If you’re divorced & have DCs half the time - what does your boyfriend do...

[Holidaysareover]

...when you have your DCs?

Does it feel unequal?

He gets to go out for drinks, travel, see friends... I could get babysitter when I have my DCs but it hardly seems fair! We see my friends together or I seem to give up my time to be with him.

Should I carve out more “me alone” time?

It sometimes feels like I am being punished for having my DCs. He is barely home in the evenings when we are apart. How much is fair?

I have ASD so was happy in my bubble before this! I don’t know if I should try to match it or just leave it be, but it feels like there’s an inequality.

Thanks for opinions. We don’t live together because it is vvv early days. Ive only been seeing him since March. It’s not because I dont want to, but I’m concerned about making the same mistakes as I did in my marriage.

Yes, of course I am jealous of his liberty! On the other hand I love being alone with my kids. Maybe it’s the idea of us living together is too hypothetical to me right now. He has moved things on quite fast.

Thanks for opinions.

Yes exactly, Polka, he wouldn’t accept the converse. We have discussed it.

OP, you cannot control what he does when he isn't with you. He's a grown man. If he wants to go to the pub rather than sitting in his home alone, he can. If he wants to socialise with his mates on his own time, he can. Hell - if he wants to cover himself in jelly and sing the Russian national anthem while watching Antiques Roadshow and tickling a sloth....he can (and, let's face it, we've all been there).

In contrast...

If you want to stop him going out when he has free time because you aren't out and so "it isn't fair".....you can't.

If you want to police and control what he does on his own time, and who he is or isn't allowed to see...you can't.

If you want him to dedicate himself to you so completely that he isn't allowed his own life and interests....you can't.

Those actions are all about your own insecurity and jealousy. They are all signs of a toxic and controlling approach to relationships. If you think about moving in together, then talk about how you'd want that to work and how you'd want to spend your time.

But you don't live together right now. So stop trying to tell him what he can and can't do.

But they're not his kids, they're yours? And you don't even live together :/

Hi OP

You've not said how long your current relationship has been going on for.

It seems like you want him to step up and be a stepdad, but aren't offering him the commitment in your relationship to make that a reasonable request. It sounds like you are setting him up to fail here.

If you want him to be more involved with your children you will need to initiate the appropriate discussions and changes at first.

but I can’t imagine wanting to be living with someone who is out having fun while I’m left playing house & home

But... you’re not playing house and home? You’re literally caring for your (not his) children?

You're really mixed up!

You don't want him to live with you yet as that's moving to quickly, but you're not happy that he's off seeing friends and going out while you're home with YOUR kids?

What do you actually want, is he supposed to sit at home lonely and pining when he's not with you?

OP, I'm in a similar situation, except I have the kids 100% of the time. DP has a grown up son and has a very 'free' lifestyle during the week. He stays at weekends and we've been together 1.5 years.

I am a little jealous of all his free time, but he did his time, curtailing nights out and hobbies while his son was young. We check in by text maybe a couple of times a day, he's free to do as he wishes and I enjoy hearing about what he's been up to, when I see him.

He's also free to do as he pleases at weekends but he turns down invitations to reserve that time for us. He also babysits occasionally so I can enjoy time with my friends or go out with my teenager. His freedom has brought be benefits. It allows me to concentrate on my kids and he has the freedom and spare time to fit around it.

I'm not sure I see your point. Your kids are yoyr's and your ex's responsibility. There is no wife work for your DP to do, and no responsibility to your kids. Try to relax, if he's happy, shouldn't you be happy for him?

Thanks further. I think the point is that I am trying to visualise what our future would like like if we did live together. In no way do I want to dictate what he does/not, but I am interested in what he does choose to do.

My remark about “playing house and home” is about what this relationship might look like if we did move in together. Would I be left doing housey stuff while he continues with his free-er lifestyle? How to ensure parity is a difficult issue.

I like PP’s idea - maybe one way is to think that he has already paid his dues when his DCs were little. Of course, it’s not his fault that I have kids! Mine are not that young, so maybe my time will be different in a few years, too. We have a big age gap as well.

I think I am conflicted because of his views of ‘home’, too. He had a chaotic childhood with many moves & doesn’t have the same concept of creating a home life as I have. He is never home, never cooks, has no real routines, will make decisions on a whim. I’m not trying to stop this - he is who he is, and actually I enjoy these behaviours when we are together. The question for me is to consider what that would look like if I did accept his offer for us to buy somewhere together.

Ok. I think this has helped with my thinking. It’s very useful to reflect, and to work through why certain behaviours make me feel as they do. I now understand this better. It does seem that the best solution is to keep things as they are for now, with the acceptance that his life will have more freedom than mine, in the weeks when I have DCs... at least for now. We’ve only been together since March so a gradual approach to what he wants, which is to do things in a more blended way, is wise.

I’ve never had to think about this, it’s a new situation, so it has been helpful to hear different views. Thanks.

When my husband (grown up kids) is out with his friends in the pub (like last night) I don’t feel at all that he has it better than me, at home with my child. I love the time with my child!

I’m no martyr, and I plan time for me to see friends when she’s with her dad, or a babysitter, or my husband.

It’s not about being fair. My husband did his time with his late wife, of lacking “me time”.

But now that I don’t have my daughter every day, the ones that I do are me time - it’s what I want to do most.

Just go out with your friends on nights you would have spent with your boyfriend.

You d been together for only 8 months and you have kids.
Stop worrying about it!
That’s way too soon to move someone in with your kids anyway.

