Sexless marriage

[JP0321]

What do I do?

You really need to tell the story if you want advice.
How long as the marriage been sexless ?
Which one of you is unable / unwilling ?
Is there a medical problem ?
Is there a psychological problem ?
Has the person had treatment / do they want to change ?

I've got a lot of experience with this, but every story is different. Give some background and others may be able to advise
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Have you managed to get OH to talk about it? Bit more info would be helpful eg sex of partner and age range.

There have been so many threads on this subject (including mine) but the main issue always boils down how lack of intimacy and constant rejection can be soul destroying.

Sorry to not be of any help but have a search through previously posted threads.

Also, please be aware this sort of thread attracts PM's of a dubious nature; either report or ignore.

Hello.

I’m posting here for the first time as I find myself in the most difficult of situations. Wife told me last night that she never wants to have sex again. This is due to some quite awful events in her past. We used to have sex quite often and it was lovely. My wife was my first and only sexual partner and I love her dearly.

The past for my wife, before she met me, was awful. Lots of emotional abuse and has recently come to light that sexual abuse played a big part of it too. She can’t quite put a finger on it, obviously her mind protecting what sanity she has left I guess.

She has been having counselling and this has made her realise, quite rightly that she doesn’t have to do what she doesn’t want to. She now though has completely shut the door on our physical relationship with no chance of anything intimately ever happening between us again.

This has hit me hard and I’m not sure what to do. Sex, for me is not just about sex, it’s about the intimacy of being together physically with the one person you love beyond words, it’s sharing love in a way that only we can. For my wife it just reminds her of her awful past. We have 2 wonderful children and I know that if we broke up because of this it would destroy them. I can’t do that to them.

Last night I was going to end it, I think panic set in and caused the fight or flight syndrome. It was an awful night and it has cut my heart in two. I love my wife dearly but don’t think I can be in a sexless marriage. I’m in my early 40’s so thought I still had many years of intimacy left with my wife. Now my world has been turned upside down. I love my family and would do nothing to hurt them but this situation has tested me to the limit. How do I move forward? Do I end it and hope it doesn’t destroy my kids?

This is tearing me apart, should sex matter? After a lot of crying (me) I came to the conclusion that I need to stay for my kids but now I just don’t know. I know what my wife went through nobody should ever have to experience that but why now, after 14 years of marriage does it suddenly have to end? I’m nothing like her past and I’m the one person who loves her more than life itself but that love was tested last night and it scared me that my thoughts turned to ending our relationship. I’m such a mess right now, all through last night my wife was so cold and clinical. My world has come crashing down and I don’t know where to start.

I think you stand by your wife as she goes through counselling. Healing from emotional and sexual abuse is an arduous and often terrifying process.
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She deserves to be commended and supported for attempting that.

If you do truly love her as deeply as you say, then you go through that together and come out the other side. I think the mature thing to do is to put how you feel to one side for the time being.

Healing from abuse is a very deep and painful process. It is entirely possible that whilst at the moment she feels she will never want to have sex again, that will change as the healing takes place.

But you shouldn’t stay in the hope that things will change, as that will put a very unhelpful pressure in her and could distort her healing process.

Give it time, be genuinely supportive and see what transpires.

Thank you. I completely understand what you're saying and thank you for your advice. I am determined to try and put my feelings aside and support as you say. I think the counselling stopped a while back and the conclusion of it was that she doesn't have to do anything if she doesn't want to. The thought of sex disgusts her and I don't think it'll ever happen again.

This is understandable and know that the wounds from what happened will probably never heal. I just wasn't prepared for the door to slam so abruptly.

I know that I need to support my wife and know what I need to do, it's just so very scary as I'm scared for what the future holds. Janet, your advice rings true and I thank you for your words of wisdom. I guess I just need to take it off the table for the foreseeable and see what happens. Maybe over time I can learn to live without. I'm not going to consider an open relationship as that would be too damn weird and couldn't do that to the woman I love so dearly. It's just so very hard.

I was were your wife was about 4 or 5 years ago. My whole world came crashing in when memories of past events resurfaced. I had a panic attack and flashbacks every time we tried to do anything, sometimes even when we shared a bed. Literally waking up in the middle of the night screaming in terror.

My husband backed right off, no pressure. Gave me space to deal with the PTSD, the old memories. At times I would try to start something because I felt I was letting him down. He would go very passive and gentle at those times and gently stop me, because he said he could tell I was trying to force myself to do something I wasn’t ready for for his sake.

Things have moved on for me and that side of myself is coming back. My husband is still, dry, very careful to always ensure that I make the running, so he doesn’t ever inadvertently scare me.

Good luck

Try to remember that it is the abusers that have hurt your marriage. I would recommend some counselling for you to work through your feelings and also I would suggest that your wife needs more support as just denying you intimacy permanently strikes me as an avoidance tactic which can't be a long term solution if you want your marriage to last.

Gosh, this is brutally hard.

Not fair for her to be cold and clinical, regardless what's happened to her in the past. I wonder if she's had some rubbish therapy tbh - her brutal and cold approach suggests early therapy at least, sometimes it could indicate a rubbish therapist who projects their own unresolved issues. Also the fact she's stopped therapy doesnt bode well. Sorry if I'm being contradictory there.

It's not acceptable for your wife to coldly and brutally announce the end of sex for good with no compassion for you and the dreadful impact on you. She's not the only one in the marriage - I don't say that unkindly.

Do get some support for yourself, asap.

I'm so sorry you're facing this

Completely untenable.

She can decide that she doesn't want sex anymore. She CANNOT tell you, that you have to be celibate too.

Presumably you asked her how she thought this would "work"? What did she say?

