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Original poster

Is it OK to go for dinner with a male friend when you are married?

62 replies

SugaryBits · 19/06/2007 07:50

I have recently got back in touch with an old friend from college. We have met once, (with my DC in tow) and are planning to go out for dinner to catch up properly.

Some of my friends are really shocked about this. They think it's disrespectful to my DH! One friend said she wouldn't dream of even asking her DH if she could go. She has a SAHD friend and her DH won't allow her to have him in the house, although he just about accepts her seeing him at toddler groups. Personally I find this odd and if my DH had such little trust in me, there would be problems in our relationship!

So I suppose I am asking AIBU to go to dinner with my friend?

OP posts:

DaddyJ · 19/06/2007 07:53

I suppose it depends on how you and your dp
feel about boys & girls being 'just good friends'.

If you're comfortable with that, then go and enjoy catching up!

MrsBadger · 19/06/2007 07:57

Don't think I'd go 'out for dinner' - sounds too much like a date, if you catch my drift. More likely to have them round for dinner, or meet them for lunch or coffee.

But depends entirely on you and your DH - sod the rest of the world.

Riss70 · 19/06/2007 08:00

Hmmmm that would depend entirely on the relationship you had with old friend and your level of honesty with yourself..... if it was entirely platonic than I don't see that there would be an issue however if there was anything more to the relationship even close to more than I think you owe it to DH to tell him and then go from there.

I would not think twice about it with a platonic friend (with details of where I was going and when I would be back given) but if either party ever had a thing for the other then I would be inclined to catch up under differnt circumstances perhaps with a couple for DH's friends around etc for a drink/meal on the weekend and DH and his friends might end up off together and give you time with your friend

lissie · 19/06/2007 08:01

i think its ok as long as you ask yourself honestly is there an attraction? if theres any history between you i dont think it'd be such a great idea. ive always had lots of male friends (i was best woman at my oldest friends wedding) but i do think its hard to tell exactly what the nature of your friendship is. and your relationship with dh tbh.

WaynettaSlob · 19/06/2007 08:04

I go out for dinner with a married male friend of mine - and we are 'just friends'. My DH and his DW are fine, it's just other people can't see past it. (should point out that we have never had a relationship by the way)
So, if you and your DH are comfortable with it, then go for it.

Original poster

SugaryBits · 19/06/2007 08:06

Thanks for the messages. My friendship with this guy is definately platonic. There is no attraction whatsoever and never was. We just get on really well. I am absolutely committed to my DH and have no intention of looking elswhere!

Mrs Badger, I do catch you drift but can't really understand why it would be OK to spend time with him at lunch time but not at dinner time! But I do understand what you mean. Anyway, lunch would mean taking the DC and never geting the chance to finish a sentence!

OP posts:

lemonaid · 19/06/2007 08:08

I don't see a problem so long as there isn't another agenda on either side and your DH knows about it. If this bloke's always had a crush on you, for example, it would be unwise.

Personally I'd probably be wanting to arrange something that my DH, and the other guy's partner if he has one, could be involved in too -- not because it would be wrong to go out to dinner, but because it seems more constructive to try to integrate my old friendship into my current life.

Original poster

SugaryBits · 19/06/2007 08:09

Meant to add, my DH is fine with it, I wouldn't go if he wasn't. He has done a bit of the fake jealousy stuff i.e. "darling, did you know you can fit a whole person through my wood chipper?" He trusts me completely and I would never betray that trust.

OP posts:

lemonaid · 19/06/2007 08:09

Ooops, cross-posted.

NotQuiteCockney · 19/06/2007 08:11

I would say this was ok. But then, I hang out with an ex-bf whenever we are back in Canada (and he has come to stay with us, here in London). And I have a friend who is a SAHD, and we hang out quite a bit.

As long as you aren't hiding anything from your DH, and as long as your DH is ok with it, that's all that matters.

Original poster

SugaryBits · 19/06/2007 08:11

Lemonaid, I would love to get him and my DH together at some point, and infact DH has asked him to give him a hand with some work next week so they will meet then, but I want to go out with him on my own first, to catch up and talk about school i.e all the stuff DH wouldn't be interested in!

OP posts:

talcy0 · 19/06/2007 08:13

Agree with mrsbadger.

tribpot · 19/06/2007 08:16

I've done this before. Before ds was born, I would probably have taken dh with me if he was feeling well enough to go, but since ds and now that dh's health is very poor, it's difficult for him to leave the house (which solves my babysitting dilemma if I want to go out ) so I would normally go on my own. Always with dh's full knowledge and consent of course.

DaddyJ · 19/06/2007 08:18

So, Sugary, you were just worried about
people's comments?
Hope our posts helped balance things out!

My dw regularly goes for meals with her 2-3 good male friends
and I meet up with my female friends without any issues.

FrannyandZooey · 19/06/2007 08:30

I think yes it is fine to go out with your male friend. I regularly go out with my ex for dinner and films and stuff. Dp doesn't give a toss.

I think your friend's relationship sounds odd too. I think some women see spousal jealousy / control as proof of love and it makes them feel safe.

Anniegetyourgun · 19/06/2007 08:31

How about having your catch-up after they meet next week? Then DH knows what it is he is being cool about! As for your shocked friends though, they should know you better.

mylittlestar · 19/06/2007 08:37

Absolutely fine if neither of you has a hidden agenda and your dh is happy with it.

It's between you and your dh. The friends who are shocked obviosuly have little trust in you (and probably in their own relationships for that matter!).

madamez · 19/06/2007 09:34

Of course it's OK, because you and your partner are both happy about it. What other people think is their problem not yours. Some people are quite happily involved in open relationships and will send their partners of on dates with a big smile and best wishes, so the 'rules' about what is and is not acceptable need to be defined in each individual relationship, not by other people.

Original poster

SugaryBits · 19/06/2007 09:49

Thanks all. Yes DaddyJ I was getting a bit worried about other peoples comments, thinking maybe I was the only one who thought it would be Ok! Obviously not thanks to your comments.

OP posts:

Oblomov · 19/06/2007 10:01

Yes I think it is o.k. I and my dh would be o.k. with this - its called trust.
But I am not sure about the can men and women be friends - i.e. the 'When Harry met sally debate'.
I was sure it was true, and that they could be friends, but nearly all of my male friends have said not.
And then my closest male friend , told me how he felt about me and that he had done for years - and that really freaked me out.

francagoestohollywood · 19/06/2007 10:19

I have many male friends, some of them I've been friends for nearly 20 years. Of course I go out to dinner with them.

PinkMartini · 19/06/2007 10:23

Was coming on to post but actually Franny said what I think much more succinctly than I ever could.

motherinferior · 19/06/2007 10:23

Er...what's supposed to be the problem? That somehow over dinner you'll be swept away with dining-induced lust? That it's all Too Romantic To Be Respectable??

Frankly, even if one of you does secretly slightly fancy the other, I'm sure it's quite possible to keep your clothes on.

MrsBadger · 19/06/2007 10:31

hmm

reading the rest of the responses, I think mine was coloured by the fact that any 'old college friend' of mine who wants to see me and not DH is almost certainly trying to rekindle a spark.

But that is my problem and not the OP's .

Original poster

SugaryBits · 19/06/2007 10:34

LOL MotherInferior! I am sure I will manage to remain fully dressed.

I was just starting to doubt myself because of the shock horror reactions from a couple of my friends. I started to worry that I was being unfair to DH by expecting him to be happy for me to go. He is happy though, as I would be if the situation were reversed.

I will stop caring if other people have a problem with it!

OP posts:

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