Tell it to me straight - how little of a chance do I have of meeting someone?

[wondering1101]

Hi

Am 49 with three dcs all at secondary school, and almost divorced - ex moved out in April.

The second half of my marriage was difficult and ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. Not all the time but enough to have me walking on eggshells.

The worst thing about my marriage was probably the fact that he used to ostracise me for weeks and weeks at a time, if he felt that my reaction to something (that he had said or done) was over the top.

In the end I had to get divorced because the situation was untenable - but for years I put it off because I was scared of the whole process.

The divorce was traumatic, but things have settled down a bit and it feels great to be away from the criticism and feeling of being disliked.

However - I now realise that for years I was so lonely - I did realise at the time because for years I have been posting threads about how little kindness and affection ex showed me - but it is only now that I realise how much damage the whole thing has done me.

And one of the things I am having to deal with is the fact that for so many years I yearned for his love, but now I am almost 50, and no one (on my packed commute) gives me a second glance.

So I wasted so much time on someone who did not give a shit, and now that I am free, it feels like it is too late.

Plus I was with ex for 22 years (23 if you include this past year of us still being married but not together) and he is my first and only partner.

If someone told me that actually there was no chance - I could at least accept it or work towards accepting it.

Plus, it feels like the only person I will ever want is my ex . Everyone else (on my commute ) looks strange and alien.

Ok forget looking for someone, enjoy your single life.
Your children are probably more independent so get some hobbies, join a club, do some courses.
I honestly felt more lonely in a bad relationship than I do now having been single for 6 years.
I did 4 courses, have a small business as a result & feel way more confident
I might meet someone, I might not but I don’t care that much as I enjoy my life.
You aren’t old, you may meet someone but get to know, like & love yourself x

Give yourself time to get over your previous marriage. After a couple of years, (following nasty divorce after long marriage) I was ready to date again. Met now DH at 52, married at 56. When I got divorced I realised that I may never meet someone, but the marriage was so bad in the end that being alone forever was preferable. Good luck

So, not too late. And I was older than you and a bit fat :)

Ha SpongeBob - I think I might be a bit fat too .

Thanks for the messages. I know I might never meet someone, and that this time is my time to get myself together again. I do appreciate how lucky I am in so many ways. I also wouldn’t want to rush into another relationship which ended up mirroring the one I have come out of.

However I feel “outside life” - i think it comes from so many years of not having been wanted by ex, and now it feels that I am permanently “unwantable”, also because there a lot of younger people around.

Why would anyone want me when there are so many younger and more attractive people around?

There are younger people around, but there are a few blokes who are second time arounding, who dont want/dont believe they can get the young ones, and want someone sensible with who they share cultural references. Especially if theyre a bit chubby too sorry DH, you know its true

I ran into an old school friend in the Tesco wine aisle. Been together 6 months. Best relationship I’ve ever had, respectful, loving and with enough space. Also mid forties and a bit squidgy, one dd and some shorty relationships in my past.

I’ve been single off and on for 5 years.

I am in a similar position. I don't crave a partner any more as I don't have the primordial need to reproduce as that is now impossible. I would like a bit more company sometimes but I am quite enjoying 'growing into my own skin'. I also enjoy the company of my Dcs. Wondering stop worrying and give yourself some breathing space.

OP once you get to middle age, no one is “eye up a stranger on a train” attractive any more. We’re all a bit chubby, wrinkley, grey haired, bald, tired etc. It doesn’t mean you can’t meet someone, find them attractive, have fun, fall in love and all that.

And whilst there are plenty of middled aged men who insist in chasing after women half their age, there are also plenty who want to meet someone their age, with similar experiences and ideas.

Dating and falling in love in your 50s still happens, it’s just different from your 20s

A friend of mine had an awful time with men all her life, which stemmed from her unhappy marriage. She got divorced but the marriage had knocked her confidence so much she ended up getting involved with men who invariably treated her badly. She was in her early sixties (and a bit wrinkled and chubby, as many of us are once we're over a certain age) when she finally met a guy who worshipped her and stayed right by her side until her dying day (RIP, my good friend). The last ten years of her life were very happy. She finally found a loyal guy who loved her to bits and would go to the ends of the earth for her.

My former boss also met her partner in her early 60s and they are now living together.

I also worked with a large lady in her 40s who would not have been eyed up by "most men" - but she married a lovely guy she met online and they are happily married 15 years later.

Another woman I know met her DH when she was 59.
It's never too late!

You don't need lots of guys to be interested in you - only one.

Forty-nine is not old - I think you're scared because you were in a long relationship but don't worry - it's really not over yet!

Thanks for your messages .

In general I just feel so unwanted - it’s a bit of a downer. I guess lots of people feel like me and I should get over myself!

I also feel cheated by ex - for so many years he had me believing I was lacking, and a. I wasn’t - b. I was more attractive than I am now, and now I feel as if I am on the rubbish heap romance wise.

I know people aren’t going to eye me up - nor do I feel like that about anyone either - it all feels so tedious and utilitarian - but where am I going to meet people? My life is go to work, get very tired, deal with stroppy teenagers whom I love but who are draining, try to avoid ever coming across ex, unsuccessfully try to keep the house tidy, worry about finances, rinse and repeat.

Forty-nine is not old - I think you're scared because you were in a long relationship but don't worry - it's really not over yet!

Yes - I am scared.

OP, it's just a process you have to go through. It is shit, yes, but you will come out of it at the other side .

Years ago, when I was struggling with depression and anxiety, and grief, I read a book that helped me a lot. It taught me that personal growth is what we are going through in times of difficulty. But no one wants to go through it because it feels so awful - they want to get rid of it as quickly as possible, like a bag full of smelly garbage!

