Winding each other up on WhatsApp - Red Flag?

[TooOldForThis67]

Hi
So, 8mths into a relationship that has been tested quite seriously from the start - STD, Menopause and death of my Dad. I also live with my STBX (finally leaving in a matter of days) and have a young son with Autism. I've been at breaking point many times. My b/f has been lovely most of the time. He split from his partner almost a year ago and has had issues with money and seeing his kids. We have supported each other. HOWEVER, why do we always wind each other up on messenger? I seem to take everything the wrong way and am super sensitive. Most of our messages contain the words, FFS or FO! I'm always ending it. It sounds really childish I know, but we can't seem to break the habit. When we talk face to face it's completely different, we get on great. I'm not like this with anyone else.
Before anyone suggests talking on the phone, I really struggle as am hard of hearing even with hearing aids.
Apologies if this all sounds trivial but I'm beginning to question our relationship. Would it be petty to sit him down and go through some of our messages so I can explain ?

My first question would be this... have you ever had these kind of interactions on messenger with your ex? If not then I bet your new partner has with HIS ex.

When we enter new relationships, we sometimes bring bad habits with us.

I remember not long after getting with my now DH, some minor thing happened and he looked all worried and said "are you going moody now?" apparently his ex would go in a bad mood with him for minor things...not talk to him etc

I'd love to know the contents of your messages...what are you arguing about exactly?

Bain of my life I get too many messages from GF drives me mad.

Ok, here's an example:-
Me: At the beginning of the week we were on about Sat and me doing the doodle dash Sunday, if I could walk and now on Thurs you say you always take them to fireworks. No problem, just saying you are a tad confusing. Lets leave it.
Him: Oh ffs. Look been working hard lots on and did not realise dates etc. Could pop round on Sat. Looks like rain anyway.
Me: After fireworks? Supposed to be dry according to weather reports. I'll be fine. Don't want a booty call.
HIm: So after fireworks then next msg fuck off. FFs cannot be dealing with you atm.
Me: I was asking you if that's what you meant. So you can fuck right off. Had enough.
Him: Whatever. You are in one of those moods obviously.

It went on like this for a while, over a few days!

He msg late last night saying he can pop over if I want, I know where he is etc, which was sweet, but spoilt it by ending with "can't say anymore than that without upsetting you again xx".

Reading it all back I think he is quite defensive and I'm quite dismissive. No, I don't do msg with anyone else like this, only him.

This does not look like a kind loving relationship. The way you speak to each other is horrible and shows no respect on either side. It shouldn’t be this hard 8 months in OP. I think a PP had it right when she said you may have both brought bad habits and patterns into the relationship.

Yep, I couldn’t imagine sending those kind of messages to my boyfriend, and he’d never send them to me. You’re only 8 months in, it really shouldn’t be like this.

From the one example you've given you both sound like hard work. After 8 months (well, or at all) you shouldn't be being so mean to each other. If you never have any problems face to face then stop messaging? Apart from short necessary stuff.

So, I sent a really sweet msg asking him to come over tonight and he replied equally sweet. I added that we needed to clear the air talk about the hostile msgs. I think we are both really stressed atm but even so, it can't continue like this. I feel like he is my ex, not my actual STBX! I know for a fact that he and his ex exchange msgs like that. I need to tell him I'm not his ex but have a feeling like he will say the same, even though I don't msg my actual ex like that. Lol. Oh for the good old days when I had to walk to a phone box to call a boyfriend!

tbh your first message sounds a bit passive aggressive and your second message is just hostile, his aren't great either but tbf they seem to be reacting to yours

You seem to be the one starting the trouble OP. It's you who makes the annoying little digs.

He probably forgot it was bonfire night - are you always so quick to get annoyed? From his replies it sounds like he's used to you getting annoyed at him and that's why he's saying ffs.

I couldn’t be fucked to have a relationship like this. Too much drama !!

You're not communicating well - you're both using passive/aggressive or just aggressive language instead of saying what you really mean.

You wanted to know what was happening at the weekend but you also felt hurt that he wasn't prioritising the plans you thought you'd made over the fireworks, and that comes out as snippiness instead. He feels got at and responds with the "ffs" (not great but a response to your tone?).

I think it’s good that you recognise in your OP that you are over sensitive!

In the exchange you give

• you seem hostile about a simple mistake in plans
• you says he’s confusing then you tell him you’re letting it go. That would really annoy me! You are criticising him then immediately shutting down his possibility to defend himself
• you’re pedantic in correcting him about the weather forecast! It doesn’t sound like a conversational point that you saw a different forecast, it sounds like you correcting him
• if my boyfriend of 8 months tried to fit in seeing me on a busy day, and I accused him of a booty call then I’d tell him to fuck off too! That was mean.

