What would you say is wrong with this person?

[BadgersBiggestFan]

Am interested to hear people’s opinion on an ex of mine who I have finally managed to get over.

A few of the things he would do:

1. Write me poetry and even a song one day but act as if he hated me the next.

1. Refused to apologise for ANYTHING. Absolutely everything was my fault and anything he did that I disagreed with and brought up in a perfectly civil way he would go to great lengths to think of a time I did something exactly the same and turn it around on me.

1. If we were texting and I was busy doing something and couldn’t reply straight away he would make sure and leave it as long as possible to reply to the next message I sent as revenge.

1. Everything was on his terms ... when he saw me, when we spoke on the phone, when we texted etc.

1. Would be too busy to see me but then would decide we were having an elaborate surprise day out and turn up without even telling me in advance.

Do you think he is ill?

No. He sounds like a dick. I suppose he could be ill. But what does it matter, he is your ex. What difference would it make?

Stop assessing him. You aren't over him if you are still wondering and going over and over his behaviour.

I disagree @notacluewhatthisis - I am over him but I am sitting here wondering why on Earth I put up with that for so long and how I could have felt so strongly for him when he treated me that way. Hindsight is a funny thing!

abusive covers it

Totally batshit? Or incredibly, excessively insecure leading him to controlling, attention seeking behaviour?

Either way, best out of it!

Chronic arseholic.

I am definitely best out if it. I honestly thought I couldn’t live without him and we’d go round in circles over and over again of breaking up then starting things again. I wish I could go back and shake myself, I wasted nearly 5 years of my life.

If like to know what was wrong with your ex too. My stbxh behaves exactly the same.

I'd spend more time looking at why YOU put up with it than why he did it. You don't know why he did it so his why doesn't affect why you accepted it.

He is a cunt.

@bluetrampolines ... yay for the soon to be part!

Narcissist?

@SleepingStandingUp - I thought he was the love of my life and that if we could just fix XYZ all would he hunky dory. We had some amazing highs but the lows were unimaginable and affected every aspect of my life. But one good day cancelled out a month of bad.

@Spankyoumuchly - I nicely tried to suggest he might be narcissistic (if there is a way to do that nicely) and it was ‘I’m narcissistic?! What about when you do XYZ?’ 🙄

Refusing to take responsibility, erratic moods, volition emotions, lack of empathy are all common symptoms of personal disorders. They are also common symptoms or being an arse. Could say for sure which he is.

I'd say he was my stbxh! Honestly it's like there's a factory somewhere churning them out.

That's not a full answer though. There's a deeper reason to why you thought he could excuse a month of bad with one good day. Why you thought that was OK when it's really really not

I’m calling my ex a controlling emotional abuser. He had all those traits in some way.

I’d like to think it is an illness that can be cured.

Sounds very similar to my ex

Things were amazing when we met. Looking back he completely love bombed me and i thought I'd met 'the one' but in hindsight he was just a narcissistic wanker with a drinking problem.
I'm a strong, professional, independent woman and yet he managed to make me weak somehow.
He twisted everything, made me feel guilty for the way he behaved. He'd had quite a difficult family life and played on that, made me feel sorry for him. Nothing was his fault. He also used mental health/ threats of suicide as a way of controlling my behaviour and excusing his own.
Once it got bad I tried to end it but he'd manipulate his way back into my life time and time again.

I suppose looking back I wanted to be the one to fix him but eventually I realised no one could.

I too think back and just think to myself why the fuck did I waste 18 months of my life on the little toad?🤷🏼‍♀️
On the flip side though, I do believe that we go through things for a reason. I came out stronger and never ever again will I allow myself to be in a position where anyone treats me like a mug again. Perhaps I needed that.
I went through a phase of thinking I'd never find anyone that would match the good parts we had but I have. The good bits are even better with this guy and (so far!) there's been no lows. It's how it's meant to be; no games, no stress, easy.
If it ever does go wrong I 100% know that I'd walk away first time now. I know no matter what I'm fine on my own. I think it's a really reassuring feeling to know that while I'm the happiest I've been in a very long time, it's not dependent on who I'm with.

I guess we'll never really know if they're ill or just tossers but either way we're far better off without them.

Life is too short to spend it pandering to the needs of some little fucker 🙂

Crypto

*it's like there's a factory churning them out.'

That made me really laugh.

@wishywashy6 sounds like the same guy tbh

Wishy hit on a really key point - believing it was she who could fix him! It's a predominantly female trait in my experience, the belief that we can make it all better, can bring out that goodness for everyone to see. We're raised as carers and emotion fixers. We cuddle out teddies and reassure them the bandage will be off soon, or Daddy will come home soon, or that Croc won't bite him again. We spend hours with our female friends dissecting feeling and experiences and who said what to put it into order and make sense of it, to console and validate.
And then we meet a broken man and want to fix him, believe that if he could download all his emotional baggage like we do with our mates, together we could unpick it and intwist it and put him together whole.

But we miss a vital point. It isn't in their perceived best interested to be reconstructed as a loving caring man. And they're possibly so damaged all the broken pieces are stuck. They either can't or don't want fixing and the harder we try, the harder they resist, like a fight for survival.

Recognising we can't fix, and that our punishment for failure isn't a life by his side regardless, is a huge step for many of us

@SleepingStandingUp that's so true.

Fingers crossed I've found one who doesn't need fixing this time! 🙄

Me too 😂

You were right in one of your comments - the real question is why did you put up with it for so long. Turning that outside into wondering who or what he was - it's a distraction from looking to your own 'empty buckets' - the places where you are less-than-loving to yourself, and so where you look to others to fill those buckets for you.

No one battles for crumbs when they own a bakery.

Uh, dunno why you put up with it. Were the poems really good or something?