I go off men who are consistently nice to me - can I change this before it is too late?

[dontstopthedrums]

For about the 5th time (in between some not very nice relationships with unsuitable, unavailable men), i've started dating a very nice man.

Not only is he nice but we click intellectually, he's got a good dense of humour and sex is good. I don't fancy him like mad - but i havent ever with anyone until i've properly fallen for them, so that is normal for me.

But i am going off him because he is so consistently nice!! I know when he will call, he never lets me down, he likes me a lot and doesnt keep that to himself, always wants to please me...

in the past i have given up on men like this because it made me uncomfortable. a year later i would see they got married and i wished i had pursued it more. i do want to settle down, i just seem to only stay with men who are difficult to keep for one reason or another.

any advice? feeling pretty down about my attitude, it is like i want to self sabotage. it has been put to me that maybe i am not THAT in this man - that may be true, but i bet my life on the fact that if he didnt call consistently or was a little distant with me from time to time, i would be VERY into him. which is sad and i dont want to be like that. i sort of feel scared of it all, the fact it is so simple.

I was on the receiving end of being in a relationship with someone who was with me for a few months but eventually she ended things because I think wanted the drama, the highs/lows and the whole treat them mean keep them keen type thing. I was stable, caring and thought of her as my world. I really fell hard for her.

4 months on I am still heartbroken and not over her. Please don't play with this guys heart, men like him are a lot more fragile and sensitive than you might realise.

Is it calm and straight forward in a good way, or is there no spark?

I find people pleasers and those a bit too overkeen off putting. The oral sex comment would make me think he was putting me on a pedestal and would have me running for the hills.

Yes -- just to be devil's advocate, obviously you are not obliged to fall for anyone who is not awful. A person can be decent and straightforward and loving and committed, and just not be the person for you, and it may have little to do with a lack of drama or uncertainty. You probably need to learn to distinguish between the two, though I recognise that's easier said than done.

I didn’t think the oral sex comment was something to run for the hills for to be honest.

There is a spark in that we get along well and have very similar outlook on life and we make each other laugh.

It’s by no means electrifying passion though. But having said that, the relationships I’ve been in where that’s been the case have ended horribly and had lows that were not worth the highs.

The Drama of Being a Child by Alice Miller

If you are having such doubts at the start of the relationship, then its probably not for you. You read many threads where people force themselves to choose stability over passion, and it normally just seems to end in regret and unhappiness.

As a man I know it pays not to be too nice, 60-70% nice is enough, else friend zone hell.

Yes, how awful that a woman might want to be your friend.

As a man I know it pays not to be too nice, 60-70% nice is enough, else friend zone hell

You have a niceness calculator that figures out the appropriate amount of niceness above which a woman won't drop her knickers for you?

rule of thumb

I think for a lot of us when someone is too nice we are wary. It's also a lot to do with self worth too. Why would he want to be so nice to me? I'm not that special. Deep down a lot of the time we don't feel we deserve the type of love they may actually offer us, even though it's better than half the losers we've previously dated who have ended awfully.

My parents were very dismissive of me growing up, emotionally distant and flaky. So it feels comfortable to get into that environment with a man. I was never good enough in my parents eyes, and so I like to date men who also see me as 'not good enough' and I've noticed I am going for emotionally unanavailable men who make me feel worthless.

But now after ghosting a perfectly lovely guy who was sooo into me and would have made a lovely boyfriend had I just been open to actually seeing where it goes. I realise I really need to take some time out from dating and work on my own life. If I can't accept a loving person into my life, then I need to work on those issues before leading someone on and hurting them.

I think you should really address a lot of issues, it's great that you are self aware to what's going on and now you need to work on that. For me I am working on my own goals, and ignoring the criticism from my parents etc. I think once I start drowning out a need for their approval etc, I also won't be so interested in gaining the approval of emotionally distant useless men.

I also used to be more into someone if I thought there was competition. Now I’ve married my lovely man I look around at all the single girls I know who would snap someone like him up in a heartbeat. I’ve never looked back.

There are worse places than a pedestal as long as there’s love and mutual respect.

How old are you? I was like this when I was younger and now see it as a lack of maturity. This may not be you of course. When I look back on on past relationships very good or bad the reason they didn't work out was because they were not right for me. Are you sure that these nice men are right for you? I met a nice man eventually, it was just finding the right one and yes my childhood wasn't good.

As a man I know it pays not to be too nice, 60-70% nice is enough, else friend zone hell.

Interesting. I wonder what your definition of 'nice' is...

In my experience, men who make comments like this rarely equate 'nice' with listening to women and what women actually need and prefer to treat women like delicate flowers; imposing their niceness on us and getting terribly offended when we change the tap washer ourselves without asking them for help (we don't need).

When you're being 'nice' the test is always - am I doing this because it meets a genuine need of hers or because it meets a need of mine?

Imposing your 'niceness' on someone is a sure way to push them away from you.

You're not being friendzoned because you're "too nice", you're being friendzoned because you're not relationship material.