But enduring it, going through the process is what's good for us. It just doesn't feel good - it feels terrible! All change is painful but change is often what brings most progress in our lives. Your personal growth is on fast forward now. You are learning so many important lessons and through your suffering you're becoming a stronger and better person.
In this book, it said that when you're in emotional pain, "important growth work is taking place".

If you think about it, when life goes well and we're happy, we don't grow at all. We just have a nice time and don't think about it. It's only through failure and loss that we begin to question ourselves, our methods and motives. We try to work out how and why we went wrong. And we question our whole life and take stock of everything.

Please don't panic about the men thing. I honestly believe that women are conditioned to think they're nothing without a man. I have worried I won't meet anyone again and then I think, why? The people I love the most in the world are my sisters and my nieces and nephews - and when I am with them I don't need any man. I have all the love, laughter, friendship and bliss I could ever wish for in this lifetime.

Then I have my friends and hobbies, and interesting work. I can have a ball, all without a man. If I ever feel lonely, I join a group or take a class or try a new hobby. You can do it.

The worst time to meet a man is when you're at a low ebb and looking to run away from pain. I'm living proof of that! I went from one disastrous relationship to the next, all in an attempt to run away from the emotional pain and loss of the previous failed relationship. I was way too needy and desperate and my judgment was seriously skewed, hence I would end up jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

I was like you - I felt bereft, unloved, unwanted and lonely. They are normal feelings that unfortunately have to be worked through, and it takes time. You will come out at the other side. The Buddhists have a saying - I can't remember it exactly - but it's along the lines of : what you're going through is like an extreme weather event - it is horrible and you feel out of control, but it won't last forever. "This too shall pass". Hang in there. Read some Barbara De Angelis.

You can be happy without a man. We're just conditioned to think that we can't be.

@northernlights0710

Thanks fir your kind message. Already I feel better than I did 6 months ago, so hopefully the next 6 months will bring more changes.

It’s not that I need a man - it’s just that I feel cheated - wrongly or rightly - out of that side of life. For so many years I craved his affection and thought it would come if only I was tidier etc... instead it never came and he got together with someone else as soon as it was clear that we weren’t staying together, but while we were still sharing the same house (for many excruciating months).

So he had me believe that I was crap, and now it’s too late - that’s how I feel anyway...

If and it's a big if you feel you need/want a guy in your life, please remember it's like house viewing, you can look at 35 to find just one that feels like home. It doesn't matter if 35 out of 36 guys don't interest you or you don't fancy them, it takes just 1, but you have to be open to meeting that 1, and online dating isn't always the only wAy either . Make yourself the best version of you that you can, be well read, open to new things, cheerful, accept lots of invites or engineer invites. I am 56 , still married but lots of guys my own age and a bit younger I know from experience would ask me out if I was in that position (and I'm not miss world) . Whether I am interested in them would be another thing altogether!!

I know it’s a cliche but you need to focus on enjoying your life, spending time doing what you enjoy and meeting a wide range of friends. I am 60 and have discovered lots of new interests in recent years and met lots of lovely people, both men and women.

Yes - the best version of myself - I will try anyway!

It’s really not that I am desperate - the second half of my marriage and my awful divorce have taught me how to be completely emotionally independent (though luckily I have close family who helped me through my divorce) as in a sense I have been alone for years - but I feel an awful sense of loss .

Desperate for a man I mean - I wouldn’t even know how to go about any of it...

OP I left a long term relationship feeling like this. 3 years later I feel recovered, confident and happy. I’ve had a couple of short term dalliances but nothing serious. Whilst I’m probably in the right headspace to spot red flags and weed out bad partner choices, I also feel a bit ambivalent about wanting a partner. I hope this means that if I do meet somebody he will be worth it. If not I’m happy on my own. Never more so in fact. Give yourself time, there’s no rush

What you're feeling is actually grief and coming to terms with the end of your relationship, rather than the longing for someone new. As evidenced by your saying you only want your ex. You obviously - understandably - have a lot of sadness about the relationship and how it affected you. It might be worth getting some therapy just to have a pace to really feel all of that yet be supported so you're not alone as you feel the pain and rejection of what happened. It's still very recently that you split as well so go easy on yourself.

Eventually you will get out there, and it's definitely not too late. But allow yourself to really feel the sadness and go through it, rather than trying to shortcut round the pain. x

Ok somewhere out there is a 50-60 year old man (or 30-40 who knows!) who has also been in a 30 year marriage and just come out of it, feels a bit shit, no longer as fit and hot as he was in his 20s. A bit poor through maintaince and a bit scared of women who might hurt him - you have to find this guy and get cracking together!
Imagine what you want - where does this person hang out?? You aren’t easily going to find the person you want on a train. Join male orientated hobbies - take up golf!!!!

Ps would second having a bout of counselling

Take up male oriented hobbies eg golfing ( the last thing a man is looking for when he golfs is a woman ) - here's a better idea - look at what's available in your area on the Meet Up website and you can go to what takes your fancy - anything from walking to whatever and you can meet males and females . These activities are often " age grouped " too. When and if you are ever ready then you could try OLD . As someone else said it only takes that one and yes there are men in the same position as you too . I would also advocate the counselling if you can access it .

wondering I'm just at the start of the divorce process from a man who sounds much like your stbx. The effect of living with someone who claims to love you but doesn't seem to like you and the endless criticism really takes its toll on your self-esteem. I am scared of being alone forever but also know that I'd rather be lonely than walk on eggshells forever. I do swing between relief, fear of the future and grief for the loss of our family life. I think it's hard to have lost the security even though it came at such a cost.

Golf is a great way to meet men! Precisely because it is a male domain and women are sparse and people aren’t there to date!