It’s good that you’re going to talk to him, but have you thought about what you’re going to discuss? I’d suggest working out what your triggers are for irritation - both of you. So for me, in the exchange above, I would say to you:

• please don’t ever say “let’s leave it”, because that makes me feel like you get to criticise me, but cut my feelings off
• please don’t be so pedantic and correct me
• don’t accuse me of booty calls - that’s actually saying something quite nasty about me
• don’t use the word “fine” cos fine never means fine

To him I would say

• please don’t use FFS/FO, harsh swearing via text always makes me upset

I think you need to look at what gets you cross, and work out WHY it triggers you.

Hope your talk tonight goes well OP and you can set some ground rules with how you communicate together by text. It might be best to limit non-verbal communication to just essential messages until you get onto more of an even keel. Give the dust a chance to settle.

Well, the chat went well. We were both pussycats! How weird are we! He totally gets why I am stressed out and reacting the way I do. I have 4 days until STBX finally leaves and it is going to be a huge pressure off my shoulders. I've been so worn down by grief and trying to have an amicable split with my ex. I truly believe my b/f will stick by me thro this. I've felt so self-worthless that it's hard to accept that anyone really wants me, but he does. I still have Xmas to get thro without my Dad and my son without his Dad, I just have to try and get over this.

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing OP. He might get why you've been stressed out....and you might "truly believe he'll stick with you" but those things aren't what's at the heart of the issue.

Your ex leaving might change the dynamic so wait and see what happens then.
I would not accept this behaviour from anyone in my life. So personally I would end it.
Can you stop the swearing in messages and see if he stops? Why did he split with ex? How does he talk about his ex? Do you argue face to face and how does that play out?
If you feel worthless you are prime for abuse. Do the Freedom Programme online and read ‘Why does he do that?’ By Lundy Bancroft.

I honestly could not make head nor tail of your first message! Maybe try communicating more clearly with each other and it would relieve some of the frustration. You seem like a bit of a pain and he reacts to it.

Tbh i think your messages would rile me too. Granted i wouldnt react the way he did as its disrespectful but none the less i think this is 6 of one and half a dozen of the other.
If im completely honest i dont think this is healthy for either of you and has the potential to become very toxic.
There are absolutely times in our life where we need to concerntrate on ourselves and these are the times we 100% shouldnt be in a relationship.
Im a firm believer in what you are experiencing is the precise reason not to jump into relationships before dealing with and healing from the fall out of the last one ending, before, starting a new one.
From an outside perspective neither of you have done that. Therefore your emotional baggage has been taken into this relationship, you are so co dependant emotionally on eachother its unhealthy after such a short time together. The waters are well and truly muddy and it takes away your ability to see things for what they are, a relationship that isnt working.

No one would text me like that once. Let alone twice

That sounds ridiculous and really hard work.

Thanks everyone for your feedback, even the harsh stuff.
My moods are so up and down atm probably in part due to menopause, don't know. Am hoping when STBX leaves that I'll become calmer and in turn, so will my b/f. Here's hoping!

Your message to him was confusing tbh. Very unclear IMO.

This is also why it's good to be fully out of one relationship, before getting into another. It just adds unnecessary stress.

You seem like you've a lot going on. Rather than reacting immediately and texting, maybe leave it an hour and come back to it. That always helps me calm down and look at it differently. The texts do seem to come across very passive aggressive and hostile. It's a pity for such a new relationship

It's a hard habit to break. My ex was always causing issues in our relationship and towards the end it would be like that. I would break up over and over when he was at his worst, and take him back after we managed to talk. But it was wearing on both of us and it was something that couldn't ever be fixed.
My current boyfriend is my best friend of many years and has only ever been good to me, but I brought in the anxiety and distrust of being treated the same. I was so used to being treated badly that I would make situations worse by having an attitude like yours (its fine, I don't want to be a bootycall") and it took me a while to realise that he wasn't my ex. I didn't need to wait for the the drama and bad stuff, because it wasn't coming. It is so weird when you finally realise relationships aren't supposed to be like that. It isn't a normal way to talk to each other. And God when you come out of the other side it's amazing.

You need to check yourself before you reply. If you care about him you don't need to create these situations for attention. You feel insecure so you engineering situations and want him to react like "of course you're not a bootycall, ill come whenever". And he also shouldn't be reacting how he is, he can say "hey you're doing it again" and you can work through it together.