Is there ever an excuse for an affair?

[Isthereeveranexcuse]

Regular n/c

Was reading anither thread about an affair and thinking about the end of my own marriage.

My ex was abusive. He was physically, sexually, mentally and financially abusive. He would hit me, physically manhandle me, sexually assault me and rape me and he controlled all the money.

I left with nothing and have built my life up from the ground up.

But I definitely had an emotional closeness with a male friend before we split. We worked together and he asked me one day if I was ok and I broke down. He supported me in terms of emotional support and someone to talk to for about 6 weeks. We never slept together but we were definitely very close. And if it hadn’t been for him telling me I was worth more, I ne’er would have had the guts to leave.

I don’t see him now, we kept in touch for a while but he got a partner, and he’s married now, with a young baby. I have no desire to see him, and I never wanted to fuck him. But I did lean on him.

If it’s relevant my ex had a “new” girlfriend within a couple of months of our split and I’m not entirely sure if he wasn’t shagging her before we split.

Sorry this is long.

I know a couple of woman that were subject to heavy abuse, self belief ground into the dirt etc. who had affairs and found the strength to leave their respective dickheads shortly after.

I hold precisely zero judgement against them. If what they did was 'betrayal and selfishness' it was a spec of dust next to a planet compared to how utterly and thoroughly they were betrayed by the men they trusted. Years of gaslighting and emotional torture... if their wives managed to find a spec of actual joy away from the misery they suffered daily then more power to them. Absolutely.

I'm male and my ex-wife cheated on me (and I was absolutely not abusive!) so I'm not speaking as a naive person who doesn't know the pain it can cause.

Absolutely. I can understand why people say that there is never an excuse for cheating, given that lots of cheaters come up with all sorts of excuses. But where there is abuse I can't see how there is any moral issue whatsoever. (Though as I said above, it still might not be the best idea.)

No excuse for an affair, but that doesn't sound like an affair not even an emotional one.

Emotional affairs are more where you feel something for the other person, and treat them as like your partner without the physical side of it. Sounds to me like he helped you through a difficult part in your life, but as a female friend would. If the person had been female, would you think it's an affair?

Yes I do think sometimes it's understandable.
Also it doesn't sound like you had any kind of affair or did anything wrong imo.

My great grandma had an affair, while her husband was in prison. Complicated circumstances, he was very violent and things were quite different back then. She talks about it quite openly now and says it was born from self preservation. Her affair partner (who she later married) was also married with dc, so very messy and quite the scandal at the time (small mining village).

I don’t agree with cheating but I understand why she did it! They spent the rest of their lives together had 4 dc of their own and he worshipped her. So it’s difficult to see it as wrong at all, and I don’t for a second think she owed her husband faithfulness (if you’re abusive to your partner you’re already breaking your vows in my mind so shouldn’t expect them to keep them) but he did to his wife!

I don’t think you cheated though Op! But even if you had, I’d certainly understand why.

You had a good friend, there, OP. Not an affair or even close.

I wouldn't judge you if you did though. When someone is abusive as you described, he has already destroyed the marriage and the vows. Better for you if you could get out without an affair but if that is the only way to do it - well I wouldn't judge.

Nor would I judge the situation which is becoming more common as people live longer and one partner may have dementia/alzheimers. I think it better if you can manage and many people do but for others it can mean 20 years where you are still married, still want to care for the person because you love them so divorce is out of the question, but the person you married is essentially already gone and your marriage in any real sense is over. I wouldn't judge someone forming a new friendship in these circumstances. I know people where it happened to their parents and they don't judge them as wrong (even while finding it difficult).