Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He left me saying we have no future because of the religion

37 replies

UnhappySoul · 09/11/2018 02:10

It all started between us last year in the month of Nov.. We work in a same company. We never proposed each other but we came into a relationship with mutual feelings.. He is a muslim guy and I'm an hindu. At the beginning of the relationship he said he can't commit to me as he had a past which didn't work out.. So he is not going to expect anything out of this relationship.. I wanted to stop things between us as he is not giving commitment to me but he didn't agree with me and gave me a word that he will never leave me in the middle.. Let the time decide where it wants to take us, he said. I agreed.. We were very happy with each other.. We never used to tell i love you to each other but we have been sharing the bond and we really respect each other.. I gave my virginity to him. He is really a good person i met in my life. Its been 20days since he broke up with me saying that we don't have a future... We never fought with each other.. We never had any clashes.. We were happy and all of a sudden he texted me saying his current situation is not good and he can't take this relationship anywhere and moreover there is no future for us as we belong to different religions. By the time i received those messages, i was 5weeks pregnant and i got to know that 2 days back of the day he said he wants to end.. I didn't tell him this thinking he is going through a lot with his responsibilities and this shouldn't add stress to him. I went to gynaecologist and she advised me to take a pill for 5days so that it will be gone when i get my menstration. So i thought of letting him know this when i get my periods so that he will not be tensed and harm himself (he stated he is going to die if something wrong happens when i said my periods have been delayed) after 3 days of the breakup, i got my periods and i called him to tell him this. I wasn't that worried thinking that if he comes to know about this he would definitely not leave my side. But, he did. Even after letting him know the situation i went through by myself, he said there is no future.. I was on my first day of menstrual period and ran to his office building (our office building are different now) at 3am in the midnight in a cab all alone. I went to him.. I tried my best to convince him. I said, we will try in future.. Why do you want to break this with your own hands.. Why can't you try at home when time comes.. All he got to say was, it will not work. I'm moving on.. You have to move on too.. Try to understand this is not going to work out.. It was me who said those words in the beginning and he convinced me saying we will try.. He loves me too.. But he is killing his feelings by thinking about the future.. He says he got many responsibilities to do.. His financial situation is not good.. But what i got to do with this? I said I'll wait.. I'll talk at my home.. We will talk at our homes when we are settled..but he is not agreeing.. He just says, there's no future and my family will not accept us.. We will have to suffer alot then. So it's better we end this here. Now here, I'm clueless.. Don't know what to do.. I still want him. And i want to try for us in future..i want him to hold my hand and talk to his parents..but all he says is, that's not going to work out. What all he said was, Instead of being broken when our parents do not accept us in future, it's better we end our relationship now and move on with our own lives..
Now here I'm. Thinking what the hell just happened!!
I begged him.. I tried everything to get him back... Please help

OP posts:
aidelmaidel · 09/11/2018 02:14

Sweetheart, go and have a drink of water, and something to eat, and then try and get some sleep. Everything looks worse at 2am.

selfidentifyinggiraffe · 09/11/2018 02:16

He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. I know this is painful but you can't force him to be.

You need to do what he's telling you and move on.

Original poster
UnhappySoul · 09/11/2018 02:18

He says even he is going through alot of pain to move on.. But that's the only solution he says... I'm still wondering why can't he try for us when he thinks what we got is real and special

OP posts:
selfidentifyinggiraffe · 09/11/2018 02:23

When a man wants to be with you... he will be

When a man claims it's hard for him too, he's probably protecting your feelings from the fact that for whatever reason (family, money, no longer in love etc) he actually doesn't want to be with you enough to do anything to try and overcome it

pallisers · 09/11/2018 02:24

OP, this is awful for you but you are truly and absolutely better off without him. Honestly. I am older - I know this. You would have had a lifetime of pain and conflict and misery with his family and him. Pick yourself up, talk to your girlfriends, moan and bitch about him and then some day soon you will meet a really nice lovely man who you will utterly click with and who won't care about religion.

There is a Garth Brook song called "Unanswered Prayers" about someone being glad they didn't end up with a particular girlfriend they adored - or thought they adored (google it). One of my best friends played it on our weekend away before her wedding saying it summed her life up. She loved this guy who her parents didn't like - he wasn't good enough for her (he was a nice guy). She perservered but it didn't work out - too much baggage and opposition. And 2 years later she met the love of her life, her now husband (25 years happily married). Things work out. honestly.

Alfie190 · 09/11/2018 02:25

People do end relationships even when they love the other person, because they know it will pass. You do need to move on, he doesnt want this relationship.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2018 02:42

He doesn't want to be with you. The religion bullshit is just an excuse. It's time to block him and move on.

Original poster
UnhappySoul · 09/11/2018 02:53

This moving on thing is not really happening 😭😭😭

OP posts:
selfidentifyinggiraffe · 09/11/2018 02:57

Yeah it's hard and painful and won't happen overnight

Step by step though

Step 1 is accepting it is over

It's fine to grieve the loss of a relationship

Original poster
UnhappySoul · 09/11/2018 03:02

I couldn't sleep.. I'm still stuck at the day he said we need to stop this... I still can't digest he left me like this. Even after knowing that i had to go through something worst happened to me??? I'm still hoping he would come back

OP posts:
selfidentifyinggiraffe · 09/11/2018 03:13

Heartbreak is miserable isn't it

You won't move on till you accept it though or begin healing

Say he did come back right now... you think you'd be happy and it would be solved. It wouldn't - you'd have major trust issues that would eventually destroy it anyway

Move on and heal. Once that happens if he ever does - you will see clearer then and be able to handle it if you ever did get back together

I think Muslim men have a lot of expectations often from their families... in a way you don't just have a relationship with them, you end up having one with the whole family. It's not a walk in the park to effectively marry his parents too if you're from different backgrounds. Or he ends up being cut off because he chooses you. It's his family though, his support network, and in this case his beliefs too... many people would choose their families and beliefs over someone they had romantically become involved with, that's a massive deal

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2018 03:23

Why would you want back a man who repeatedly shits all over you? He has done nothing but play you and string you along. If he loved you, he would be with you. Please have more self-respect than to pine for a scumbag like this.

