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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner threatening to leave

39 replies

Eighties01 · 08/11/2018 10:47

I am 10 weeks pregnant with my first child from my partner of 6 years. He does not want me to have the baby and is pushing for an abortion. I am 39 years old so concerned that If I do not have this baby i will not get another chance. He has a child already that is 9 which I have never met. He says to me that he wanted things done the right way before we have children, get a home sorted etc, but he seems to have every excuse under the sun to commit to me in any way. I am desperate for him to change his mind, but I do not think he will. When I told him I had my scan date he said tell me the bad news when is it. I am torn now if I should keep the baby. " Do I want to have a bay with this man" even though before it is all I wanted. Can't believe the way he is behaving and the nastiness. Cannot stop crying and it's on my mind 24/7. Has anyone been through anything similar or have any advice.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 08/11/2018 10:55

How come you've never met his son? That's odd after being with him 6 years. Does he have any contact with him himself? I think you have to tell yourself that if you do keep this baby, the chances are high that you will be raising him/her alone. He sounds awful btw, don't let him pressure you into having an abortion that you don't want, you make sure that this is 100% your choice whatever you decide

FieryGhoulie · 08/11/2018 11:02

So sorry you're going through this.

The fact is, at 39, when will there be a "better time". This could very well be your last chance to become a mum?

Obviously, it's your body, your baby, your choice. Please don't let him sway you into doing something you don't want to do. If you decide that you're keeping the baby, he needs to like it or lump it.

Butterymuffin · 08/11/2018 11:04

Let him go if that's what he's threatening. He doesn't sound committed to you. I would choose a baby over a man - don't miss out on being a mum if that's what you want.

magoria · 08/11/2018 11:06

If you don't have this child you may never forgive his behaviour and your relationship will end.

If you have this child he will either accept it or your relationship will end and you will be stuck with an arse as a father.

Best scenario is you have a child with or with out him if you are sure you want a child don't be persuaded not to have it. Just do so knowing you will probably be a single parent.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 08/11/2018 11:06

Bin the man, have the baby.

Nanny0gg · 08/11/2018 11:10

Have the baby if you want to. Be prepared to be a single parent.

If you don't want the baby then don't. But leave him anyway, there is no future there.

peopleispeople · 08/11/2018 11:17

Choose the baby. If it is your last chance... you will regret it forever.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/11/2018 11:27

even though before it is all I wanted
If you want this baby then please go ahead and have it.
If you want a termination, then the sooner the better.
But.... do NOT let this non-committed asshole dictate anything to you.
This is your body and your choice.

And at 39, will you get another opportunity?
So it takes you 2 years to meet someone new. 41
You date for min 1-2 years before considering having a baby together. 43
At 43 you start to try to conceive. It takes longer than expected. You fall pregnant at 45.
At 60 you are running around after a stroppy 14 year old!!!
Rather than being 60 with a lovely, independent, functioning 20 YO!

The fact you have not met his child after 6 years speaks volumes.
I doubt he will be a very present dad.
So I don't think you'll need to worry about him too much.

If you continue with this pregnancy, please get him gone!
You do not need the extra stress of a wanking asshole in your presence.
Tell him to get to fuck and get all the love and support around you that you can.

Good luck OP!

DoctorManhattan · 08/11/2018 11:31

I assume the baby was unplanned given his reaction?

Has he been consistent in your 6yr relationship about never wanting more children or was this a discussion that was never had?

Wanting things 'done right' is a flakey reason for pursuing an abortion. Assuming he's in a similar age group to you and isn't 18, he's old enough and wise enough to cope with a baby before marriage or whatever other 'things' he wants sorted.

In either event, I agree with the other posters - it's entirely your choice if you have the baby. And you can't be oblivious to the effects of age on fertility, as you have stated - so that has to be taken into consideration too. Don't let him talk you out of your own instinct.

user1484424013 · 08/11/2018 11:48

Your pregnant so learn now to get tougher and honestly fuck him off. He is an arsehole 6 years. Yeah ok. Good luck and hope you have a good pregnancy (obv if that's what you decide) x

MMmomDD · 08/11/2018 12:47

This IS your last chance to have a baby. So - decide on that first. Do you want a child or not.

Given your age one needs to be pragmatic and realistic about it.

Your relationship with BF is a whole other story. And a separate one from
your decision about the child.

And - good luck and congratulations.

Lordamighty · 08/11/2018 14:03

Keep the baby & get rid of him, he sounds awful.

loveyoutothemoon · 08/11/2018 14:16

Keep the baby and get rid of him.

Villagelifer · 08/11/2018 14:48

The man doesn't sound great, and doesn't appear to consider you a partner if you have not met his son after 6 years.
I would consider the pregnancy and the baby without your partner in the picture.

redastherose · 08/11/2018 14:59

If you ever want a baby then you should work on the premise that this is your last chance. If he is being a knob about it keep the baby and ditch the waste of time man. If after wasting the probably last 6 fertile years of your time he hasn't wanted to marry you then he never ever will.

Do not have an abortion to please him because it will end your relationship anyway as you will never be able to forgive him for ruining your chance of being a Mother.

He will have to support the child whether he wants to or not so work on what you want.

Gemini69 · 08/11/2018 15:05

Congratulations on your wonderful news.... and I agree with everyone on here ... I hope you keep your baby Sweetheart and ditch this vile man... Flowers

LaurieFairyCake · 08/11/2018 15:38

If you want to have a child keep the baby

But dump the arsehole

IggyAce · 08/11/2018 15:52

I agree with pp have the baby and bin him. Realistically this is your last chance to have a baby.

Cawfee · 08/11/2018 16:37

Keep the baby, tell the man to F Off. Simple. Get yourself an NCT group and do every parenting course going so you get yourself a support group. You need other mums to be. This arsehole wont be missed. Like my gran used to say “tell him to piss or get off the pot”

wheresthehope · 08/11/2018 18:39

I Agree with everyone else! Have the baby and lose this horrid man...

SandyY2K · 08/11/2018 18:49

With the bio clock you can't risk a termination. This may be your last chance.

Does he understand biology and declining fertility/egg production?

Tell him to read and research before he says any more to you.

6 years and not met his child speaks volumes.

Let him stop threatening to leave and actually do it.

Haffiana · 08/11/2018 21:30

You have posted before, haven't you? You are desperate for your partner to commit to you, to have a family with you. He won't and you know it. He has made it perfectly clear that he doesn't want what you want.

So, if you want to keep this child then do so because YOU want a child, not because you want him to play happy families with you. That is not going to happen.

You need to be honest with yourself. Do you actually want a child that you will bring up alone and be a good mother to, or is this all some end game with your 'partner'? When you face the truth about yourself then you can stop crying and make a big girl decision about the rest of your life. This is no longer just about you.

Angrybird345 · 08/11/2018 21:35

As above

Lozzerbmc · 08/11/2018 22:15

You should do what YOU want. Good luck whatever you decide. I raised my son alone til he was 4 it was the hardest but best years of my life

Creamontop · 08/11/2018 22:43

Sorry to hear you're in this predicament. I can't see this relationship working either way tbh. If you do have an abortion I think you may forever regret the decision, and hold resentment towards your partner. I had a baby in my late 30s, and it was tiring. However, my now 3 year old is the most special little being in my life. Looking back, I can't believe I took such a gamble and left the whole baby thing so late. Even though my marriage is going down the pan, I know that I WILL cope with being a single mum (because I have to). Obviously the choice is yours, but do what YOU want to do. Do not for one second be pressured into an abortion if that's not what you really want.