Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex-H wanting to receive a written statement about child's education

36 replies

Scorpio2410 · 08/11/2018 22:45

Hi! I would like to know your opinion on what would you do in this case, please...

My husband (soon to be ex, thanks to the Court), does not agree with our daughter attending an alternative school (which happens to be private), because he states that he's already paying taxes for having her educated for free in a public school. So, he's not paying a single penny for her education and has said a hundred times that even if he could, he wouldn't pay anyway.
I am a teacher in the same school where she is attending and I'm receiving staff discount. She lives with me and he doesn't help with any school runs. For me it's more convenient and easier having her there, in the same place where I'm working and not rushing from one place to another (in public transportation) to drops in or picks up.
However, he is pushing and hardly insisting in knowing what's my current plan to fund her education, even though he is not going to pay for it. He wants me to write and sign a letter explaining what's my plan for the short, med and long term. He argues that as the father of the child, he deserves to know. The truth is that I'm not hiding anything, I have explained to him what my thoughts are, but he is not happy with the verbal answer... he wants the bloody letter!
I think he just wants to keep controlling me.

Thanks for your comments!

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 08/11/2018 22:46

If he's not paying for it, it's none of his business. Tell him to sod off.

Annandale · 08/11/2018 22:48

I think putting things in writing is never a bad idea, but i'm guessing you're not in the UK so i would get legal advice.

lifebegins50 · 08/11/2018 22:50

It could be that both parents have to sign a contract so that you are jointly liable and he is looking for proof of your commitment should you decide you can't fund it.

A court could ask that he pays if your dd is in a critical year of education and you can't afford to continue due to job loss or health etc.

How old is your dd?

SandyY2K · 08/11/2018 22:52

I'd ignore him. He's not paying. You aren't forcing him to pay.

He's not objecting on any grounds other than finances and as that's not his problen.... I can't understand his need for a written statement.

I'd tell him (Not write) that as he knows you work in the school and can get a staff discount and you will find a way to pay her school fees. End of

If he decides to text or write after that...refer him to your conversation on X date at X time.

Ignore anything after that on the same point.

CottonTailRabbit · 08/11/2018 22:56

Ignore. How is he pushing hard? Sounds like you give him too much access to your ears. Tell him to get his solicitor to write to your solicitor about it. His solicitor will tell him it is stupid. If he persists then your solicitor can tell him it is stupid. No matter what, stop listening to his hard talk and stop answering such questions even verbally.

Longdistance · 08/11/2018 22:57

I work in a private school. Does he receive reports? Does he have PR?

Original poster
Scorpio2410 · 08/11/2018 23:22

Annandale: I am in the UK... I have asked a family lawyer and the answer was that I can do with the money whatever I think it's best for my child. He also looked for legal advice and they told him that he has the rights to know, even though he is not paying for this.
Thanks!

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorpio2410 · 08/11/2018 23:25

lifebegins50: Yes, probably this could be an answer for this nonsense demand. Thanks for your comment.

My dd is 4 years old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorpio2410 · 08/11/2018 23:26

SandyY2K: Thanks for your suggestion! I appreciate it!

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorpio2410 · 08/11/2018 23:29

CottonTailRabbit: Thanks for your comment! I also think I'm giving too much access to my mental sanity... I agree with you: this is stupid!

OP posts:
Changedname3456 · 08/11/2018 23:31

I suppose he’d have somewhat more of a point if he had a moral objection to a public school education.

If he’s got PR then he is entitled to have an input into the choices made about DC’s schooling. Public schools don’t necessarily provide a better standard of teaching than local State funded choices, and in some cases offer a significantly poorer one.

From what you’ve said, though, I assume this is more about you not being in a position to demand school fees from him sometime down the line. Perhaps he’s thinking about a future situation like if you were to no longer work for that school (but wanted DC to continue there) or if you couldn’t afford them on your own, even with the discount.

Original poster
Scorpio2410 · 08/11/2018 23:33

Longdistance: Thanks for your comment. No, he doesn't receive reports, even though he receives general emails, such as invitations to workshops or talks.

OP posts:
PersonaNonGarter · 08/11/2018 23:34

This is about control. Ignore.

