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Original poster

Is there ever an excuse for an affair?

31 replies

Isthereeveranexcuse · 09/11/2018 05:59

Regular n/c

Was reading anither thread about an affair and thinking about the end of my own marriage.

My ex was abusive. He was physically, sexually, mentally and financially abusive. He would hit me, physically manhandle me, sexually assault me and rape me and he controlled all the money.

I left with nothing and have built my life up from the ground up.

But I definitely had an emotional closeness with a male friend before we split. We worked together and he asked me one day if I was ok and I broke down. He supported me in terms of emotional support and someone to talk to for about 6 weeks. We never slept together but we were definitely very close. And if it hadn’t been for him telling me I was worth more, I ne’er would have had the guts to leave.

I don’t see him now, we kept in touch for a while but he got a partner, and he’s married now, with a young baby. I have no desire to see him, and I never wanted to fuck him. But I did lean on him.

If it’s relevant my ex had a “new” girlfriend within a couple of months of our split and I’m not entirely sure if he wasn’t shagging her before we split.

Sorry this is long.

OP posts:
Sohardtochooseausername · 09/11/2018 06:09

I just want to give you a hug! I can relate to this. In the last year of my relationship when my exP was being really unpleasant and hard to live with (and it turns out he was also having an affair) I was working very closely with someone who made me feel great. He regularly complimented me on my work and we also had a good laugh, sometimes it felt a bit flirty. Nothing happened between us (he was married and I just wouldn’t go there) but I felt guilty for liking him and for feeling good when I was with him.

I don’t think it counts as an affair though and I think it is natural to find comfort elsewhere when you’re being treated badly at home. I think it’s a side effect of the abuse to see friendship with someone from the opposite sex and support from them as somehow wrong. My exP was trying to make out there was something going on between me and one of my best friends who is a man - and one I have never fancied (that’s why he is a friend!)

If I was you I’d take the positives from the friendship from the other man - you are worthy of firendship, respect and positive relationships.

JanetLovesJason · 09/11/2018 06:14

That’s not an affair. That’s friendship. That man was a true friend to you. You were in need and he supported you.

An emotional affair is a different thing to that.

LadyFuchsiaGroan · 09/11/2018 06:18

I think in a situation like yours it's completely different. Probably felt more like an affair as I'm guessing your ex wouldn't have been happy with you talking to your friend, but I think it helps to be able to talk about what you went through with a friend. You definitely needed emotional support.

Sohardtochooseausername · 09/11/2018 06:19

JanetLovesJason yes that as well.

AuntieStella · 09/11/2018 06:35

Affair justified, no.

But unless you're withholding a fuckload of relevant detail, you're describing a friend (whose sex is irrelevant).

Finding strength to leave can be really hard. But actuallly having an affair/emotional affair is not a good way to go about it. It complicates things and puts you in the wrong in the eyes of the world. But realising that not all men are shits and that you could do better, can be a positive thing. Support from friends can be vital.

Original poster
Isthereeveranexcuse · 09/11/2018 06:37

Absolutely no relevant detail being with held. We met in the pub for a chat and I went to his house one night after I had been raped by my partner and I cried and had a bath. Went home at about 11pm. We used to talk in our lunch hour.

I’m just uneasy because he was male I suppose. It’s a long time ago and I don’t suppose it really matters now I was just wondering

OP posts:
MistressDeeCee · 09/11/2018 06:49

I don't think an affair is ever justified. On some level, there's a comfort zone that a person wants to remain in whilst having the affair and that's why they won't leave their partner and would much rather sneak around.

Leaving can be traumatic resulting in loss of a home life, someone to help with the children, far less money, leaving a comfortable property etc.

Wanting your partner to remain in place and in a relationship with you whilst you run around in secret (well a secret to the person being cheated on, but not to the 2 people cheating with each other) is wrong.

