Ex-H wanting to receive a written statement about child's education

[Scorpio2410]

Hi! I would like to know your opinion on what would you do in this case, please...

My husband (soon to be ex, thanks to the Court), does not agree with our daughter attending an alternative school (which happens to be private), because he states that he's already paying taxes for having her educated for free in a public school. So, he's not paying a single penny for her education and has said a hundred times that even if he could, he wouldn't pay anyway.
I am a teacher in the same school where she is attending and I'm receiving staff discount. She lives with me and he doesn't help with any school runs. For me it's more convenient and easier having her there, in the same place where I'm working and not rushing from one place to another (in public transportation) to drops in or picks up.
However, he is pushing and hardly insisting in knowing what's my current plan to fund her education, even though he is not going to pay for it. He wants me to write and sign a letter explaining what's my plan for the short, med and long term. He argues that as the father of the child, he deserves to know. The truth is that I'm not hiding anything, I have explained to him what my thoughts are, but he is not happy with the verbal answer... he wants the bloody letter!
I think he just wants to keep controlling me.

Thanks for your comments!

For those who say he sounds controlling, can I ask you a question?

The average cost of a private school is now £17,000 per year. With 7 years of primary school, that's a total bill (at average prices) of £119,000. A private secondary would add another another £119,000 - a total of £238,000.

Let's assume the OP is paying far less than that, given that this is an overall average and primary schools tend to be at the cheaper emd of the range, plus she gets a discount. So, maybe £5,000 a year. That's still £35,000 for a private primary education in this "alternative" school, that the father doesnt think is necessary. And which, if it's a Steiner school, most people would actively oppose on principle.

If you were in his shoes, would you not want some sort of assurances that you won't find yourself facing a bill of anywhere from £35k to over £200k, before you sign the admissions paperwork? And wouldn't you be a little nervous if your ex told you she'd definitely pay, but then refused to put that in writing? It's not controlling - it's common sense to want that assurance.

None of that is saying he's father of the year - he clearly isn't, given his low level of involvement with his daughter. But this isn't about that.

So, what do you reckon? Your ex wants you to sign paperwork for something that carries a bill that could ultimately exceed £200k. They say you won't have to pay. But they're refusing to put that in writing. Do you sign? Or do you decide to be "controlling", and ask for a letter?

Tell him you want to see a letter from his solicitor stating that you are legally obliged to set out your plans to pay for your daughter’s education to him in writing. Play him at his own game.

Dear All,

Thanks for all your comments. I appreciate having different perspectives, as it helps me to look at the situation from a wider angle.
I have now collected enough information to be clearer on what to do, in order to reduce my anxiety levels on one side and to improve my co-parenting relationship with him on the other side.

Tell him that you're delighted that he's finally shown an interest in his child's education. Tell him that it's best if he comes to the school and sees for himself and speaks to the staff, sees the children himself. If he doesn't agree with it then ask him to write a written report indicating why and the alternatives including if course him being available to transport his child to and from his alternative school etc. Beat him at his own game and let him worry about the time and money it will cost for her to go to another school. Twat.

Do the school's terms and conditions state that he is jointly liable for the fees?

If so, then yes he's entitled to the information, if not, then he isn't.

adventuring in a lot of countries children don’t even start school til they’re 7. I do have a lot of issues with Steiner education (I love the creative/practical side of it though) my mum and her siblings were all Steiner educated and can barely do basic maths. BUT learning to read and write at 7 is definitely not one of the actual issues with it IMO.

Whilst it’s annoying I’d just give him a letter with a basic outline of what he wants to know and leave it at that, then if he wants to kick up a fuss later on at least you can prove you were cooperating

Is there any way you could put into writing that, whatever happens, you will not make him liable for the fees?

If you leave the job for any reason, can you still pay the fees? Could your child find herself being transfered to a non paying school at any point?
I would also want to know if I was the OH, as it is probably better to start the school as you mean to go on, rather than being moved FROM private.

I’d ask him to write a written report indicating the alternative schooling including if course him being available to transport his child to and from his alternative school etc, which days , uniform and trip funding commitments etc. If he can do this I’d happily send something saying I’ll fund dds educational at school x, I don’t expect contributions to school fees. The usual parental contributions to the occasional trip or uniform would of course still apply just as if she were at government school.

I disagree with quite a few PPs.

Presumably ExH was involved in deciding about DD's education - or he took no interest and abdicated it all to OP . He's left and has now realised he could be stuck with contributing toward school fees being part of maintenance. ... Answer is Yes they will be.

If school is right for DD and you are paying fees (+ you take her daily to from school and she is being educated there ), then yes it's part of Form E in your expenses for application to court for maintenance if that's the route you are going.

That'll be your written statement. She goes to school at X Academy and it costs £X per year. (His half share is .... but it is included in maintanence)

If he wants details of her education programme, absolutely he can have those, as he has PR. He just needs to send school his contact details as her parent Tell him to fill his boots ( I wouldn't be signing anything stating I alone am liable for her education fees as that's simply isn't true- she's his child too)

Her school can post/ provide usual end of /mid year reports and invite him to parents evening. You don't provide these! (Even if you are a teacher, you're not her teacher !!) That's if he provides them his contact details.

At the end of the day, if your XH wants to challenege how your DD is educated, as the cost bothers him, he can take it to court. You could choose to send her to local state school, but if there's a case not to, then that's your argument. There's also the argument if case for her attending that particular school, which includes that you can get her there without having to pay wrap around childcare (which also has a cost, which you add up too as a less favoured alternative ).

Then it'll be about what your DD wants and Judge listening to both of you. Two different types of court case each of which your Ex H can bring and may or may not win. But the 'going to state school' isn't free as for e.g. wrap around care is approximately £300 + month.

Can you write a quick email (bullet point form bs loads of paragraphs!), with a few on whatever you’ve discussed by phone then your vague plan for the future

ie as we’ve discussed previously, xxxx. You have now requested a written documentation of my plan for dds education so please find below the notes from our discussions to date.

There are 3 key reasons why dd is currently attending x school, which is where I currently am employed in the position of x.

To summarize these 3 reasons:
A. as I have a position at x school we are able to take advantage of the teachers children’s reduced fee, which brings the school fees financially within reach for me
B. Logistics / travel and weekday wrap around childcare needs As I am dds primary caretaker, and look after her on all weekdays it helps that ...,

C. Ethos of the school ... ONLY if you want to get into this and it’s not a horrible issue between you two!!!

If the circumstances change, then we will need to review dds attendance at X school, as the full costs are prohibitively expensive... etc etc etc?

Anyway, something like this? I’d keep it very short though, although refer to previous discussions / the existence of previous discussions where you can.

You need to thread a fine line between reassuring him but also making it clear you don’t have to answer to him as you are co-parenting vs him giving orders from afar whilst you do all the grunt work!

I’d think hard about wording the ‘future’ bit of the Mail, as I’m not sure that you do want to write something that he can hold you to legally, absolving him of any responsibility of paying for his own daughters education. You don’t know how it could be used in the future, or applied to different circumstances.

I’d hold off anything as completely cast iron as ‘ I will not hold you financially responsible for dd’s school fees should this situation arise’, and go for something much vaguer.