It feels like he’s a stranger - drinking

[WhoIsThisGuyAnyway]

Namechanged

We’ve been together 3.5yrs. Just got married and I need some help managing how this thing is bothering me.

I drink fairly rarely (more because it aggravates a stomach problem I have) and admit that I find it difficult to see my partner drunk.

He doesn’t drink lots. Odd glass during the week a scotch here and there. He certainly drinks less since he met me, but he has said this is because he was lonely so went to socialise at the local country pub.

The problem is that when he decides he wants to drink he does it in the manner of someone with a “her indoors” ball and chain... he will simply come home late or overindulge when we’re having dinner together on holiday.

Tonight I thought he was going to be home early but then he was later than expected and walked in proclaiming that he was most definitely not drunk (which means he is slurring his words and being boisterous already).
Before I saw that he was drunk I was moaning that he was later than expected and then once I realised I felt sad.

It’s like someone I don’t know and didn’t choose is in my house with me. First he paws at me and bounces around, then when there is no joy he will become surly within minutes and stay saying how my attempts to control his lifestyle are totally unacceptable and I’m being unreasonable...
It’s 7:15 at this point and he quickly winds up to just short of angry and says he is just trying to decide if he is supposed to apologise or I’m being totally unreasonable. I didn’t ask him to apologise for anything

Anyway TL:DR
I feel like I have a hand in creating this problem and I don’t know how to make it stop.
What do other people do or think about these situations?

Please and thanks! X

There's a book by Lundy Bancroft, 'Why does he do this?' which suggests that unacceptable behaviour should never be 'excused' by alcohol. In other words, he is showing an aspect of his true self when he is drinking.

You certainly must not blame yourself for this situation. You need to consider whether you have a future with this man.

I bloody hate the ball and chain shit. But having said that there's nothing wrong with having a few drinks every now and then. Seems to me you are a tad controlling but then I don't know what he's like when he's drunk. Maybe you are so different you are bound to clash.

Well like all partners on MN he is normally a really sterling chap he is normally considerate, caring, gentle, sensitive and romantic.

For me I think my intense dislike of him being drunk is mostly to do with the fact that he seems like someone completely different and I can’t expect anything of him at all.

Last night he had me crying hysterically as he insisted I had to explain to him what exactly he had done wrong... three attempts later and he couldn’t remember what he had said five minutes before and was indignant that I would say he said such a thing
I repeatedly said there was no point talking till the next day because this was my point in a nutshell. He kept on until I forcefully told him to go away from me over and over.

Two hours later I went to join him in the spare room to see if he had sobered up...
I went for a hug because I hoped he would be normal. He was utterly oblivious to what had happened earlier and was back around to the “horny” part of his drunk behaviour loop. (This involves thrusting his member near my face and looking optimistic. Something he would be absolutely incensed about if I did it to him).

Posted too soon.

He soon fell to heavy drunken snoring and I sneaked away and got in the other bed.

I heard him running to the bathroom twice in the night. “Not drunk at all” tho.

I wouldn't tolerate this from my DH. Just as he wouldn't tolerate it from me.

It's nothing to do with the fact you don't drink. It's to do with the fact he's drinking to excess and being a PITA when he's drunk. But don't even try talking to him when he's like this.... this is a serious and sober conversation where you tell him he's got to change.

If he can't, then you have an issue.

You have not had a hand in creating this problem and there is nothing you can do to make him stop. HE has to be the one to want to address this, you cannot make him do so. You are only responsible for your own self here, not him.

I think he sees you mainly to prop him and his associated drinking up.

Why did you choose to marry this man given his unhealthy dependent relationship with alcohol?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you for instance see parents who drank heavily?.

We got married a week ago.

I have believed that a childhood full of parents who get angry once drunk and might become violent to each other (never violent to me just neglectful), has made me unreasonably sensitive to drunkenness.

I have believed that because he drinks far, far less than he ever did before and less than most people (Certainly less than everyone in his family), that he has met me halfway.

I’m the last six months I can say exactly how many times this has happened.
On hols in Aug about four times in a week and we argued every time.
The Friday a week before our wedding, this Friday a week after our wedding and he attempted to “go for just one” after work two days before our wedding. (And obviously on our wedding day from teatime but I let that one go because it’s his day too even though he was intolerable)

It does sound like he's got an issue with alcohol.

