Tell it to me straight - how little of a chance do I have of meeting someone?

[wondering1101]

Hi

Am 49 with three dcs all at secondary school, and almost divorced - ex moved out in April.

The second half of my marriage was difficult and ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. Not all the time but enough to have me walking on eggshells.

The worst thing about my marriage was probably the fact that he used to ostracise me for weeks and weeks at a time, if he felt that my reaction to something (that he had said or done) was over the top.

In the end I had to get divorced because the situation was untenable - but for years I put it off because I was scared of the whole process.

The divorce was traumatic, but things have settled down a bit and it feels great to be away from the criticism and feeling of being disliked.

However - I now realise that for years I was so lonely - I did realise at the time because for years I have been posting threads about how little kindness and affection ex showed me - but it is only now that I realise how much damage the whole thing has done me.

And one of the things I am having to deal with is the fact that for so many years I yearned for his love, but now I am almost 50, and no one (on my packed commute) gives me a second glance.

So I wasted so much time on someone who did not give a shit, and now that I am free, it feels like it is too late.

Plus I was with ex for 22 years (23 if you include this past year of us still being married but not together) and he is my first and only partner.

If someone told me that actually there was no chance - I could at least accept it or work towards accepting it.

Plus, it feels like the only person I will ever want is my ex . Everyone else (on my commute ) looks strange and alien.

Thanks for all your kind messages.

Yes I think it is grief, and I do sometimes think that I must find someone to talk to about it. I was seeing a counsellor for a few months while ex and I were separating but living in the same house - but then stopped because while the counsellor was very nice, I don’t think he really understood. I am definitely going to look into finding someone who might understand the long term dynamics between ex and I.

@PhillyJoe I am sorry you are also going through a divorce . I really understand your fear. I wish you strength and peace of mind .

Thank you wondering. I think counselling is a good idea. My STBX and I had one session at Relate and I really liked the counsellor so I think I'll go back to see her. I hope you find someone good

Counselling is excellent! You do have to find someone you like, though, and click with. Have a look round and don't give up straight away if the first one is no good.

Your "it all feels so tedious and utilitarian" makes me think you're a bit depressed - that feeling of everything being really flat and exhausting just to think about is quite typical. You could probably do with some help getting out of that. Have you chatted to your GP?

Also, let me just give you a kick up the arse, if I may be so bold :)
You've been without a decent partner for a long time. This is not the time to be thinking your love life has ended. That thought has been outdated since April. Your love life is now just starting again! It was lifeless and dull, with no prospect of change. Now the future is unknown and exciting, with all kinds of potential. You might meet anyone! You might meet the love of your life. You might have ten one-night stands in a row. You aren't looking for a suitable husband for future children, you don't have to move in quickly and save up so as to start a family, so you can choose all sorts of unsuitable men if you so desire, and spend all your money and time with them on holidays, cake and booze. For example. What man would not want to be with you, when you have that to offer?!

Step one in your new love life is to fall in love again for the first time, with yourself. You need to be a lot nicer to yourself. Either go to the gym and make yourself all slinky looking or stop whinging about the way you look, get a nice boob-enhancing dress and embrace your curves. Anything else is just pointless self-flagellation.

I'm 49 and wasted lots of time on a person who gave zero shits too. I am a naturally miserable person who doesn't make friends easily. Potential boyfriends here speak my second language so I can't impress anyone with witty comments. My ex was also my only partner so I was nervous about sex. I've had 2 partners since, have learned a lot about myself and men (met very different types through OLD), and this feels like the adolescence I missed.

Telling it straight, I hope you can climb up out of that hole, get your spark back and have some fun!

@ravenmum I love your post! Thank you.

Telling it straight, I hope you can climb up out of that hole, get your spark back and have some fun!

Yes, thanks for your message @ravenmum.

I think part of feeling down is the residual guilt about it all - I initiated the divorce and for good reason, but I am therefore at the root of all the change we have all been through.

I haven’t been to the GP but then I don’t feel so awful - just flat I suppose.

The thing about dating (apart from the fact that I cannot imagine it at all) is that the dc take up all of my time. For the moment they don’t spend overnights with their Dad - as he is not somewhere they could stay.

It’s not the overweight thing - I could lose half a stone ish I suppose - it’s just feeling as if there are no romantic possibilities for me. Or if there are they’ll be with someone who is much older than me, as the men my age want 30 to 40 year olds?

Anyway, I realise every day how lucky I am and this all feels self indulgent so yeah - sorry 😊.

I totally take people’s point about enjoying my own life, and that’s what maybe I can start doing now - as the dust settles.

From my experiences with OLD (other options available), there are some men who claim to be looking for anyone between the ages of 18 and 45 (they are then 55), and then there are just normal men wanting someone around their age. Being creeped out by the first type I just go for the second :)

I've done a couple of bouts of OLD at 46 and 48 and there were plenty of men I was interested in tbh. A friend of mine is 46 and she's currently got two boyfriends at once, one aged 39 and the other 35 :)

Your children are in secondary school, so they'll soon be able to fend for themselves a few evenings a week. My son was 15 when I started dating, it was not difficult practically and we worked through it all emotionally. Get them on some cooking courses! You're just in the habit of doing stuff for them as you're still in full wife mode ...

That flatness really can be a sign of at least mild depression - not feeling any feeling at all, just feeling tired. Watch out for it, have a chat to the GP if you don't seem to be feeling you.

And btw don't feel guilty about change. You know there was good reason. In my case I guess my ex initiated it, by having an affair, but I don't blame him for us splitting up and our lives changing. I blame him for not splitting up before he started a new relationship, that's all. Life is all about change.

I feel like this and I'm 38.