How old are the kids? If they are in their teens, I guess you could stay until they reach 18.

Other than that, you really have 2 choices : stay and seek sex outside the marriage, or separate.

Staying and having no sex is not an option. Unless you want to be dead from the waist down.

JanetlovesJason. Thank you for your inspiring words. I know I have a difficult few weeks ahead while I come to terms with what has happened. I truly love my wife so will be gentle and sensitive to her needs. I can't possibly imagine what she has had to go through but know that it must have been horrendous for it to still have an impact on her now and still make her feel disgusting. True love can stand the test of time and I'm sure that in time I will be as amazing as your husband sounds. I am going to seek counselling myself to deal with the loss. It's almost like I'm in mourning, if that makes sense. Still very emotional at the moment. Finding carrying on with my day hard, especially with the kids out with me.

I've told her that I know it's off the table and I will respect and give her as much space as she needs. I've explained that I love her and want us to have a happy marriage so that hopefully the slow process of healing can start. I'm not sure how helpful the counselling has been for her.

Again, thank you for your kind words and support.

..so will be gentle and sensitive to her needs

I'm not picking holes here when I say she's not being gentle and sensitive to your needs.

ime of a spouse with deep damage from their childhood: it doesn't give them a full get out clause. They still have to be respectful and loving to others, particularly their spouse. I learnt this the hard way.

Obviously it's a minefield - making your needs known can easily look wrong. Good luck with counselling. You really need expert support and advice to know how to approach this.

I agree with pp's that no sex is not an option in the long term. It would destroy you.

You can separate from her amicably, still offering her friendship and support, while yourself not feeling trapped in a sexless marriage. She has told you she will never want sex with you again, I would take her at her word. Staying together will not be healthy for either of you.

Husky

What a nasty post, which shows zero understanding of sexual abuse.

You've got to work with what you've got, OP. She's put her cards on the table, and at least you know where you stand. You can be as patient as you like, but a lot of women feel like that even without a history of abuse!

Have a conversation with her, about you and your needs rather than hers. At early 40s you can't be expected never to have sex again, so have you got her blessing to look elsewhere?

It's not meant to be nasty. How come she had lots of sex before and enjoyed it?

Husky, Abused people often block out horrific memories for decades but counselling brings them to the forefront. This is obviously what is happening to this woman.

I think your wife is being unreasonable to expect you to stay celibate. I do think the counsellor should have pointed out potential consequences of making the decision to never have sex while being married.

If I were her, I'd agree that you could be intimate with someone else, or I'd end the marriage, rather than impose celibacy on my DH.

I strongly suggest you seek therapy too. You'll go on a journey of self discovery and just like her... You'll find out you don't have to do what you don't want.

Which includes staying in a marriage where your wife has made a unilateral decision, (with no thought of the impact or effect on you) to remove a key element ... and one that makes this relationship different from any other relationships we have in life.

Whenever you make a choice in life, you need to think through the impact on others.

I wonder if the counsellor specialised in sexual abuse. If they didn't...your wife should have been referred to a specialist in Psychosexual counselling to deal with her past. There are fewer counsellors with this experience and sadly some counsellors don't refer a client when they should.

I do question if the counsellor was ultimately acting in the best interest of the client, taking everything into consideration.

Why are people so eager to write off this marriage?

Two days ago the OP's wife said she never wanted to have sex again. Two days. Years and years after the abuse occurred.

Give them a chance! Both she and he need to process this new phase in their relationship.

She needs to process the new - to her - explicit ownership of her body, thoughts, wishes. To see that her choices are respected, that she does not have to pay for ownership of her self.

Maybe she never will want to have sex again. Maybe not. But two days after this massive revelation is far too soon to say.

I don't see that you can actually do much at this point, OP. Certainly not try to influence your dw in any way. She is still healing from a massive injury. I think patience, respect and undemanding love are all you can offer ATM.

I disagree with the PP in that you can do things but they are about helping yourself workout your feelings and status not about trying to convince your wife of anything.

I do agree it is far too early after the fact to be making hasty decisions. I do however find it very worrying that a therapist would encourage such an absolute course of action from your wife and not encourage continued support, she clearly is still in need of further help.

I think that you are very much doing the right thing by putting your children and your wife fitst. Hopefully she will cone around in time bit be prepared that she may never be able to have sex again but give her some time. Set yourself a date for when you want yo reevaluate your position and completely set aside the issue for now so it won't interfere with her healing process.

I agree with PPs that the counsellor doesn't sound very experienced in dealing with historical sexual abuse. Every counsellor and therapist I know of would always have as their goal to get the patient back to a healthy status in every way, and if the patient is in a relationship then that will almost invariably include an active sex life - one that supports and nurtures the patient's healing process and allows them to reclaim their sexuality.

When I went into counselling to deal with my childhood abuse I also announced to my partner of 5 years that I no longer wanted sex. At the point I said it, I meant forever. In the event, after about a year I felt a lot stronger and wanted to reclaim sex as something that gave me and my partner pleasure.

(Unfortunately that partner was a sulky arse about it and I ended up begrudgingly wanking him off every morning to stop him from giving me the silent treatment. I ended up leaving him and getting with my H who was incredibly understanding and supportive.)

Don't despair just yet OP, give your DW some space and time.

Also - if she's okay with it, try to keep non-sexual intimacy going as much as possible. Cuddling on the sofa, a hug and kiss good morning and good night, etc. Say plainly to her that a cuddle is not a sneaky request for sex, because women often are taught to think that any form of physical contact is "leading a man on". If she can't handle a full on cuddle, then can you hold her hand. The point is that without some level of intimacy, your marriage is no more than a friendship.