If you’re divorced & have DCs half the time - what does your boyfriend do...

[Holidaysareover]

...when you have your DCs?

Does it feel unequal?

He gets to go out for drinks, travel, see friends... I could get babysitter when I have my DCs but it hardly seems fair! We see my friends together or I seem to give up my time to be with him.

Should I carve out more “me alone” time?

It sometimes feels like I am being punished for having my DCs. He is barely home in the evenings when we are apart. How much is fair?

I have ASD so was happy in my bubble before this! I don’t know if I should try to match it or just leave it be, but it feels like there’s an inequality.

Yes there is an inequality because he doesn't have kids.
Maybe find a new partner who has kids if you need things to be equal?

He has kids, but they are grown up.

Life isn't fair. Your kids come first. What would happen if you had them ALL the time instead of just 50%? You'd have no "me alone" time. At least when you've got the DC and they're in bed, you're on your own (but it sounds as though you want bf at home with you). Do you know what you want, OP?

This is true, life’s not fair. I am 100% there for my DCs - and to be honest, I enjoy it. It’s great now it’s “us” time without ex-dh problems.

I’m not sure what I want. Good point. I wonder if it’s his way of making me want him around. He has driven the speed of the relationship and I keep pulling it back and slowing it down. Maybe I actually like it that he speeds it up, but my children must and will come first (he knows this and we made the agreement that all DCs will take priority).

I get it, OP, it’s hard. I have a bf and have the kids 60/40.

I like to see my bf as much as possible, but that leaves no time for friends.

So I carve out some bf days and see them then, sometimes I see friends when I have the dc. It’s sort of unsatisfactory. But that’s life.

However my bf isn’t off doing stuff when we’re not together. He had his dc too. So I guess it feels more equal.

The issue is how you want your life to be.

I have one child 100% and the other child 90% of the time
It does indeed limit your social life and I end up resenting spending the free parts on a man... but if you have yours 50% there is no reason why you can’t see your friends more and do your own thing!

I have kids. Dp has an adult son.

Yes things aren't equal. But fair an equal are the same thing.

I see my friends with my kids. I will also arrange to see then when I don't have the kids. All my child free time does not have to be spent with Dp.

Unfortunately, when you have kids. This is life.

Should I carve out more “me alone” time?

You have loads of me alone time when your kids are with their dad you choose to spend it with your boyfriend

My boyfriend and I live together I get loads of me time because I ask for it “I’m out on Wednesday I’ll try and get home before midnight” or “I am having a long bath on Saturday and want to watch with After so need the living room. can you see if x will go for a drink with you?”

If he won’t do anything with your kids / you don’t want him to as it’s too soon that’s fine.

You say you take him to see your friends but maybe you need to plan your social life more efficiently (see them for lunch and shopping, pop to his in the evening)

But ultimately if you spend every moment of your free time with him he will think “okay plan my social stuff on days when the kids are here”

If it feels unequal you should 100% change i but from what you wrote it looks like you’ve chosen this to same extent 🤷‍♀️

How much child free time do you have per week?

Thanks all for perspective! Yes, equal and fair are not the same thing, this is true. I don’t want to hinder his fun but clearly there is a balance.

It’s not the case that I choose to spend all my childfree time with him. I also work, sometimes antisocial hours, and I am doing a course. It is a juggle as to where I fit my friends in, but I’m keen to keep my things and my sense of identity, too.

He is happy to do stuff with my kids - loves it! - but I am keen to keep it slow for them. I don’t really want us to live together (yet) so we factor in travelling time. I’ve noticed that some friends I’ve started to see when I have my DCs, and that works ok. Was wondering if this was the norm for some.

This is very helpful. Yes, it’s about being included, to an extent, and about how to distribute that time. I was used to just doing my own thing, before, and not wondering what The Other was up to - not even with ex-h, as we lived in parallel for many years.

They’re not his kids. Why should he be expected to give up what he does in his spare time just because you have your own kids?

You say you don’t want to live together yet and you want to take things slow for your kids sake. Which is good. He spends time with your kids which is also good. So why is it ‘unfair’ or ‘unequal’ that he enjoys his free time?!

You sound quite controlling. You expect your boyfriend to do less fun stuff when you have your kids? How does that work?

It’s not about what is ‘fair.’ You have children to look after, he doesn’t. I’m not sure what you expect him to do.

I think because if the boot were on the other foot, he wouldn’t accept it. That’s why I was asking for perspective here. I’m not trying to control anything, I want to know what Is reasonable, and what others do. I don’t want him to give up his fun - not at all! But the fun is not really activities, more sitting in pubs rather than having any sense of any home life or space.

I suppose it’s also a conversation I need to have with him. He has asked for us to live together, but I can’t imagine wanting to be living with someone who is out having fun while I’m left playing house & home.

I’m thinking that maybe the solution is that I spend more of the time when I don’t have the children, away from him, and doing ‘free’ stuff, too. Invest less and be as free-spirited.

Although he likes doing stuff with my kids, it’s too early on and they don’t always want to do things with him and I am wary about him staying over when they are there, although he likes to do this. Maybe this will change in time but it’s a long journey yet. I wonder if I feel a bit rushed into this...

Kennycalmit I was thinking about this:

You say you don’t want to live together yet and you want to take things slow for your kids sake. Which is good. He spends time with your kids which is also good. So why is it ‘unfair’ or ‘unequal’ that he enjoys his free time?! confused

I think what irked me is that when I said I wasn’t sure about us living together yet, he said about one of his pub things “Why not, if you live alone?!” and suggested that some of his free-spiritedness (for want of a better term) is down to my not living with him. It’s like he is trying to punish me for saying no. In that regard, I feel like I am being controlled, rather than like the one who is being controlling.

