to know some nice people.

As with the others who have responded, I feel the same. I am married with two amazing kids and I have a small group of close friends but have actually over the last couple of years had a good ‘clear out’ of toxic/bad ‘friendships’ of what I thought were friendships. I had two close friends from Univeristy (I’m now in my 30’s) and I thought the 3 I’d us were very close friends, used to love meeting up with them for lunch and going out etc only to realise that they weren’t really friends at all but girls that did nothing but bitch behind my back and be rude about my kids etc. It hurt at the time to decide forget them both but it’s better to be not friends with people like this than trying to be friends with people who simply are not actual friends at all.

The school mums thing is such an interesting one as well. When my DS1 started school I became part of a friendship group with some school mums who I thought were lovely and we’d regularly get together for cups of tea. I was hugely disappointed to find that two of them totally turned on another and I was left in the middle. One ended up reporting one to School for ‘bad parenting’ and it just went on and on and on until now I’m not friendly with any I’d them. I’d say that I have 5 good friends and my DH and obviously family as well. Like you, I feel disappointed when friendships turn out to be not what you expected but I think I prefer having less friends as I’m getting older as most turn out to be back stabbing and bitchy in my experience. Better to have a smaller group of strong/true friendships than lots of fake ones!

I think we expect too much from friendships and feel letdown when people don't live upto our expectations.People are flawed and have only limited empathy and selflessness .

@Tenpenny

That's awful.. I'm sure some people get a kick out of other people's misfortune for them to gossip about it! I'm currently thinking my 15 yr old dd's friends are more mature, caring & genuine than some of my 'friends'.

I do find myself feeling lonely at times especially as a lone parent, I start to think shall I suggest a meet up but then the hassle of who to invite? I know I should invite everyone as it's the grown up thing to do but then think why should I and the hassle of it all is too much... rather be stuck indoors than sat in a restaurant with an awkward atmosphere

Reading through all of your replies are putting me massively at ease, I have to say
I keep falling into the sane thought cycle of, "these acquaintances are all you have so you have to make them into friends or you'll have no one"
But I don't have to at all, do I?

...I'm sorry to hear about all of your misfortune too though. Mrsm and dilly I truly know how you feel.

Dont know if anyone else has done the same, but I finally deactivated my Facebook account some time ago as well. It dawned on me that I was mindlessly scrolling through the mundanity of the lives of people I had no interest in, which is an embarrassing waste of time!

I think - don't give up on people yet. Perhaps you are just picking the wrong people?

The conclusion I have come to is that many of these cliques don't last forever as people aren't stupid: they begin to realise which other mums are gossipy or prone to taking people for a ride with childcare favours. It all comes out in the wash!

In the end, people notice and value genuine characteristics like kindness, trustworthiness and honesty.

I would think carefully about what initially attracted you to some of those women and perhaps try to seek out those with different characteristics?

@Tenpenny - mine is currently deactivated too 😊

MaybeDoctor - Im yet to meet a person who feels genuine and kind, and trustworthy. I have wondered what it is about me that seem to be vulnerable to all the wrong sorts.
The mum Ive mentioned has repeatedly told me that I'm far too particular when it comes to who I spend time with, have social anxiety, and need to stop staying in so much like a weirdo
I knew absolutely that she was projecting her own issues on to me, it was part of why I was so drained and upset when I got home. Such hurtful words are dismissed as "banter" in these sorts of friendships aswell.
The positive thing is, 10 years ago I would have believed her and felt ashamed of myself. Now, I feel ashamed of her and protective of me.

I too purged a lot of negative and hurtful people from my life a couple of years back, but eventually I did feel lonely (if you don't feel lonely that's fine - who says we have to be social butterflies?)... For me, although I'm actually quite shy and I enjoy my own company, I don't want to be without one or two really good girl-pals...

So I started thinking... I've been learning how to recognise what's not healthy in a relationship (still learning!) but I haven't replaced the space left with recognition of what is healthy.