LoudJazzHands · 09/11/2018 03:35

Has his family arranged a marriage for him that he can't bring himself to tell you about?

His lack of commitment suggests to me that he knew this could/would happen and the sudden change suggests that it actually did.

HoppingPavlova · 09/11/2018 03:49

You need to accept that it's over.

While you might not be able to see it right now, he has done you a favour. When you heal from this you are free to move on and find a man who is right for you without all of the complicating bullshit.

As an aside, I don't understand why he was in his office at work at 3am?

PainUni · 09/11/2018 04:15

How old are you and which country are you in?

Sweetie, this guy is not right for you. If he wanted to be with you, he would have found a way. There's no point having a partner who is not fully into you. Trust me it is toxic and horrible, and in the long term incredibly lonely.

If it helps, like many other faiths, there are restrictions on who Muslims can marry. Muslim men can marry other Muslims, Christian and Jews (people of the book). Are you willing to convert to any of those faiths? If not, there is really no point pursuing this any further. It's going to hurt, accept it, grieve it, take your time and move on. The first thing to do is stop all contact with him.

Your boyfriend should never have given you hope but then some men regardless of faith or not are just shit like that. In the politest way, you need to smarten up and ask the right questions when you first meet people. Hopefully you will meet someone who deserves you and loves you the way you deserved to be loved Flowers

PainUni · 09/11/2018 04:20

With regards to his comment about financial situation, although it might not be relevant to you, it is relevant to him. And that's why I think he is right when he says it is not going to work, because you don't understand each other's culture and nor do you both have the communication skills currently to overcome those cultural barriers.

In the Muslim faith, the husband is responsible to pay for everything for his wife, even if his wife works and is rich. From clothes to rent to sustenance for her, he has responsiblity for all of it. Therefore financial responsibility is a huge thing for Muslim men. So I know to you it may seem like an he is making an excuse, but it may really not be an excuse.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 09/11/2018 04:57

Similar happened to a young friend of mine except the relationship lasted much longer and she was the Muslim (not at all strict, in her case). His family wouldn't have accepted her as his wife, and he wouldn't go against his family.

It's a big thing to risk being cut off completely from not only your own family but the wider cultural community as well and it sounds like he doesn't have the balls for it.

Give up and move on from him - I'm sorry he's led you on like this though, as this would always have been the end scenario. :(
BUT, given that this WOULD always have been the end scenario, he is NOT a good man to have let you lose your virginity to him, if it is important to you that you should have kept it for the man you marry. He has used you and he does not truly love you - he has let you down in many ways. Try to realise this and it will help you to "move on".

Original poster
UnhappySoul · 09/11/2018 05:07

I'm 22 completed and he is 26 completed..
Our company works 24 7 and we both are into night shifts

OP posts:
Original poster
UnhappySoul · 09/11/2018 05:15

I'm from India.. Yes... I wanted to convert so that our marriage will be accepted

OP posts:
PainUni · 09/11/2018 05:21

@UnhappySoul it doesn't sound good. Given that culturally he was aware of what losing your virginity meant to you, it's a horrible thing to do. You need to be angry with him and move on from him.

Orchardgreen · 09/11/2018 05:48

I’m sorry for you. It’s really hard I know, and you must be very unhappy, but you will eventually begin to feel better and enjoy life again.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/11/2018 05:57

One day you will come to accept this. Either the pull of his family is too strong or his feelings have changed. I’m also wondering if the parents are arranging a marriage. Do you have anyone to talk to in real life?

Butterfly44 · 09/11/2018 06:21

You're young and it hurts. Heartbreak does that and only time will heal.
He is not coming back. You WILL move on and find someone else in life. I promise.
You have your romantic view that love will conquer all but life isn't life that. Back at uni this happened a lot with friends of mine - many cross cultural relationships- Muslim/Hindu/Sikh etc....but in the end most went on to marry someone from their own faith. And they are so happy with lovely families of their own. No regrets.
This was your first serious relationship. There will be more. Gone are the days you end up with the guy you lost your virginity to.

TipseyTorvey · 09/11/2018 06:29

I feel so sorry for you reading through your post. It is going to take both time and separation for you to move on but you WILL get over this. Please remember that if he seems cold it's because he's been planning to end it for weeks so has had time to process it and move on whereas for you it's just the start of the process so give yourself some time. Can you take time off work? Or better still find another job where you won't see him.

Whatever you do, you need to accept its over. When men move on, boy do they move on, so please don't contact him again. As pp have said in years to come you'll meet someone who is truly right for you that would never treat you like this.

Aqua25 · 09/11/2018 06:30

I wouldn't be surprised if he had a wife and kids at home, a friend was in a similar situation and his wife found out so he cut all contact abruptly. You don't need someone like him in your life, he doesn't deserve your tears.