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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s done it again

76 replies

Spotthefool88 · 09/11/2018 00:15

I am such a fool! I cannot believe I allowed myself to fall for his shit again.

Was seeing a guy and after a few month he called things off as he wasn’t ready...we stayed in contact as friends (with the off meet up) about three weeks ago he got back in touch found out I was dating and told me he wanted us to try again ‘we had something special’ but he only wanted ya to date exclusively not date anyone else.

So since then we’ve seen each other twice a week all good...stayed at his last night and when we woke this morning I could just tell something was off. He was quite snappy with me but then when I was leaving pulled me in for a hug and kiss. Few brief texts today yet he’s been online constantly.

I text him tonight and asked was all ok he was dry in his reply saying he was just flat out in work (yet I seen he was online constantly but I didn’t say this to him) I told him that if things were getting too much for him again we could just leave things but I’d just rather know.

His reply was. ‘ I will tell you of they are, my heads all Over the place been thinking alot. I'm going to bed i will ring you tomorrow‘

It’s quite obvious he’s done with us again and I’m more mad at me for thinking he’d be different this time 😩

OP posts:
Claw001 · 09/11/2018 15:22

I can see where josuk is coming from and you too OP.

I think Josuk is right, you both appear to want a different pace.

What does 30 days of no contact mean?

DaffoDeffo · 09/11/2018 16:06

to be brutally honest, it sounds to me like he's seeing more than one person and struggling to decide who he wants to see when. Like you say he's probably drawn to you for the sex but also seeing someone else on the side.

Sorry if that sounds harsh but that's the way it reads (especially with the way the communication changed and the online thing). He probably got you to be exclusive with him because he's that type that every time you pull away, he runs after you as he obviously loves the chase.

planechocolate · 09/11/2018 16:32

"I'm not going to sit around waiting for you to blow hot and cold and faff about making your bloody mind up. I've made my mind up - it's over. End of discussion."

At least that's what I'd send him if I were you.

dontalltalkatonce · 09/11/2018 16:34

Just get rid of him. He's a drama llama and hard work.

Original poster
Spotthefool88 · 09/11/2018 16:52

30 days of no contact...messages, phone calls, looking at socia media

His number has been deleted he’s been removed off my social media.

I need to remember that not everyone is as honest as me and won’t give you an explanation my ex of 10 years couldn’t even give me an apology or explanation about his affair why would this guy

OP posts:
Claw001 · 09/11/2018 16:56

Just 30 days? What happens after 30 days?

Original poster
Spotthefool88 · 09/11/2018 16:57

By 30
Days you’re over it and don’t even want to contact them

OP posts:
DaffoDeffo · 09/11/2018 17:06

good, well done. I don't think you're the same age as me but I saw someone briefly who did exactly the same thing right down to the 30 days thing.

I found out later he was seeing 3 or 4 people and just playing them all around and pushing the 30 days thing with girl1 when he got close to girl2 then pushing her away and moving on to girl3.

Anyway, even if it isn't that, you are better off without the stress and the drama!

Claw001 · 09/11/2018 17:15

If you can get over him in 30 days, I suspect you are not actually ‘devastated’!

Sounds like a good plan though. Hope you stick to it and don’t go back again.

Original poster
Spotthefool88 · 09/11/2018 17:23

No I’m not devastated he isn’t worth me being devastated over I’m disappointed in myself for believing his words again

OP posts:
Claw001 · 09/11/2018 17:32

Good for you, fuck him (not literally!) Flowers

toffeeapple123 · 09/11/2018 18:36

Ahhh he's done you a favour!

My suggestion is to leave it. Don't respond. It will drive him crazy.

Focus on you and enjoying an emotionally healthy life without him!

I've been there, it's not fun, but you will come out much stronger and happier and healthier!

