It feels like he’s a stranger - drinking

[WhoIsThisGuyAnyway]

Namechanged

We’ve been together 3.5yrs. Just got married and I need some help managing how this thing is bothering me.

I drink fairly rarely (more because it aggravates a stomach problem I have) and admit that I find it difficult to see my partner drunk.

He doesn’t drink lots. Odd glass during the week a scotch here and there. He certainly drinks less since he met me, but he has said this is because he was lonely so went to socialise at the local country pub.

The problem is that when he decides he wants to drink he does it in the manner of someone with a “her indoors” ball and chain... he will simply come home late or overindulge when we’re having dinner together on holiday.

Tonight I thought he was going to be home early but then he was later than expected and walked in proclaiming that he was most definitely not drunk (which means he is slurring his words and being boisterous already).
Before I saw that he was drunk I was moaning that he was later than expected and then once I realised I felt sad.

It’s like someone I don’t know and didn’t choose is in my house with me. First he paws at me and bounces around, then when there is no joy he will become surly within minutes and stay saying how my attempts to control his lifestyle are totally unacceptable and I’m being unreasonable...
It’s 7:15 at this point and he quickly winds up to just short of angry and says he is just trying to decide if he is supposed to apologise or I’m being totally unreasonable. I didn’t ask him to apologise for anything

Anyway TL:DR
I feel like I have a hand in creating this problem and I don’t know how to make it stop.
What do other people do or think about these situations?

Please and thanks! X

The work lunch was not a “party”, it was a treat for a recent piece of work coming to completion. The rest of the team apart from “Mr Alcoholic” and my DH went back to the office at 3pm and continued to work.

He had 3 pints of ale and half a bottle of red during the afternoon. He thinks that’s nothing and I think it’s lots but the only relevant point is how it makes him behave. If he behaves in a way that is frightening to me then it’s too much.

It sounds really upsetting and tbh quite frightening. Especially if this is already a sensitive area for you because of your parents.

I don't see anything in what you've written that could possibly make this your fault, so I'm a bit confused by that.

When I was in my early 20s I had a lovely, sweet, teddy bear of a boyfriend who became an absolute total d**k when drunk. Like you say - a total personality change. We worked in a job where people went out to the pub after work regularly, so it happened often. Years later (after we broke up for other reasons) I met him randomly at an event, and he immediately apologised for his drinking and the impact it had had on me. Since we'd broken up he'd stopped drinking completely.

The thing is -- after that boyfriend, I also found it really hard to be around people who drink too much too. While dating through my 20s and 30s I would tell guys I saw that I don't really like drinking too much, and being with someone who gets really drunk frightens me. If someone's response to that had been to whine and complain, and ignore my feelings.... I think I would have taken that as a sign of them being selfish and not caring about my fear.

I think perhaps you need to sit down with him when he's sober and have a really hard conversation, listing exactly what he does when he's drunk and how frightened/molested/disgusted it makes you feel. It might be that he is an alcoholic, but you also need to find out if he actually cares about how he is hurting you, once it's all spelt out for him. Would he show any remorse for making you so miserable (while he's sober, that is)?

When he is sober you have to discuss what he said and did that was unacceptable-the fact that he’s blaming gastroenteritis for his symptoms is very troubling as he’s in denial of his alcohol problem.