S/he did this so I sneaked around with someone else doesn't quite cut it for me

Life is complicated though so I wouldn't necessarily judge someone who's had an affair. I just think the reality of it is often glossed over in the name of justification.

It sounds as if your man there was a very good friend to you OP and the catalyst for you moving forward towards a better and more stable life for yourself.

MaryJenson · 09/11/2018 07:21

That was friendship. He just happened to be male.

I’m pleased you’re now in a happier place.

JanetLovesJason · 09/11/2018 08:27

He was a friend because he helped you put yourself before your partner, not himself ahead of your partner.

WaneJaller · 09/11/2018 08:33

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Original poster
Isthereeveranexcuse · 09/11/2018 08:35

Wane I have no idea what you are talking about.

OP posts:
WaneJaller · 09/11/2018 08:38

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Original poster
Isthereeveranexcuse · 09/11/2018 08:38

You what?

OP posts:
saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 09/11/2018 08:40

Wane.....what's going on??

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 09/11/2018 08:42

Just some idiot, ignore, it will be deleted soon.

Whilst I don't think having an affair is necessarily a good idea, I don't think there should be any judgment if someone in an abusive relationship has an affair. If that gives them the wherewithal to escape the abuse then that is great.

The main concern I would have is that they would already be in a vulnerable state and predatory men can spot that. They might end up going from one abusive relationship to another.

Original poster
Isthereeveranexcuse · 09/11/2018 08:42

I thunk I’m being confused with someone else and also being threatened. Quite worrying.

OP posts:
PickAChew · 09/11/2018 08:47

I've reported the idiot troll. Best ignored.

I don't want to report and run, though, isthere you had a lovely friend, who happened to be male. Don't even allow yourself a shred of guilt Flowers

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 09/11/2018 08:54

I don't think there was any sort of affair with your friend OP. But even if there had been, I don't think it should be something to feel guilty about.

Adversecamber22 · 09/11/2018 09:01

That was a close friendship in a difficult time.

Affairs are not ever justified but in those circusmstances your vulnerability would have shown and I bet some women in that situation would meet males that would have taken advantage.

I'm glad your away from your ex, enjoy your life now.

Jsku · 09/11/2018 09:02

Very few things in life are black and white...
The easiest examle is the affairs when something terrible happened....
A long time ago had a bf.
His family was in a car accident, his mother was never the same after that with mental/physical state altered.
His father lived in the family home till the end. Over time he met a lady and she became part of his life.
Met all of them when I met my bf.

This is extreme, but there are many shades.

MN’s world where things are absolutes doesn’t really exist.

Jackshouse · 09/11/2018 09:07

I don’t think an affair is ever justified but life is messy and none of us are perfect and an affair is not the worst thing a person can do.

OP you didn’t have an affair. That man sounds like a good friend.

ErickBroch · 09/11/2018 12:59

I had the exact same thing, scarily similar. Extremely abusive relationship for two years, had no confidence, was too terrified to even look at anyone else in public in case he found it, had to send constant video evidence of where I was at all times... it goes on.

I became close emotionally to someone I worked with, he helped me realise that it was possible to escape the situation and be brave enough to do it. The fallout was worse than I had ever imagined, revenge porn, violence, a lot of police involvement... but my friend was there the entire time.

We have been together for almost three years now, it was definitely 'emotional cheating' but I regret nothing considering the hell I was living through.

CandyCreeper · 09/11/2018 13:16

no excuse for affairs imo

Canaryyellow1 · 09/11/2018 13:20

I’ve been cheated on as an emotional affair. It was devastating even though there was no sex involved.

I don’t recognize anything terrible in your description though. It was 6 weeks, you then ended your relationship, you didn’t get off on it, you didn’t use it to seek attention and thrills.

You basically talked to a man as a friend and acted.

Canaryyellow1 · 09/11/2018 13:22

But no never an excuse for an affair. Excusing lies, betrayal and selfishness.

I wouldn’t class what you did OP as an affair.