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Original poster

Is it OK to go for dinner with a male friend when you are married?

62 replies

SugaryBits · 19/06/2007 07:50

I have recently got back in touch with an old friend from college. We have met once, (with my DC in tow) and are planning to go out for dinner to catch up properly.

Some of my friends are really shocked about this. They think it's disrespectful to my DH! One friend said she wouldn't dream of even asking her DH if she could go. She has a SAHD friend and her DH won't allow her to have him in the house, although he just about accepts her seeing him at toddler groups. Personally I find this odd and if my DH had such little trust in me, there would be problems in our relationship!

So I suppose I am asking AIBU to go to dinner with my friend?

OP posts:
Original poster
SugaryBits · 19/06/2007 10:35

LOL MrsBadger, maybe I'm just not as irresistable as you!

OP posts:
Quattrocento · 19/06/2007 10:36

YABU for asking the question at all! Of course you are "allowed" to have dinner with a male friend.

GameGirly · 19/06/2007 10:36

God no, go for it. I have a close male friend and we regularly go out for drinks/dinner/cinema after work. DH doesn't mind at all (I don't think!). Our relationship is definitely platonic although I confess there's occasionally a little "what if" frisson. But we're both married (in my case very happily indeed, thank you!) and neither of us would ever act on it. It's just a bit of fun.

MarsLady · 19/06/2007 10:36

Perfectly fine!

wurlywurly · 19/06/2007 10:37

I think as long as you are all honest and you know that its "just dinner" then I dont think its a problem.

BandofMothers · 19/06/2007 10:41

As long as your DH knows about him and that there's nothing in it I don't see why it should be a problem.

Kewcumber · 19/06/2007 10:51

I woild go provided Dh knew and was OK with it (no reason he shouldn;t be obviously). I stayed friends with a male friend after he married though we did make sure to intersperse having dinner together with doing something that included his wife (eg me going around to them for dinner)

RibenaBerry · 19/06/2007 14:06

I think it's fine too, but I'd only do it if my DH was happy.

There is one friend of ours who, although DH has never had a thing for her, I have always been a bit wary of. Although it is irrational, I would not like him seeing her for dinner on his own. Not because he would do anything. Not because I do not trust him, but just because I wouldn't like it.

DH is so confident that he doesn't worry this way about anyone, but, if he did, I would try and arrange a more inclusive meet up (e.g. dinner with partners). Not because I had to, but just out of courtesy for his feelings.

Perhaps that is the sort of situation that your friends are thinking of.

That said, the comment about the friend who is only allowed to see the SAHD at toddler group is just odd!

WigWamBam · 19/06/2007 14:09

I think it's fine - as long as your dh knows and is happy about it.

Ignore your friends; they sound as if they have some problems with jealousy in their relationship.

fennel · 19/06/2007 14:10

I don't find it too hard to keep my kit on even when meeting up with ex-boyfriends, or people where one of us did hanker after the other. Somehow, going out for a meal doesn't inevitably end for me in a state of undress or of high passion. Surely this isn't that unusual?

I do feel sorry for SAHDs being socially ostracised, my DP has the dds some days and if no women were friendly to him it would be a fairly grim undertaking.

mustrunmore · 19/06/2007 14:17

TBH, I'm suprised that this would be an issue at all, on many levels: it would imply a relationship wasnt strong enough to allow other friends, it would imply that a person didnt have the right to see whatever friends they wanted anyway, and it would imply that both these points were normal. God, if (and when) I want to go out, I ask dh re the courtesy thing because it means he'll be in with the kids(but he's be at home anyway!), but I'd never ask for his blessing for who I was going out with.

rebelmum1 · 19/06/2007 14:21

oo no I don't think so, unless you invite dh or they're gay

FCH · 19/06/2007 14:24

I work in a very male dominated environment and have lots of work friends who I often have dinner with during the week when I am away from home. This has never been a problem for DH although I have occasionally had raised eyebrows from his mum

rebelmum1 · 19/06/2007 14:31

ur a bit stuck at work though it's not like your pursuing their company, and you like them.

rebelmum1 · 19/06/2007 14:32

I know people who regularly meet their exes and their partners are happy with it, it's down to you dh really and how he feels.

HappyDaddy · 19/06/2007 14:33

Isn't the attitude of if you go anywhere with anyone of the opposite sex, you're planning adultery a bit outdated?

Go and have a laugh.

rebelmum1 · 19/06/2007 14:33

I personally wouldn't and have lost contact with some of my male friends, as they did fancy me a bit and didn't want to meet dh too

HappyDaddy · 19/06/2007 14:34

If they fancy you and are avoiding meeting dh, then yes they aren't platonic friends. If not then all is well.

pavlovthecat · 19/06/2007 14:37

I personally have no problem with my DP going out for dinner with female friends, and he does occasionally go over there for a bite to eat, around 2-3 female friends, similarly, (if I ever decide to venture out of the house again!) DP has no problems with me spending time with male friends, in the pub, at dinner, whatever. It depends tho, on what friend it is, history of friendship etc and how comfortable you are with this yourself.

the friends we see seperately are also joint friends, and meet up all together too. I know them, and we have all been friends a long time, so there is no trust issue. There is one female friend DP has who he has not known very long, but I have met her, and I am often invited too, just dont feel like going.

rebelmum1 · 19/06/2007 14:37

perhaps it is dated but then in my experience a man wouldn't have dinner with you if they didn't fancy you a bit maybe I'm wrong.

joash · 19/06/2007 14:38

Yes - go and enjoy yourself

rebelmum1 · 19/06/2007 14:39

we barely get a chance to go out together these days I just can't imagine saying right i'm off to have dinner with bob, i'll try not to wake you up when i come home..

Kewcumber · 19/06/2007 14:44

lol at rebelmum - I wish! Have had dinner with many many men who didn't fancy me or I them (in fact some of whom I was dating but thats a whole other story).

Original poster
SugaryBits · 19/06/2007 15:06

Lol at some of the replies here!

Rebelmum- I don't understand why you think a man wouldn't have dinner with you unless he fancied you? Don't you ever go out to dinner with female friends, just to catch up/have a laugh etc?

OP posts:
motherinferior · 19/06/2007 15:10

Come to that, I would slightly love to go out for dinner with someone who fancied me a bit. We could flirt decorously across the table before saying a slightly wistful farewell and returning to the mundanity of parental life.

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