Romance with a newborn...does it ever return??

[bella1426]

Just that really. We're only 2 weeks in and besotted by our new son but our interactions have gone so...transactional. it's all 'pass me the nappy' this or 'what time was his last feed' that. Sex is obviously a non event as recovering from a c section and has been throughout a difficult last trimester... even the affection has dried up... Just so tired and busy all the time...i miss our old relationship a bkt and it feels a little lonely 😪 I guess survival mode with a newborn is just what were in but would love to hear from people who have felt this and come out the other side.

I think it depends. If you're one of these women who sees the baby as an extension of yourself, having them quasi-permanently attatched to a nipple and barely letting the father interact or touch their own child, you’ll struggle. These boards are full of women complaining that their partner isn't an on-board parent/has become distant since the baby was born, but I have to wonder sometimes how many of them cause the situation in the first place with such behavior.

But, first few weeks are a fog of repetitive feeds and nappy changes with limited sleep, so indeed, I wouldn't worry too much if there's not much left in the tank for 'romance' at this stage. Don't worry, you'll get through it!

What a bizarre and misogynistic reply

Yes, Op, things will settle down. Babies are designed to be be an "extension of you" for the next 12 weeks (Google fourth trimester) to survive. They are your priority. Plenty of time to be romantic after that.

Lol @DeltaG what sexist drivel!

@bella1426 you're still in the trenches! It's all so new! You're adjusting and exhausted. This is no reflection of the future romance in your relationship.

Do your best to communicate well, be kind to each other and yourselves, check in about how you're both feeling. Get through the next few weeks & months, recover physically. Don't worry about sex until you feel like it. Your hormones are all over the shop, I remember being repulsed by my husband at times (I felt the opposite within a few weeks!)

Enjoy your baby!!

I'm a staunch feminist so no sexism here!

Perhaps I've touched a nerve 

And I often see this 'fourth trimester' idea bandied about on these boards.

Is there actual, scientific, peer-reviewed evidence of this? Or is a convenient, sound-bitey theory that people have latched on to? (Genuine question).

It's only been two weeks so I think you need to lower your expectations! Unless you have been blessed with an exceptionally easy baby then you'll probably be in that zone for at least the first three months. It probably took us six months with our first before we felt like we had the baby thing handled, but then our first baby was a challenge, to put it mildly. You seem like you have your priorities in the right place so try not to put pressure on yourself to be everything to everyone!

If you're one of these women who sees the baby as an extension of yourself, having them quasi-permanently attatched to a nipple and barely letting the father interact or touch their own child, you’ll struggle.

At 2 weeks old human babies are biologically wired to be quasi-permanently attached to their mother's nipple. Hard to let father interact with a child who wants to nurse constantly so that they can, you know, grow and survive.

What a weird comment.

Err not everyone breastfeeds you know.

And I'm talking about the longer term, as the OP asked 'does it ever return'.

@DeltaG from the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists

www.acog.org/Clinical-Guidance-and-Publications/Committee-Opinions/Committee-on-Obstetric-Practice/Optimizing-Postpartum-Care

"The weeks following birth are a critical period for a woman and her infant, setting the stage for long-term health and well-being. During this period, a woman is adapting to multiple physical, social, and psychological changes. She is recovering from childbirth, adjusting to changing hormones, and learning to feed and care for her newborn. In addition to being a time of joy and excitement, this “fourth trimester” can present considerable challenges for women, including lack of sleep, fatigue, pain, breastfeeding difficulties, stress, new onset or exacerbation of mental health disorders, lack of sexual desire, and urinary incontinence."

Err not everyone breastfeeds you know.

Doesn't change the newborn's instinct. Which is what "biologically wired" means. Yes you can bottle feed but mum will still smell like milk in the first weeks and the baby knows the heartbeat and voice of the person it was just living inside of.

Your comment struck me as totally divorced from the needs of a newborn infant. And that meeting those needs is being some sort of lunatic in your opinion. The OP is in such early days that yes - the baby's needs are going to trump everything including romance.