AdventuringThroughLife · 08/11/2018 23:36

Isnt it normal for the other parent to receive copies of reports/invitations to parents evenings. It certainly is here.

Also it depends what sort of alternative. If my partner wanted my child "educated" in a Steiner school or similar where they often done learn to read and write until 7+ I would ve concerned too.

Do you share care? Why wouldn't you want a child's dad to know how they are doing?

Original poster
Scorpio2410 · 08/11/2018 23:44

Changedname3456: Thanks for your comment. Well, in a perfect world, I would prefer him to pay at least the half of the school fees. But, since he doesn't agree with this and bearing in mind I'm working in the school, I have decided not to consider the public school option. It's a matter of convenience and (I have to be honest) also because I resonate with the philosophy of the school.

Yes, I think his reason could be to protect himself in case I can not afford the school on my own anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Scorpio2410 · 08/11/2018 23:51

AdventuringThroughLife: Thanks for your reply! It's not a matter of not wanting to let him know. As I explained before, I have told him, but he wants my written answer, as he is not satisfied with the verbal one.

No, I'm the primary carer... he sees her sometimes once a week (on weekends).

OP posts:
SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 09/11/2018 00:10

I've changed my mind on this one as I've thought about it.

My initial response is that he doesn't need to know, as you'll be paying rather than him. But, reflecting some more, I think it actually is reasonable for him to awesome sort of assurance that he won't ultimately find himself liable for some very substantial costs that he doesn't believe are necessary. Since you both have PR, you have equal say in decisions about schooling, and - since he doesn't believe the private school is needed - it's not unreasonable for him to want to be sure that a decision to go along with the education you want for your child isn't going to result in him footing the bill.

I don't think he needs a blow by blow account of your finances to have that assurance - that wouldn't be reasonable. A high level description of what you're intending, and an assurance that he will not need to pay, should give him the protection he's looking for.

You say you've already given him this orally, but I'm sure you'll understand that this wouldn't be worth the paper it isn't written on if you later changed that view. Since you've made plans, and are committed to funding this yourself, I'm not entirely sure why you wouldn't write down what you've already told him - unless it is to keep your options open later?

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 09/11/2018 00:13

Not sure how the word "want" became "awesome" in that, but you probably got the gist! 🙂

Longdistance · 09/11/2018 01:02

Sorry I wasn’t clear earlier.

If your dh has PR then he I’d entitled to have a copy of your dds reports, regardless is you or he are paying.

I work in a private school, but do not get involved in financials. If a report is due out, I will send the ‘separated’ parents a copy of the report if he/ she is paying, it won’t make a difference 🤷🏼‍♀️

Longdistance · 09/11/2018 01:03

Sorry, should say if you ex has...

flumpybear · 09/11/2018 01:15

What do you mean by alternative school? This would trouble me as a parent?!

SandyY2K · 09/11/2018 01:35

I don't think the issue is getting school reports. He wants a written letter regarding you financing her education.

I assume he pays child support?
He sounds controlling. Seems part of why he's an Ex...as you say he wants to keep controlling you.

He sees her once a week on weekends sometimes. Jes hardly dad if the year is he.

This is about him...his fear you'll ask for money for fees... certainly not concern regarding DDs education.

Alfie190 · 09/11/2018 01:55

I think it sounds like a reasnable request. OP you are the one that sounds controlling to me by not letting him have a say in education and sending her to an “alternetive” school, whatever that means.

fuzzywuzzy · 09/11/2018 02:08

Have your asked your solicitor if you legally have to write him a letter starting your current and long term education decisions for your dd?

Is your choice of schooling particularly unusual?

I’d seek legal advice if your solicitor doesn’t think your stbxh has any legal basis for such a letter I’d totally ignore him.

If your dd already attends the school, I don’t see why a court would disrupt that if order you to stop sending your dc to get regular school. Unless he presents a very good reason

motherlondon · 09/11/2018 02:17

God he sounds like my ex, still trying to control control control.

I'd be asking him for a statement in writing of what drop offs and pick ups he is going to do if your daughter goes to another school and also that he pays half of the before and after school care that will be needed considering you will need to be at your workplace.