We don’t live together because it is vvv early days. Ive only been seeing him since March. It’s not because I dont want to, but I’m concerned about making the same mistakes as I did in my marriage.

It's to early to live together, it's too early for him to sit home alone in an attempt to prove to you he won't be out on an evening, if you did live together. He has to spend evenings alone in the hope you are impressed enough to live in with him.

You don't live together. You don't have plans to. You don't want him around the kids a lot. You don't want him as part of your family yet.

But you want him to pretend he is and do things like staying in, because that's what you would want if you lived together.

Honestly, you need to sort your head out.

If you do plan to love in together, that's when you discuss this. Your expectations, how he feels about those. THEN he starts going out less and spending more time with you and your kids, ready to move in.

He doesn't have to live like a man with young kids to impress you at this point.

Yes exactly, Polka, he wouldn’t accept the converse. We have discussed it.

He would have you going out with your friends? What the fuck are you doing with him then?

I don’t see why ensuring ‘parity’ is so important. That wouldn’t be possible (or fair) as you have small children to care for and he doesn’t.

Most threads on here from step-mums (it always seems to be the women) tend to be from those over involved in their DSS’ lives and having issues. The advice is almost always ‘start doing your own thing when he has the kids’ and let him deal with them. This makes perfect sense to me. Even if they lived together, why does OP’s bf have to sit at home with her when she has the kids? They are her responsibility. It’s pretty normal for him to have his own life and go to the pub on free nights. He may well find the relationship unequal as he is inconvenienced by your responsibilities half the available weekends and can’t make plans with his gf then. YABU.

He is never home, never cooks, has no real routines, will make decisions on a whim.

I think he has told you who he is OP. He is someone who gets bored easily, doesn't make an effort at 'home', doesn't actually value 'home'. Yes, he is free to go out whenever he wants. But even if I were free to go out whenever I wanted, I wouldn't go out ALL THE TIME. Most of my friends wouldn't either. I like quiet evenings at home, even if they are by myself. I suspect you do too. I think there is a deep incompatibility between you. His frenetic behaviour is fun in small doses, but I don't think it's compatible with a long term relationship.

Sorry buts that's incorrect.

When I don't have ds, I got out all over. But the I am quite happy sat in with Dp.

He is living life as a man with no young kids. Because that's what he is. If he doesn't want to cook he doesn't have to. If he wants to go to the pub, he can.

He isn't on a extended audition. If the op wants to see if he will be different when they are more committed she need to wait until she is happy for him to spend more time with the kids.

Then if he is still opting to go out every night, she may have a point. But right now she doesn't want hi with her and the kids but doesn't want him doing his own thing either.

Unless he sits in on his own, he can't win at all.

It gets worse the more I read your posts, OP.

You’ve been together 8 months!! If my partner who I’ve been with years tried telling me what I should or shouldn’t be doing whilst he’s at work I’d tell him to f.off

If a partner of 8 months tried telling me that I’d laugh at them and remove them from my life. You are quite clearly jealous and resentful of his ability to do whatever he likes in all his spare time. If you can’t handle that, then do him a favour and walk away.

If you lived together then things would be different I’m sure. But you don’t. At 8 months you’re still getting to know each other - you have no idea what he’d be like if you lived together but you’re giving him a bad impression of what you would be like living together by trying to dictate what he should/shouldn’t do when you’re looking after your kids.

But right now she doesn't want hi with her and the kids but doesn't want him doing his own thing either.

I get that you’re jealous OP, but would you really expect him to sit home alone because you’re looking after your kids?

You probably should look at compatibility though as if he never cooks/cleans etc now it’s very unlikely that he’d change if you did live together.

My house is clean and kind of tidy. I don't cook if I don't have the kids. Dp is the same. Only cooks if it's the 2 of us.

The op never said he didn't clean. She said he doesn't cook or have a routine. Because, at the moment he doesn't need to.

Maybe he doesn't like being in his house alone, especially if he has been used to family life and a busy household he doesn't want to sit in by himself on the days you have DC.

He might feel that he has raised his DC and would like some 'me time' which should be of his choosing and not judged.

I do like being by myself and relish the time i have away from DP when he has DC. It's my 'me' time and i don't feel i should explain myself to DP. If my DP voiced concern about that after 8 mths, i would be waving bye bye.

I have been with my boyfriend/partner (not sure what the correct term is on mumsnet!) for just under 3 years. We don’t live together. I have a DS (6) who stays with his dad three days a week. My partner has met my son ect and they get on very well but I tend to keep the time I spend with them both quite separate. I usually go to my partners the days I don’t have my son but not always.

My partner does what he wants when we are not together. He is quite outdoorsy so will sometimes go hill walking or climbing or go to visit his family or go camping ect. Sometimes he will be working. I don’t always really know what he is doing to be honest and I don’t really care, I don’t have much time to think about it really! We will usually text or call at some point in the day.

If I want to make arrangements with friends ect, I do unless we have specific plans. As a previous poster said, sometimes I will go for lunch or dinner with friends then go to his afterwards.

Even if we choose to live together further down the line, I would still expect him to do his own thing, as would I. Fair enough, it might be an issue if he was out at the pub every night and coming home drunk but hes not that kind of man. Plus I quite appreciate having some time to myself when DS is in bed!

I think you are massively overthinking things and possibly being a bit needy. The things you are talking about are a complete non issue (to me anyway) and you could end up driving him away by coming across as controlling.