I emotionally abuse my partner!

[HelloItsMe]

It's truly sad, that I know myself I treat my partner this way. I don't feel happy that I do this, but I literally don't know how to convince myself to stop, I'm constantly googling about the issue, but when the thoughts come into my head I can't seem to control myself. There has been a few times I felt slightly betrayed by him, (not cheating) but I felt hurt, my trust has been wavered.
For example, I am always accusing him of cheating, lieing, being disrespectful to me in general. I'm afraid that I may get to a stage that emotional might turn to physical. I've never done this before, but I am tempted to at times. I have threw objects at walls out of anger.
I feel like an absolute f*cking Physco, we have a 2 year old daughter, she doesn't see me act this way ofcourse, I'm not stupid to do it in front of her and would never jeopardize her health in any way, but the older she gets the more she will realize the unhappiness there is sometimes in our home.

• note : there is some happy times too, maybe times where I'm not as harse or rude to him which are our good days. Any fallouts are usually always initiated by me.

Times I felt betrayed by him would be for example, lieing about gambling issues, staying out all night and not coming back until all hours of the morning, commenting on other girls appearances on a boys group chat. Obviously these are factors which make me feel unappreciated. So the question is... Is there a solution for me to fix myself? Or... Will I leave him for his own good as I know he could probably have a much happier life with someone else :( Sorry for the awfully long post. I understand if you got bored reading it as I vented a bit too much , but I honestly don't even think I have the balls to admit this to any of my family or friends in real life which is pathetic of me.

so are you saying you emotionally abuse your partner because there have been times that hes hurt you?

did you grow up with someone being emotionally abusive to you?

Hi, yeah pretty much the only reason i can think of.. I didn't feel this way and definitely wasn't as angry, paranoid or controlling before any of these trust problems occurred. We are with each other eight years the first four years were good, but it's been spiraling out of control since.
Yes, I have to some extent, but I didn't think it would be relevant as I haven't always treated him this way ...if you get me..

I'd recommend going to your GP and maybe antidepressants or they can refer you for therapy. It might be that your anxiety about your relationship is a symptom of a deeper anxiety or depression. You're trying to get help for it which is good.

I meant to say I used to be a bit like this at the start of my relationship with my husband but I am depressed and was prescribed antidepressants which helped a lot with everything. Good luck 

Sounds like a bit of post natal depression.

Your fella stays out all night, lies and has a gambling addiction and you want to know what you can do to make yourself better for him?

Chick .. come on!! head up, shoulders back. If he's not cutting the mustard, accept it, talk about it with him.

After all, you have a girl to look after and she'll be looking to you as to how to let men treat her. She's still his daughter, some relationships are just better apart.

Don't take it all on your shoulders, he sounds like a bit of a pig to be fair.

@darkparadise1 , I am interested to know how antidepressants worked for you? How long did they take to kick in? How does it make you feel in general?
To be perfectly honest I went to the GP last year and he told me I was suffering from depression. I was shocked and to be really truthful I didn't even believe him, he prescribed me citalopram and I took it for three days only, as I had in my head that he never listened to me and just threw me drugs instead and they wouldn't work and what not, I was really negative about it. I started to Google about them also, but instead i looked for the negatives. Maybe now I am more ready to accept that this is what I need :/ Your experiences on antidepressants would really enlighten me here, please do share x

@Annakiss , Yeah it was hurtful how he treated me at times.. although I do know he is also a loving person and a very good father and he actually hasn't done any of those things in a long enough time but I'm still giving him abuse over it every week. I use it against him always to manipulate things

@Annakiss do you think I leave for everyone's sake?

What stands out for me, is you never do this in front of your child. You are aware when you do it and make a choice to do so.

You are capable of controlling yourself, but because your OH has tolerated it, you continue. It's the same with either gender.

His late nights and gambling are no excuse for the aggressive behaviour.

Therapy could be a support measure for you to lean how to control your behaviour. Possibly CBT.

I read another thread by the mum of a son in an abusive relationship on here. Next time you're about to abuse him...remember he's somebody's son/brother/grandson/cousin/friend ..... He matters to them and they'd hate to know he's treated like this.

Well done for recognising you have a problem. So many others don't.

Not necessarily. Stress, trauma, all that kind of stuff messes with our thinking.

You're very negative about yourself, I would address that. You can find online therapy books if you type in .. say CBT pdf .. see what comes up. Half the time, we have to accept that something has bothered us and we need to address it in a more positive way or at all.

Get reading chick, you're not the worst person in the world .. it just feels like you are. We are all good and bad. It's what you can put up with in other people. But there needs to be boundaries, sounds like one of yours has been crossed. You need to dig deep and really think about what is bothering you about him, why, when does ur behaviour happen, is there a pattern (Say like .. when you're feeling overwhelmed or anxious)

When you feel like giving him grief, stop .... distract yourself, take ur child for a walk, dance, colouring. You need to get out of your head and let it calm down. When you're feeling better and stronger ... communication with ur OH about how you feel about things is Paramount!

Right antidepressants work, they worked for me,
Sirtraline x

I'm on citalopram, I was prescribed them for postnatal depression but have been on them for over two years now. I know it's not ideal but to be honest I'm happier than I was before and a lot less anxious.

