I go off men who are consistently nice to me - can I change this before it is too late?

[dontstopthedrums]

For about the 5th time (in between some not very nice relationships with unsuitable, unavailable men), i've started dating a very nice man.

Not only is he nice but we click intellectually, he's got a good dense of humour and sex is good. I don't fancy him like mad - but i havent ever with anyone until i've properly fallen for them, so that is normal for me.

But i am going off him because he is so consistently nice!! I know when he will call, he never lets me down, he likes me a lot and doesnt keep that to himself, always wants to please me...

in the past i have given up on men like this because it made me uncomfortable. a year later i would see they got married and i wished i had pursued it more. i do want to settle down, i just seem to only stay with men who are difficult to keep for one reason or another.

any advice? feeling pretty down about my attitude, it is like i want to self sabotage. it has been put to me that maybe i am not THAT in this man - that may be true, but i bet my life on the fact that if he didnt call consistently or was a little distant with me from time to time, i would be VERY into him. which is sad and i dont want to be like that. i sort of feel scared of it all, the fact it is so simple.

Your seeing his good points as bad points...
You like him, so when he asks can I pick you up ask once are you sure if he says yes, then thank him and enjoy that he wants to...
He calls. Smile and answer. Even if you just listen to what he says and say that is nice... Then tell him about your day as well... If you can't answer.. Just send him a message saying bit busy... Miss you will talk later.

I also learn something that works for me, it's called talk yourself down...
He wants to do something nice for you...
He likes you.
He enjoys doing something nice for you because he makes you feel good. Is there something you can do in return for him, so you give as well as receive.
He offers to collect you... Where are you going...

Pub... Yeah you can drive but I will buy the first round...
Cinema.... OK. I'm getting the popcorn..
A day out... Buy him a gift of the day...
Make it equal. It will help. I promise, I am a people pleaser. But really all I want to make me happy is for the other person to give back... Even if it is a proper thank you.

It sounds like you think less of him for valuing you and wanting to please you. As if that is a weakness in him.

But I bet you did all those things in spades with/for your exes.

I totally get this thread by the way. Insecure attached child raising my hand here!

Going after the 'bad boys' is a cliche as old as the hills and rather sad TBH. You know exactly what will happen yet you still go there and then complain, so I don't have any sympathy for repeat offenders. You find 'nice guys' boring but will happily marry one as he's 'good enough' then a few years down the line you'll divorce him and destroy him. We've seen this on thread after thread on MN and frankly not worth trying to talk sense to these people as their behaviour won't change....you crave the drama and anything less bores you eventually.

Op, if a friend offered to collect you or gave you a neck massage (can't use the oral sex example ) would you cringe?

This isn't him, it's you. Allow yourself to let a man value and treasure you. He thinks you are worth it, why not allow yourself to believe and enjoy it?

m0vinf0rward that's not really helpful, it's not a choice that people make. It's what you been conditioned to accept. If it was as easy as "pull yourself together" people would just make different choices but it's not!

The poster who said ‘I bet you did all this in spades for your exs’ is spot on.

All the time, everyday, I wanted to please them.

movingforward you may have a point but it doesn’t feel great to read that. I desperately want to address this issue.

I’ve done some proper thinking about this and last night I found a diary I had when I was 15. It said ‘if x decides he wants to go out with me I would like him date other women at the same time, I wouldn’t be insecure about it and he will like me more for letting him do what he wants.

Since my first even teenage boyfriend my mum would always assume I had messed up if a relationship went wrong. I found this hard - even when I told her someone had threatened to throw me down the stairs she said I’m sure he wouldn’t have done that.

I’m not sure if my relationship with my parents has much to do with how I am now, but I can say with absolute certainty that whilst I had a stable upbringing, I felt like I had to win my parents attention emotionally and it was a very fractured childhood from that perspective. The idea of fighting for love and affection is an extremely familiar and safe feeling. The idea of it just being there without me working for it makes me cringe.

In relationships with ‘difficult/bad’ men, the wins of their affection have a huge effect. I feel secure, certain. I feel less certain with a man who is so nice to me, I am almost suspicious of him!!

I think your relationship with your parents, particularly your dad, has an awful lot to do with how you are now. We after all learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours seemingly taught you a lot of damaging lessons (all this having to fight for love and all that needs unlearning because you are basically choosing men who are emotionally unavailable just like your parents were and still are).

Are you also a people pleaser, if so that tendency needs to be addressed too. Do you feel you are seeking your parents approval even now?.

Bad boys are just that, bad.

If you are indeed serious about addressing your issue then you need to talk this through with a counsellor. BACP are good. I would also suggest you look at baggage reclaim and read their stuff on Mr Emotionally Unavailable and the Fallback girl.

Your parents and childhood has a profound effect on the person you become. Definitely talk to a counsellor and sort this out now so you don't waste years with bad men.

