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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husbands mum physically and emotionally abuses him

28 replies

Candy5 · 08/11/2018 17:59

My husbands mum physically, emotionally and verbally abuses him. She controls his finances, where he takes me, what he can give me and what not to give me. She even tells him what to say all the time especially during times of arguments which makes the arguments worse. She seems to get pleasure from this and her sole purpose is to separate us. She has attempted to do similar things with her other sons and their marriage but to no avail. As they stood up to her and where not having her nonsence. However, my husband cannot stand up to her, he cant even look at her in the eyes when she's talking to him and is so afraid. She came to visit us not long ago and she was talking to him like he was 5 years old without any respect, even worse she pushed him against the wall and he said nothing to her. He looked frightened the whole time she was with us. And this happenes all the time she visits or we visit her. Additionally she mocks him with everybody around and makes fun of him because of his weight.
I feel like she is a MIL from hell. She is an absolute nightmare and she has turned my husband against me and continuously tells him to divorce me. I love him so much and he loves me too but i dont know if we will last. I asked a friend for advice and she said to move as far away as possible from her and not tell her where we've moved to, but i dont want to take him away from his family. Please advice me in how to handle this situation.

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Mxyzptlk · 08/11/2018 18:01

What does your husband want to do about it?
Does he realise that you fear for your marriage because of his mother?

Candy5 · 08/11/2018 18:08

He says he can't do anything because she's his mother. And he does realise its affecting our marriage but he cant do anything about it. She controls his whole life to the extent that he can't tell her to stop.

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Dullardmullard · 08/11/2018 19:18

how did you manage to even get married???

if he can't put you first you will resent him and leave eventually.

do not have kids with this man ever by the way.

Mxyzptlk · 08/11/2018 19:19

He doesn't have to tell her to stop. He has to stop taking notice of her, by cutting contact if that's the only way to do it.

You can't force either of them to do anything but you can make clear to him the way things are going, if nothing changes.

redcaryellowcar · 08/11/2018 19:20

I think not only is she the mother in law from hell but also the mother (of your DH) from hell. I know it's hard for you but it must be significantly harder for him. I would gently suggest he gets some counselling , hopefully he will be able to talk through with someone unconnected about the situation and they may be able to help him protect himself, his mother is abusing him and it's so far from ok, but he is the one who needs to take action, even if that's just never seeing her again?

Mxyzptlk · 08/11/2018 19:20

Could your husband talk about it with his brothers?

sheet82 · 08/11/2018 19:24

I'm sensing possibly a different culture here? Was this an arranged marriage?

Either way he needs to stand up to her or you walk away! With half his (her) assets!

missmouse101 · 08/11/2018 19:25

Your husband really needs to say to her he is refusing to have anything to do with her whilst she is behaving like this. It is totally unacceptable.

mummymayhem18 · 08/11/2018 19:29

Blimey that sounds awful. How can she control his finances when he's an adult who is married and not living with his mum?? It's awful he's being treated like that but he needs to grow some balls and stand up to her as she will keep doing it. I don't mean that in a horrible way but she knows she has been getting away with it which is why it's still happening. She wouldn't be coming anywhere near my house if that was how she was. Hope you can sort it between yourselves xx

ihopeyouwitchesareready · 08/11/2018 19:31

r u in the uk op?

Butterfly44 · 08/11/2018 19:37

Your husband needs counselling to understand the hold his mother has and to try and break from this. Moving away won't help...he needs to have psychological input. God knows what she put him through as a child. I think this is the only way. Either that or he lets you step up if he can't. You be the force to say no and regain control of the finances etc. Your married. It's your money too. MIL sounds like a vile woman but don't underestimate the hold she has ....it's been his whole lifetime, he knows no different!
I wouldn't say give up on him...support him to break this and become strong again.

Haffiana · 08/11/2018 20:07

Does he want it to change? If he doesn't then you need to decide whether to put up with it because you love him, or leave.

Bananalanacake · 08/11/2018 20:15

How can she control his money when he is an adult and has his own property.

ApolloandDaphne · 08/11/2018 22:58

How does she control your money? You need to help your DH to break free from his DM and live his own life. If he cannot i fear you may have to leave him.

Candy5 · 09/11/2018 09:28

Even getting married was difficult and people had to persuade her to 'allow' him to get married.

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Candy5 · 09/11/2018 09:33

@bananalanacake she checks how much he is spending and on what/who. She also takes majority of his money to the extent that sometimes he is broke.

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TombIhadaGraveChange · 09/11/2018 09:36

Buy him this book and read it with him.

mydietstartsmonday · 09/11/2018 09:38

Why are you not controlling the finances?
You need to sit down with your husband and draw out some new rules.

Change password on bank accounts and don't give her access.
Your husband needs to want to change things though or you will have an uphill struggle for the rest of your life.

Candy5 · 09/11/2018 09:39

@Mxyzptlk one of his brothers does give him good advice but im not sure of the others

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Candy5 · 09/11/2018 09:51

@redcaryellowcar thank you for the advice
I will ask him to seek councelling because she has caused him so much stress and depression

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GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 09/11/2018 09:54

What did you do when she pushed him against the wall? Did you say anything? If he's too scared to stand up for himself, maybe he needs your support.

Agree counselling is a wise and healthy step for him.

Candy5 · 09/11/2018 10:01

@butterfly44 Thank you, counselling seems to be the only way to go. I do think that she has been abusing him since his childhood due to the way he behaves around her and how she is with him. With regard to me stepping up and taking control of the finances etc. I dont think he will be happy with that due to the consequences he will have to face from her.

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Nanny0gg · 09/11/2018 10:04

I'm assuming this is a different culture where parents have far more say?

Do you live anywhere near his mother? Do you have to see her? If you live a distance away and refuse to see her what consequences can there be?

Candy5 · 09/11/2018 10:07

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy unfortunately i did'nt say anything i was hoping he would, but i regret that i did'nt.

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