I want to leave my marriage but I'm terrified of being single

[Breakawaygirl]

Hi all

I am 29, married for four years. I have basically always been in a relationship from the age of 17, apart from a stint of around 4 years between 19 and 23 (during which I was utterly miserable and hated being alone.)

I am unhappy in my marriage. Ultimately my husband and I are incompatible. He is a homebody, plays video games and sits on his phone. I want to travel and have more of a life partner. What he DOES give me is affection, security, the feeling of safety and comfort I crave and regular sex. Even though the relationship is boring, I feel safe and honestly think 'at least I am in a relationship.'

I don't want to be in a relationship anymore, at least not like this but honestly I am terrified of being single. I am scared I won't meet someone else, or if I do they'll be abusive, or cheat or be boring or have any other number of things wrong with them. I am scared to feel lonely, scared to not be cuddled or sleep next to someone.

This fear is keeping me stuck and unhappy, but I am so afraid of being single. I am only 29 and I KNOW this sounds silly, but to me it is a truly huge fear.

Can anyone offer any comfort? I am scared of not meeting a new man, of being alone forever. OD seems horrible and most people I know are in couples OR miserably single.

There is absolutely no reference at all to how this will affect your husband, it's like you can't see past yourself and your own feelings, it is ALL about you. Is he happy?

I really don't mean to be horrible but you haven't even considered making it work with your husband, you only seem to be bothered that you will be able to get another man.

If married life to this man really isn't for you, then you really need to sort yourself out and have some time out from relationships. Look into counselling and for the love of god, please don't just settle for the next man that comes along.

Why not do some travelling by yourself? Take a month off and go backpacking wherever. Swim in some seas, look round some cities, go skiing. Whatever.

If your response is "I can't", then express to yourself why not. See if you are happy with that fully articulated reason. I.e. don't just think "I can't do that". Say out loud "I can't do that BECAUSE..." plus reasons.

Are they good reasons, to your ears? Are you satisfied with those reasons?

I worked for a few years in a job, enjoyed it, and kept saving throughout, just a hundred quid per month or so. By the end of the job I had enough to fly to Arizona and backpack around the entire south west - national parks in Utah, California etc. Stayed in youth hostels and went mountain biking.

The whole thing by myself.

Was it lonely at times? Sure. Did I wish I had a partner doing all of those things with me? You bet I did. Did I regret doing it? Not a fucking chance. Did it give me something amazing to think about and talk about for the next two years? Hell yes it did.

If you can't function as an autonomous unit, then you won't (in my opinion) ever feel like ANY relationship is right for you, because you're looking for a perfect fit for your missing pieces, rather than a similar, matching second object. You aren't a broken mirror, you're a uniquely shaped drinking glass, and you should be looking for someone equally unique, and similar enough to look great together, without them being a carbon copy of you.

The best time of my life was the period between ending one marriage and the next one. After the initial 6mths which were shit, and anxiety filling, it was great.

Don’t try to look at the big picture. Make a list, first step, Where you’ll live and your budget for that.

Presuming you already work? Work hard, have fun, hang out with your friends, travel, make a life for yourself. Don’t think about another relationship at all.