They took a few weeks to kick in for me and I ended up on 40mg which I'm still on. I was prescribed 20mg originally but feel better on a higher dose. I have tried coming off of them and it wasn't pretty but I'm easier to live with and happier in myself on them so I've just accepted being on them for the foreseeable future!

My sister was on them around the same time and didn't get on that well with them so they may work better for some more than others. I just feel more measured and stable really.

Honestly if it's affecting your relationship and you're worrying about it/life in general then taking medication isn't the end of the world in my opinion. Or there's CBT and other therapy you may be referred to which could help.

I would definitely try and explore what you can do to help with your depression if you still have it - sometimes when I've been depressed in the past it can present as being jealous or whatever but the underlying issue is I'm depressed.

Having a two year old can put lots of strain on a relationship too - mine's nearly three and it's hard to try and be a great parent and make time for your relationship as well as everything else!

I wouldn't leave or think about ending the relationship or anything like that before you've looked into all of your options with a GP. You obviously care about your relationship and are trying to do the right things so you should definitely give yourself a lot of credit for that.

Anti depressents are useful in my opinion.

It's only a short term solution though, it gives your brain breathing space to do the work you need to do on yourself.

I've been on them for the longest period was 3 years but I always work hard on myself and eventually come off them.

They take about 2-3 weeks to work, what you described is psychological and you seem to know it already. You're smart, you'll figure it out no problem.

They've always worked for me and I didn't start entertaining meds until my thirties. I really wish I had sooner as I believe my mental health deterioated because of my own stubborness to accept that sometimes you need a little help.

If you had a headache, you'd take an aspirin ...

Let go of that stick your beating yourself with and treat yourself like you would a good friend if they came to you feeling how you feel

You'll get there

It sounds like you’re trying to sabotage the relationship.
I’d say take the anti depressants for at least 6 weeks to see how you feel on them.
Also therapy might help.
I think it’s vital you open up to your partner, show him this thread even and let him know you’re willing to get help.

@darkparadise1 and @Annakiss thank you for going into more detail . Appreciate all your responses here. I am ready to try and overcome this. Thanks again.
Yeah I really do love him so much, we have something extra, we have the spark between us and I really don't want to do this to him, I'm taking his love for granted and I know one day I may just push to far.

Are you taking on all of the problems in your relationship? If he’s gambling and staying out all night has he done anything to a) change that behaviour and b) make it up to you for lying. This isn’t all on your shoulders. That said, only you can control you. If his bad behaviour is pushing your buttons then maybe you should reconsider the relationship?

My mother was emotionally abusive and the damage it causes is horrific, if you do nt stop at some point your daughter will be influenced by it. I do nt agree with the posts minimising your behaviour or encouraging you to blame your husband

Have you sat down and spoken to him and asked him how your behaviour makes him feel?

To be honest the gambling/lying/staying out all night doesn't sound good. And it would probably make me react the same way.

You seem to be taking 100% of the responsibility for this which is admirable in one way, but if it's his bad behaviour that triggers your 'abuse' then surely this is down to both of you to resolve if you want the relationship to continue?

Do you think he is staying out all night to avoid being around you? Knows if he has missed the deadline to come home he's basically going home to a shit storm?

Lots of victim blaming on this thread.

Before responding, think about this the other way round. If this was a woman saying her husband was abusing her, would you be pointing out her faults? She needs to take some of the responsibility for her husband constantly goading and screaming at her?

Abuse is abuse, no matter who is inflicting it.

Did he gamble with his money or yours?
Did you know he was staying out or going out? Is the lying because of the way you react?

@bombardier25966

Agree with you 100%

if it's his bad behaviour that triggers your 'abuse' then surely this is down to both of you to resolve if you want the relationship to continue?

"My wife goes out with her friends and sometimes stays out late. So when she gets home I scream and shout at her." Acceptable?

I am shocked at these replies on here

Depressed? Post natal depression? Victim shaming?

Never read so much crap. Had this been written by a man the replies would be VERY different. Shame on you all. Next time a woman comes on here and says her husband is emotionally abusive and throws things at the wall, will you all be telling her she’s partly to blame? Like hell would you..

I don’t care whether you’ve got post natal depression or not, you can and do control your anger and abuse! So it isn’t post natal depression at all.

You admit you don’t act this way or abuse this man in front of your daughter which to me in a way is worse!! It’s very clever and conniving of you to claim you have no control over it yet convieniently you can control it so your daughter doesn’t witness it?

This man deserves better. Your daughter deserves a mother who doesn’t abuse her father. I’d be saying this exact same thing to a man if he was writing this.

Get help for everyone’s sake. There is never an excuse for your behaviour. And don’t be so stupid to think just because your daughter doesn’t witness it she’s blind to it all. Of course she’ll pick up on things.

"My wife goes out with her friends and sometimes stays out late. So when she gets home I scream and shout at her." Acceptable?

@Bombardier25966 No of course not, don't be so goady.

But 'My wife goes out with her friends and sometimes stays out late" is a bit different to 'My wife goes out, lies, gambles our money away then stays out all night' is a bit different. You'd be happy with that behaviour would you?