People treating you well isn't cringe, it's them realising you are worth good treatment. And to be fair, if they think this way about you and want to impress you, in the hope of a future with you, then they have great taste. Right?

For example the other day he said he’d never been that keen on going down on women but he likes it with me because he likes making me happy... it made me cringe but actually, that’s a nice thing isn’t it?

It would make me cringe too!

I find someone being overly 'nice' to be incredibly stifling. I don't want a 'yes man'. I want someone who is their own person, who challenges me; who has their own boundaries. Not someone who will do whatever I want them to in order to be 'nice' and make me happy.

It's incredibly cloying and insincere.

I think early on in relationships the idea is to impress so there can be a bit of going overboard by both men and women.

I wonder if that was behind the oral sex comment.

I've said to partners "don't be so cringe" before. If it really is cringe, name it. But kind, thoughtful gestures, like giving a lift, really don't seem up there as cringe to me. I'd appreciate that!

i suppose he hasnt been that cringe then - it was just the oral sex comment!

generally he is just quite simply very nice. he often says "dontstopthedrums i like you so much" - which i think is quite cute.

hes clearly much more ready than i am for a proper relationship. whereas i am ready for that when there's drama, so it is taking me longer to get used to this with him.

I'm totally the same as you - I always thought it's to do with liking the chase more than the catch (it's usually seen as a guy's thing but I think females can have it too) but obviously enjoying being chased rather than being the chaser.

It's also to do with the perception of high value. Imagine you apply to two jobs (Job A and Job B) (both which you kind like equally or even Job B that you like a bit more). Imagine you get a job offer for Job B but declined for Job A. Our natural tendency would be to suddenly lust after Job A (it may not be a better job but the fact you didn't get it puts it at high value in your mind compared to JobB which was easy to get (a.k.a. the "nice guy"). Also, you're more likely to work harder at a job if you think you're at risk of losing it (i.e. the hot and cold guy) than one that's a totally certainty (i.e. the always nice guy)

It the opposite of posters asking if their new man really likes them.

You can always tell him you know and he doesn't have to keep telling you if it bothers you :)

lightning that is exactly how it is! i just wish i could stop it and reserve that sort of attitude to things like jobs rather than relationships!

herelgo i have told him i know and he has marginally toned it down. strangely ive been told by a friend of his that he's usually very casual about relationships, so he must really like me.

Maybe imagine meeting someone you really, really like. How would you behave?

i would change my behaviour to try and please them i think.

this man seems to like me as i am so far.

You need to change your mind set, you don't need to fight to win.
Sometimes you need to accept..
Remind yourself about how the nice men you regret not staying with have become some else's.

Could it be that managing the ups and downs makes you feel like you have a bit of control and that by not giving you the chance to step in and "save the day" as it were, he's reduced your power in the relationship?

I struggled a bit when I met my now DH. He was so thoughtful, reliable and considerate. I didn't quite know what to think of it. We're now happily married for 21 years with two great kids and he's been a lovely husband and father. So you can work through this.

Yes I definitely think there’s an element of control concerns. When you’ve had a big high and a big low it makes the relationship seem worthwhile (in my head at least).

For whatever reason I feel scared of commitment, real commitment. I don’t want to feel that way because I really don’t want to be with someone in the long term.

Maybe I need to take things day by day at the moment.

It makes me feel horrible to know I would be much more into this man if I thought other women were too. Clearly that’s my own self esteem issue that I need to work on.

i would change my behaviour to try and please them i think.

I think this is also an issue.

What sort of behaviours would you change?

My mother was the sort to change herself to fit the man she was with - TV programmes she watched; music she listened to; activities she enjoyed... i don't mean taking on interests and characteristics- which is inevitable and a good thing to a certain degree - but she stopped watching/eating/doing things she had previously enjoyed and denying that she ever had.

Now that's quite extreme, admittedly, but in what ways would you change?

I don't understand that. If someone likes you then I can't imagine they would want you to change.

This book is good and written for the layman.

The oral sex thing is a bit off, I'm willing to bet once the honeymoon period is over he'll not be so keen to go down on you anymore. I'm a bit suspicious of guys who don't really like vaginas though!

I think I like the effort I have to make for them to like me. Not completely but sometimes. The men I have gone for in the past have been very adoring of me (at the start) and even more so when I did things I knew they would like even if I wasn’t bothered about it. For instance I would wear clothes I thought they would like. I don’t do that anymore and then this man arrives

Maybe if you are not totally into this guy (even if you want to be) you shouldn't get involved with him. Try thinking of someone else for a change, you could end up messing him up if he's really keen on you and eventually you bail on him because you get bored. Perhaps you should be by yourself until you get you work out what you really want and are ready to commit to it.

I’m not totally into him but I do like him. It is calm and straightforward and maybe that’s what I have been avoiding in the past. I’m hoping I can change my mindset as to what a meaningful relationship is.