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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I want to leave my marriage but I'm terrified of being single

28 replies

Breakawaygirl · 09/11/2018 11:48

Hi all

I am 29, married for four years. I have basically always been in a relationship from the age of 17, apart from a stint of around 4 years between 19 and 23 (during which I was utterly miserable and hated being alone.)

I am unhappy in my marriage. Ultimately my husband and I are incompatible. He is a homebody, plays video games and sits on his phone. I want to travel and have more of a life partner. What he DOES give me is affection, security, the feeling of safety and comfort I crave and regular sex. Even though the relationship is boring, I feel safe and honestly think 'at least I am in a relationship.'

I don't want to be in a relationship anymore, at least not like this but honestly I am terrified of being single. I am scared I won't meet someone else, or if I do they'll be abusive, or cheat or be boring or have any other number of things wrong with them. I am scared to feel lonely, scared to not be cuddled or sleep next to someone.

This fear is keeping me stuck and unhappy, but I am so afraid of being single. I am only 29 and I KNOW this sounds silly, but to me it is a truly huge fear.

Can anyone offer any comfort? I am scared of not meeting a new man, of being alone forever. OD seems horrible and most people I know are in couples OR miserably single.

OP posts:

KristinaM · 09/11/2018 11:51

Please get some counselling for yourself. Tell the counsellor what you have said here.

You need some RL help to work on your issues before you will feel brave enough to end your unhappy marriage.

And in the meantime, DO NOT GET PREGNANT ( yes I’m shouting ).

TeddyIsaHe · 09/11/2018 11:53

I agree with pp, you need counselling. You should never be scared to be alone, you should have enough self-esteem to realise there are much, much worse things in the world than being single for a while.

Definitely do not get pregnant.

Original poster

Breakawaygirl · 09/11/2018 11:54

Thanks for your post. No plans of getting pregnant :) I am looking into counselling. I am just terrified to be alone and feel there is so much pressure as a woman to be with someone. You are seen as 'over the hill' or 'not lovable.' Maybe it's a way of validating myself, see I am worthy because someone wants to call me girlfriend or wife.

OP posts:

Pinkmonkeybird · 09/11/2018 11:55

If I were you I'd go for some counselling to establish what you want. But, honestly...don't center your life on meeting another man again. You need to be happy with yourself! If you aren't happy in this relationship, get out, go travelling on your own and discover yourself! I've found that being you shouldn't depend on being with a man. Have you got a good circle of friends? Being on your own can be very positive.

onemoresmartie · 09/11/2018 12:01

Just wanted to drop by to say your not alone, I too feel like this and I am a similar age but I have had the courage to end it and you can do the same.

If something doesn't make you happy get rid of it and get better x

Original poster

Breakawaygirl · 09/11/2018 12:01

I have done a lot alone, I have travelled for two years, I do have good friends...but I find life really empty without a partner. I really want a life partner to travel and explore with and honestly without that I feel hollow and kind of bleak. I just feel like relationships can be so magical and enhance life so much - when single I honestly just feel conscious that time is passing and no-one will want me. I almost don't feel validated unless a man 'sees' me. I'm not sure where I get this from...perhaps distant father partly, I'm not sure.

I am also very romantic, affectionate etc and when single struggle to get these needs met. Most of my single friends are so unhappy that I feel it's almost better to stay where I am than to trade my brand of misery for theirs (better the devil you know almost.)

OP posts:

Unicornandbows · 09/11/2018 12:04

I think you need to make plans with friends and go on holidays with friends or even on your own and take up more hobbies along with going to a spa retreat for the weekend. Go to concerts and live a little you do not have to be joined at the hip with your partner.

This might help break up the mundane rut you are stuck in. If your partner is into gaming like mines there are so many things that you can do with him outside the house like

Escape rooms (popping up all over the place)
Vr gaming experiences
Zombie apocalypse survival games

This might help you both get out the house and bring the spark back

I don't feel as though your relationship is really bad and that you should leave as you will get to the same point with also a new relationship whereby boredom will set. I honestly feel you should give the above suggestions a little go and then re-evaluate whether indeed you are not happy with him still then leave

Unicornandbows · 09/11/2018 12:06

Ooo sorry cross posted. In that case I would suggest that you speak to him and tell him how you feel and how the lack of exploring is making you rethink the relationship and see where it goes from there

userxx · 09/11/2018 13:48

Please please get some counselling as soon as you can manage. Its so sad that you feel unworthy without a partner. You need to build up your self-esteem and quickly before you drift into another unfulfilling relationship.

WitchyMcWitchface · 09/11/2018 13:56

I think it's hard living alone if you aren't used to it. An echoing silence in the house when you get home.
I suggest getting lots of things to do that YOU enjoy, join classes, good books, anything but make sure it's there ready when you want it.

What you could do is see a life coach though it's probably not cheap, to help you discover what you would find fulfilling.

mumto2babyboys · 09/11/2018 14:06

I'm going through divorce from my abusive ex husband. I hate being single, I don't want to date yet and it's so expensive and stressful to get divorced.

It's so bad and so long and time consuming I question if I have done the right thing. Anytime you disagree with anything with him that's another court date and solicited fees which goes on for months and months.

This is my first ever Xmas being single my entire life too.

You should think carefully about throwing it all away if he is a good man and not abusive.

PaleRider1 · 09/11/2018 14:10

Can I ask why you got married if you say you and your husband are incompatible? You must have had an idea (even a rough one) that he was a home body / liked gaming?