No, if you live together and have made a family, I would expect him to spend time with you and your kids. Not going out every time the kids are there

But as it goes, you don't want him there, all the time, when you kids are.

His comment about it's what you do when you live on your own is fine. To me he is saying 'you are busy, so what if I go out, my other option is sitting at home on my own.'

You have take it personally and has a dig. He is saying that while he lives on his own, if you are busy, he will go out.......what's a wrong with that? You can't expect him to just stay in because you have your kids.

It sounds like you are a bit jealous and getting defensive.

I don’t think sitting in the pub is my idea of free spirited.

But it has highlighted a gulf between both your ideas of what people should do in their free time and that it may not be conducive to a happy home life. Frankly no, I wouldn’t want to live with a man who spent the days I had the kids in the pub, not because I expect him to spend it with me/kids but because I too would not want to be at home with all the wife Work while he was in the pub. If he would resent you for doing your own thing in your own time then it does sound like perhaps he has a view that men are superior to women in this way? That your time is for kids and him, and his time is his to do what he chooses and when. That’s up to him but I think you would have a battle on your hands. Don’t move in with him, simple!

My DP has children and i do not so i am on the opposite end.

I'm not sure what your point is apart from you sound Jealous that he is having fun without you. You have your DC, concentrate on them the days you have them not on what he is doing without you.

But the fun is not really activities, more sitting in pubs rather than having any sense of any home life or space

So what?! He doesn’t have the same responsibilities as you! You don’t even live together. What do you expect him to do? Sit at home by himself watching tv just because you’re at home in your house looking after your own kids?

Im not trying to control anything, I want to know what Is reasonable

Yes you are. You’re trying to control what this man does with his free time whilst you’re at home with your kids. You don’t like the fact he’s down the pub and wish he was at home. I don’t what for sure what is reasonable but I can tell you it’s unreasonable for you to expect your partner who doesn’t even live with you to be at home doing sod all just because you have to stay home and look after your kids

but I can’t imagine wanting to be living with someone who is out having fun while I’m left playing house & home

He’s only out having fun because he doesn’t have the responsibility of young children!!! Why can’t you grasp that?! Why shouldn’t he be out having fun? Just because you’re not out having fun it doesn’t mean he shouldn’t be

Although he likes doing stuff with my kids, it’s too early on and they don’t always want to do things with him and I am wary about him staying over when they are there, although he likes to do this. Maybe this will change in time but it’s a long journey yet. I wonder if I feel a bit rushed into this

Seriously OP get a grip of yourself. You have your young kids. He does yet, they’re all grown up. You don’t want to live with him yet and you don’t want him around your kids all the time (sensible) yet when you’re at your own home you expect him to cut down on his free time having fun simply because you aren’t able to have fun with him?

I think what irked me is that when I said I wasn’t sure about us living together yet, he said about one of his pub things “Why not, if you live alone?!” and suggested that some of his free-spiritedness (for want of a better term) is down to my not living with him. It’s like he is trying to punish me for saying no. In that regard, I feel like I am being controlled, rather than like the one who is being controlling

No OP he is not trying to control or punish you. I have no idea how you can translate those words of his into him trying to punish you. He is saying the exact truth - he is living alone with no partner and no kids. So why shouldn’t he go to the pub in that time? What gives you the right to decide him going to the pub in his own spare time is wrong?

Honestly, I think you will drive him away and to be honest I wouldn’t blame him for leaving. He is not the father of your children and you are not living together.
Whilst you are at home doing what every other mother does and looking after your kids, if he wants to go to the pub, library or wander the bloody streets in his free time is up to him. It is not for you to decide what he should/shouldn’t be doing simply because you aren’t able to do the same.

I would 100% walk away from you if this is how you felt. Why should he sit at home? You and your kids aren’t his responsibility..

Frankly no, I wouldn’t want to live with a man who spent the days I had the kids in the pub, not because I expect him to spend it with me/kids but because I too would not want to be at home with all the wife Work while he was in the pub.

But they don't live together and op doesn't want to yet. Are you saying he has to act like he will when/if they move in together? So spend evenings in on his own, because that's what he would do when they lived together?

Fuck that. My Dp works nights. We don't live together. We don't run our life like we do. I have tea on my own every night he works as he doesn't like a big meal before work and doesn't see the point in cooking for just him.

If we lived together either one of us would do tea for us all and he would just have a bit. But he doesn't cook tea for me and ds now, because he doesn't live here. When I cook tea, I don't make his.....because he doesn't live here.

PookieDo also, the only wife work there is done by the op......because she lives on her own. Who else is there?

She is looking at the possible future based on what he has said and is doing now. That’s the gist I get from what she is trying to say

I think the whole issue is complicated by hypothetical situations. No I wouldn’t be very happy to live with a man who did this if we lived together but it might not happen. Agree you can’t influence what he chooses to do when you live apart all you can do is communicate with each other before moving in and there expectations you have of one another

She is looking at the possible future based on what he has said and is doing now. That’s the gist I get from what she is trying to say

But you can't, because she doesn't want to move in or plan to at this point. If they were at that stage, I assume he would be more welcome to come spend the evening with her and the kids.

As it's stands the only acceptable thing he can do is stay in by himself. If my dp tried to make me feel like that, he could fuck off.

Op you sound like you resent having to look after your children on your own. I also think you sound slightly jelous of what your bf does with out you.

He doesn't live with you because you don't want him to so you expect him to sit at home idle to make you feel better about your home life situation.

I think you should go see a Councillor and speak your feelings through with someone

if the boot were on the other foot, he wouldn’t accept it

Well that does put a different perspective on it.