There are a lot of threads on here from women with a partner with drinking issues. The common answer is that you didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

I would contact Al-Anon, for families and partners living with someone with alcohol issues. My friend found them a lifeline when she finally clocked that he wasn't a binge drinker he was an alcoholic.

What Lizzie wrote.

What does he say about it when he is sober ?

I was married to someone when did this and unfortunately he never stopped the behaviour during our 20 year relationship. He was lovely when sober.
It sucked the joy out of any social occasion for me as I was worried he may get drunk. I dreaded Christmas, birthdays , holidays, Friday nights
He needs help and to want to change or this will be your life ongoing unfortunately.

I do not think you are unreasonably sensitive to drunkenness at all, is that a charge btw that he throws at you.

I am also not totally surprised to read that you saw heavily drinking parents.

It was the alcohol issue that ended our marriage .

I wish I had ended it sooner . I wish I had the help of mumsnet sooner in my marriage to make me realise his alcohol issue was his problem.

He was the nicest man possible when sober and a monster when drunk.

You don’t deserve the way he treats you when he is drunk . Don’t make this your life .

He was like this at 7.15pm ?

What time did he go to the pub ?

You poor thing. I'm so sorry. It must be very frightening to face.

Do go along to al-anon it will really help you xxx

He went out for a celebratory lunch with work at 1pm. He had implied to me that he wouldn’t really be working after that so I thought he would be home early at say 5pm.

I knew he intended to have some drinks at the lunch as he took the bus to work not his car.

He claimed that he had intended to be home at five but circumstances changed... that is he met up with the guy from work that he says is a functioning alcoholic and a guy he used to work with who even he thinks is shady and untrustworthy.

So he decided to stay for some beers with these two people he says aren’t even his friends...

Yes he tells me I am being totally unreasonable and over sensitive because of my earlier experiences.

I can hear him awake and I so don’t want to deal with him at all today. I want a cup of tea but I don’t want to make him one then that will seem like a petty stance

Sauntered into the bedroom to tell me he’s had a terrible night with gastroenteritis and has been up 6 times...

I just looked stunned, asked why it wouldn’t just be the effects of alcohol and he said “there’s no way I had enough to cause that”.

FML

I wonder why you chose to marry this man at all given his drunken behaviours prior to marriage.

His alcohol issues are his problem and not yours to deal with or carry for him. You seem to him to be his crutch.

I think you should film him the next time and show it to him when sober like David Hasselhoffs daughters did (except don't post it on youtube). He seems in utter denial about his behaviour so show him evidence. Also he might suffer from complete memory loss like i do when I'm not even that drunk. Things like how I got home just go but I don't behave like that. I just talk too much and tell every one I love them and fall asleep. If he doesn't change his behaviour once shown it then you have a serious problem.

What a shame you married him just last week. You should be in post honeymoon bliss all loved up.

Is he always like this? Like every week or weekend ? Or was this a one off thing / work leaving do thing?
The reason I asked is cos he was home by 7.15! Ok he was pissed but if it's not the norm then can't you give him a bit of a break this time ?

Imo you're overreacting a bit, especially hysterically crying. Everyone changes a bit when they've had a few drinks, but it doesn't sound like he does it often. I think you need to get over this. Why don't you go together? If I came home after a few drinks and my partner reacted the way you have I'd be pretty annoyed.

I think the time/lateness and the amount of drinks are both red herrings.

It’s the behaviour that is unpredictable, frightening, argumentative and sexually disrespectful.

Most people are able to sober up a bit or access some more logical thought if the situation around them gets serious. He can’t do that. He can’t even remember what he or I said two minutes prior when he is in this state.
He is not a merry happy drunk.
He is a drunk who is on a quick loop between; aroused - argumentative - forgetful.

Pp saying about my “reaction”. He came in unexpectedly late and I was huffy about not realising he was staying out. He became argumentative before I even realised how drunk he was.

I was crying hysterically because it is incredibly fucking dismal to be married a week and your husband is shouting “your attempts to change my lifestyle are completely unreasonable and acceptable” at you. I felt a bit sad as I think most people would

My oh is like this. He's a complete sex pest when he's drunk. Even watching tv he makes stupid comments in this completely fucking stupid voice. Then when I pick him up on it he tells me 'you can't take a joke' or 'you used to be fun what happened' he drinks every other night now and I've had enough. Thinking of leaving to be honest.