Have you actually spoken to him about how you are feeling and that you'd like to go traveling? Would he not come with you?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/11/2018 14:18

breakawaygirl

re your comment:-

"I'm not sure where I get this from...perhaps distant father partly, I'm not sure"

Your father, particularly if he was emotionally distant, probably has a lot to do with your fear. I would seriously look into getting some counselling here re your innate fear of being single because something caused this and it keeps driving you now. BACP are good and do not charge a small fortune.

If you are fundamentally incompatible you are ultimately going to have to let go of each other.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up from your parents?.

Original poster

Breakawaygirl · 09/11/2018 14:40

Hi ladies

Sorry for my absence.

I knew we were incompatible when we married, but I was so happy someone wanted to be with me. He also makes me feel safe and secure. He isn't fun or chatty and he has flaws, but he gives me cuddles and I feel I can trust him. I get a feeling of safety rather than passion from him. He says he'd like to travel one day but he has struggled with work lately and just started a new job and so isn't in a position to do that. By contrast I am well paid and have the financial means to go - but sadly not with him :(

My dad used to work 7 days a week when I was growing up. I never saw him. He didn't cuddle me and has never told me he loves me. He has always bought me presents though and shown love in other ways, so I know he loves me but not in the way I need to be shown. He is a solid presence in my life but not demonstrative. We also argue a lot and he has sworn at me in the past - has a temper - though not violent.

Someone did tell me I've married my dad - reliable, safe but cold.

OP posts:

Rachelover40 · 09/11/2018 14:41

I'm quite certain, if you leave this marriage, you will find someone else. You're still so young! However it is a good idea to try and enjoy being single for a while, there are great advantages to singleness, and to be absolutely sure you are no longer compatible with your husband because once upon a time, you were.

ShineOnHarvestMoon · 09/11/2018 14:44

WTF are you scared of? Really? Be honest with yourself. What is it rationally that you are afraid of?

I do think that the world has managed to do such a number on women so that a young intelligent thinking woman is afraid not to be in a crappy relationship that makes her unhappy.

The only thing I find irritating about being single is that sometimes I'd like some help with the garden. But then - I just hire a gardener.

Original poster

Breakawaygirl · 09/11/2018 14:54

I'm afraid no-one else will want me. Of being alone. Of not getting affectionate. Of a dwindling window to meet a new man. It seems so hopeless when people talk about men - they cheat, abuse, are horrible - that it makes me feel there are no good options, even for young, beautiful or accomplished women. Maybe this is programming I need to undo.

OP posts:

BitchQueen90 · 09/11/2018 14:56

@mumto2babyboys what an odd attitude. So the only bar we should set for relationships is that they are not abusive? Women should have higher expectations than that!

I am divorced and I bloody love being single. I never thought I would. But I've discovered so much about myself, my self confidence has grown and I've learnt what I will and will not stand for in relationships. Now I will stay single until I find somebody that is really worth it.

RoboticMary · 09/11/2018 14:56

I think what most people don’t always appreciate is that life is mostly mundane and boring. Work, childcare, housework, family commitments etc. How much time do you realistically have for travelling and exploring the world? It’s possible you could come to a compromise on this issue. How about marriage counselling? We found it most helpful.

I wouldn’t ditch an otherwise reliable, caring, competent partner for the reasons you describe. If you want children in a few years, you won’t be going on many holidays. You need someone dependable who’s willing to be there in the trenches with you. And it’s unrealistic to expect one person to deliver everything we desire. I’d try and organise trips or short breaks - if he doesn’t want to come, might a friend go with you? Get your satisfaction and happiness from as many sources as possible, not just your DH.

Original poster

Breakawaygirl · 09/11/2018 15:10

Robotic Mary - I think that's part of what makes me so unsure. I am already so bored by my marriage, but people seem to tell me that's normal, and better than the chaos and unpredictability of single life. There is part of me that feels I should hold on to a reliable guy, as much as there's no spark, but park of me wants the passion and fun of a life partner.

People who advise me fall into two camps:

Single life is so bad. Stick with a guy who takes care of you. Passion fades anyway.
Be single and find the one who brings you passion, but you might not find him, but it's still better than being with the wrong one.

I am not sure I want kids, atm def no, but maybe future me will.

OP posts:

mumto2babyboys · 09/11/2018 15:20

I hear that from people who have been divorced for a while that's it's all so amazing etc, but actually going through it... is hell.

LovingLiving · 09/11/2018 15:30

If safety/security is important to you and you have a reliable man then stay with your husband.

There is always a risk that you won’t meet someone else if you leave or rather, you will but he might not want to travel either or maybe he won’t provide you with the feeling of security that you crave.

There are lots of divorce success stories on here but lots of them are where the woman loves being single. You seem to have such a fear of it I’m not sure it’s the right thing for you.

I would definitely make a concerted effort to improve things with your husband first. How does he feel about the relationship?

RoboticMary · 09/11/2018 15:55

Are you bored by your marriage, or bored otherwise your life? There’re two different things. I’m not sure from your posts which one it is. If your husband isn’t actively holding you back or preventing you doing the things that makes you happy, it seems unfair to blame him.

RoboticMary · 09/11/2018 15:55

*by your life. Autocorrect fail.

Lucyccfc · 09/11/2018 18:42

You forgot number 3:

Learn to love yourself and your life as a single person and not rely on a man. Travel, make friends, have hobbies, be free to make lots of choices, live life to the full.

I'm number 3 every time.

Counselling should help you to work out why you feel the need to be in a relationship and end up settling for 2nd best. When you feel more confident about yourself, you'll be surprised at the different (better) type of man you will meet.

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