So that's my next step.

One of the things I'm going to try is going to group meet ups based around my particular interests.

Like Science? Go to a museum on your own (take yourself on a date) and if you happen to spot another lady hanging out, just comment on the exhibit...

Like singing? Join a choir!

Like Salsa? Start going to classes!

Are you an environmentalist? Join a demo.

Then notice what characteristics people who are NOT arseholes tend to have.

My arseholes friends said I was weird. My non-arsehole friends think weirdness is cool.

My arsehole friends gossiped a lot. My non-arsehole friends... Don't.

It sounds weird I didn't realise how to know "nice" from "dickhead" people but it's like a habit that you can't just stop, you have to replace it with a good one.

I'm still AWFUL at reaching out and still not getting it right a lot of the time but I do at least have three friends I know are DEFINITE keepers (even if they do live on the other side of the world and I can only communicate through email with them for now lol)...

I know how you feel really dropping friendships and giving up with some people as I have been in the same position. I dropped and gave up on 2 former so called friends in the past few years.

A lady I been a good friend to for years decided it was more important to go out with her boyfriend the weekend of my birthday than spend a few hours with me. I had spent years listening to her moan about her job and her life in general. I gave her advice but she never listened to it. After that I only met her when it suited me.

After having a few poor friendships I don't spend time with people who are mean with money. If someone is always brushing me off or can never spare time to meet up in person I no longer keep making an effort.
I try and avoid people who are always moaning about their lives in general but are unwilling to do anything to make things better.
I also weary of people asking a lot of questions so they can gossip about me.

As you get older you no longer put up with he said, she said. If you hear something back than you told someone was confidential I would just let a so called friendship fizzle out. It like if you had a few bad boyfriends in the past you see the warning signs and walk away before getting involved with shallow women.

Yes I have cut right back and am currently contemplating some further pruning. I have just given up on one friend who always had to get in a dig and criticise how I lead my life, work etc.

It was always done with a smile as a "friendly" comment, but actually it was a criticism and it happened at some point every time I saw her. I ignored it for a time because I did enjoy her company, but I have had enough now.

Yes it's my experience too. I've had to walk away from someone who constantly snipped and snapped at me, was usually in a mood [so that would mean I would have to make allowances all day for her], and grumpy a lot of the time. Then the shouting started...

I was feeling crushed and drained, eventually being spoken to as if I was a skivvy broke this camel's back and I can't do it any more.

I wonder where the mentally healthy people are as I've had to distance myself from 'friends' before. But I would rather have my own company, I feel calmer, have my self respect and identity with no one turning my head inside out.

Sometimes we have to throw out things which have gone bad and take up space, to make way for good, new, fresh pursuits/experiences and to have time to give to those who do. matter.

When l was growing up l learnt from my df to immediately cut off gossip. He would say to acquaintances( and to us, his family)

" Now!Now! "If gossip started and he never let us away with it. He had so many friends even though he was a quiet unassuming country man. When he died his friends openly cried. He had the same ones for years.
Subsequently l found myself following his pattern and have a few very good friends where gossip does not happen.
Could you try being more assertive and forcing the friendship into your mould eg if she starts bitching about Mary say " Oh l love Mary . I find her so friendly and great fun" . That will cut her off and give her the message that that is not the conversation you want to pursue. Good friends hate gossips as they want to know when they leave the room they are not going to be gossiped about.
You have nothing to lose now as you are prepared to be friendless so try to stamp your authority on the possible friendship from day one.

Tenpenny. I have a similar thread with regards to a draining friendship, little digs, undermining etc.
I understand exactly what you mean. For now I have given up. I have a solitary life that I'm devoting to kids and work. My mum unfortunately quite toxic. I've taken a step back.
I'm lonely though. On the plus side, I'm hugely organised and am doing well at work. I've lost trust in people and need to work all of this out to move forward. You're not alone