Original poster
Spotthefool88 · 09/11/2018 23:22

Feeling a lot better tonight had a lovely night with family and I realised he would never have ‘got’ us and I wouldn’t have been comfortable with him around them..:not everything you lose is a loss mnetters as always youse have been brilliant

OP posts:
Didsomeonesaybunny · 09/11/2018 23:57

My ex was like this OP and it’s a headf* - no good comes of it. Whenever my ex would get wind that I was properly and fulsomely moving on he would start dropping breadcrumbs and then the messaging would start. After much begging and coercision I’d take him back and as soon as he’d reeled me in, broke me up with someone that he Felt threatened by he would become distant again. It’s a cycle he got into and unfortunately years later he’s still in that exact cycle. Even after the most horrendous behaviour he is still trying to get me back knowing I’ve found someone else and I’m happy. The comforting thing is he does the same to multiple women so it’s not just me being crazy.

Stalking his social media will only make you anxious and angry, block him if you can but at the very least just don’t look. My ex would insist we iMessaged instead of whatsapped - I later found out it was because he had another woman on the go and he didn’t want her seeing we were chatting online.

It could be that he has other stuff going on but ime if he’s done this before and patterns are forming it’s not a good sign

Jungster · 10/11/2018 00:06

I've done internet dating OP given up mind you and I hear you. You give somebody the benefit of the doubt because they are persuasive and you would feel cynical or like you weren't ''open'' to a relationship if you didn't give them a chance, and now this crap. On off hot cold.
I agree with the poster who says that nobody needs this confusion in their life. You will be happier without this on of shit.. It'll make you doubt yourself and erode your self esteem. The whole focus of the relationship will be about you pleasing him, you being what he wants and needs. And you second guessing his moods. And meanwhile you'll be a nervous wreck and he'll barely notice so long as his needs are met.

Jungster · 10/11/2018 00:08

''not everything you lose is a loss''. I like that! Gonna remind myself of that from time to time.

WeMarchOn · 10/11/2018 00:13

Sounds like he doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you!! Get rid OP, he isn't worth your time or effort xx

Original poster
Spotthefool88 · 10/11/2018 00:18

I noticed the past few weeks from starting again I have been a lot more insecure when I’m with him I just never feel settled I suppose deep down I knew he was gonna play me again but that wee part of hope got in the way. My best friend said to me today ‘spot if I was telling you this what would u be saying to me’ and I know I’d tell her to run a mile. She was the only person I told we were back on because the rest of my friends dislike him after the last time x

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/11/2018 01:38

If someone ends it because they aren't feeling it, I wouldn't be giving them another chance.

Put it down to experience and learn from it.

He's not worth it.

Seriousquestion09 · 10/11/2018 04:26

The way some OLD men work

Definite girls: who they want probably because the girl is a challenge and has no actual interest in them but the guy fancies them. She is probably already spoken for now. They did not sleep together if they dated.

Maybe girls: the ones who they fancy and can actually get because the girl is single. She also is nice and has the time of day for him because she is single. The behaviour changed when they slept together.

They mess you around, future fake, ego boost.... the terms are endless and that won’t change as you are a “maybe girl” possibly one of many and he will never change his opinion of you... best thing to do is block and delete and move on.

Seriousquestion09 · 10/11/2018 04:27

It seems to be a common theme of OLD and I think the older the guy is the worse it gets.

Original poster
Spotthefool88 · 10/11/2018 15:14

That def makes sense I was his maybe girl!

OP posts:
Supertiredmummy · 10/11/2018 16:08

You and your time are not worth this. You can't waste your time in someone who is so trying. X

Jungster · 10/11/2018 20:11

So true, and despite having a really strong sense of myself and never having felt better about myself as a person to an internet man, on line date, I have a low value due to my age (48) so a few times when I attributed a man with some discernment, it turned out he did not have it and I was a maybe woman. I have given up internet dating because no man I met on line treated me better than a maybe woman.

The only men who seem to respect you are the ones you just couldn't muster up any attraction for

Kennycalmit · 10/11/2018 20:27

Even if you’re not a fan I really advise any woman in a similar position as you to watch the episode of sex and the city about “he’s just not that into you”.

It doesn’t matter what excuses/sob stories/crap a man says, if he genuinely liked you and wanted to be with you - then he would be with you. Nothing would stop him

You’re worth more than him.