Of course a newborn needs it's mother close in the early days, that's a given, but not to the exclusion of the father. Which is what I see a fair bit of on here at times.

It’s very very very early days OP, even if it already feels like you’ve travelled a million miles from your life pre-kids. It does get better.

And it really isn't 'hard to let the father interact' at all, if you want him to bond with the child.

Yes it is scientific, Delta.

www.ucpress.edu/book/9780520267121/the-fourth-trimester

Your version of events is the one based on hearsay and superstition.

Of course a newborn needs it's mother close in the early days, that's a given, but not to the exclusion of the father. Which is what I see a fair bit of on here at times.

Complete straw man! The OP didn't say anything about excluding the father and yet you barge in with your weird agenda.

So it seems like the fourth trimester concept has been popularised by an American celebrity paediatrician. When I say scientific evidence, I mean actual robust clinical/epidemiological studies conducted by scientists.

Sounds like a misogynist's dream to me: telling women that they must keep their babies attached to them constantly, to the exclusion of everyone and anything else.

Ignore the dumdum above, but yes, of course, it does if your relationship was solid before and you both continue to support each other and have realistic expectations that having children changes everything in your lives and it takes time to feel rested and find your feet again. As long as you stick together, support each other and are patient until life gets easier, then you’ll find your way to a new normal again.

We’ve bedshared and I’ve bf two babies (though one longer than the other) and am up 3-4 times a night and we have very little free time at the moment for each other (youngest is 8 months), but I would say our relationship is probably the strongest it’s ever been.

With our first I would say it was closer to 2 years before we really felt normal again, but the time leading up to that wasn’t bad, we were just tired and balancing busy careers and commuting and a small child is not easy. What made the difference was that we did it together. No one was off ignoring the other or having a tantrum because it was too hard. No one’s career came before the other. We both got time off and got to travel. So the hard bits were shared and that helped. Second time around we knew it would get easier again and we just had to stick with it. I would say it was back to normal after 4 ish months. I don’t think we’ve been this solid and happy since we were dating over a decade ago. So yes, it does come back. You just both have to be patient and work at it once things get a bit easier and you can come up for air.

Anyway OP, I don't want to de-rail your thread further, so I'll take myself elsewhere. Good luck, the first few weeks with a first born are a shock to the system!

@DeltaG did you read the ACOG link? Does it say mother and baby must be attached at all times? Seriously - what are you talking about?

Start your own thread against attachment parenting if you want. That's no what OP here is asking about in the slightest.

This won’t be very popular, but I do think your age plays a part. I had my kids in my twenties and things were back to normal within a week or so. Friends who have had their kids in their forties (and even late thirties) have taken a lot longer. In almost everything.

It's been 2 weeks since a massive life changing event. 2 weeks.

Honestly, In the first few weeks and months after childbirth, romance does go out the window. Life has changed for ever. It's take a while to learn to get used to the new norm.

In all honesty, it doesn't always come back. You see it on these boards all the time. However, once everything feels more normal, that's down to you and your partner.

While I think delta has expressed themseleves poorly, I am inclined to agree to a certain degree. But it's not just women who change after childbirth. I have had friends who have been so consumed with their baby, permenantly, it's been to the exclusion of the father. But I have also seen fathers act like they are jealous, like the baby is just an inconvienience, the baby is the mothers responsibility only, that they don't need to try anymore and so on. All that can totally kill a romance.

But for now, don't worry about it for now both of you just enjoy the baby. This newborn phase will disappear so quickly.

It is hard but things do go back to normal - especially once the baby has adjusted to night/day and things get into a bit more of a routine.
Not sure about age - I had a baby in my twenties and found it all very tough. I was still in hospital after a week! Anyway, the important thing is just know that this tough newborn stage won't last forever. Keep working as a team, be kind to each other and you'll be back on track very soon. Congratulations on your little one.

As most have said it's early days. Have you spoken with your partner about how you feel.

I'm a staunch feminist so no sexism here! Yes, not the first "Feminists" to say that.