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Relationships

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Original poster

My widower partner

31 replies

Scabby60 · 07/11/2018 17:26

I have been with my partner almost 6 years. He’s a widower and I never thought it would be so difficult to cope with this. We don’t live together and there are no plans to but now I’m thinking after all this time why doesn’t he suggest it? He lived with her obviously as they were married and she had a son from a previous relationship who also lived with them. He’s got a burial plot saved next to her so he’ll be going back to her in the end anyway. I resent the son also (he’s 21). He said to me right at the beginning that he ‘couldn’t make me any promises’ but goes on making holiday arrangements year after year. He buys me expensive presents and has never let me down in any way. I have always thought I’d end it soon but six years on I just can’t do it still. I can’t help thinking he’ll always love someone else and I’m getting really depressed about it. I am 57 and he is 46, I really don’t want to waste anymore time as I feel time is running out for me to meet someone else, and anyway I really love him.

OP posts:

SlipperyNettle · 07/11/2018 17:32

You sound quite passive.

What does he say when you tell him all of this and ask him if he’d like to move in with you?

dudsville · 07/11/2018 17:37

He isn't making a commitment to you. Don't punish either of yourselves for that. Maybe the holidays, expensive gifts and being reliable are gratitude for your willingness to engage in this level of relationship. Sounds like you want something more. Her may or may not know that but either way the decision is yours to make.

Gazelda · 07/11/2018 17:57

What do you want from him? Marriage? Living together? Have you had any conversations about the future (apart from when you first got together).
How long has he been widowed?
Why do you resent his son?

crimsonlake · 07/11/2018 18:06

Firstly that is quite a large age gap between you and he also lost his wife at quite a young age really. I would perhaps try and find someone more age appropriate and I mean this in a nice way. I am the same age as you and would not take up with a man still in his 40's. That said you say you resent his son, he may have picked up on this. I imagine they are very close, if you feel this way it is time to move on and stop wasting your time.

LovingLiving · 07/11/2018 18:09

Does the son live with him?

Notacluewhatthisis · 07/11/2018 18:24

It really sound like this isn't the relationship for you. Being with a widower is hard. Because you may always wonder of her would be with you if she had lived. Would they be happy, would they be divorced and so on.

Nothing wrong with finding it hard. But you should recognise it's not the relationship for you. I wouldn't mentioned moving in with someone who resents my child. Wether that child's an adult or not.

My Dp has an adult step son. He isnt biologically his son, that doesn't matter to dp. Dps son is sometimes a dick. When I got with Dp I knew he had a son and so I accept him, flaws and everything. When he turns up to hang out with us and all I want is to get on the sofa and read in science, I accept it and welcome him. When he turns up unannounced for dinner, I get another plate out and ask him how his days been.

Because that's what I expect for my son. My son wont be banished for being a bit of dick, he will be welcomed for dinner. Your Dp will know how you feel about his son.

If you want this relationship to move forward, then you need to deal with the issues and tell him what you want.

Reaa · 07/11/2018 18:39

Why don't you suggest it instead of waiting for him to ask you?

Gottensomedraws · 07/11/2018 18:46

You’ve been together 6 years, so since DSS was 15. I assume that bringing up a teenager was maybe his priority until now? I would certainly have thought so. Talk to him , then you know where you stand.

Original poster

Scabby60 · 07/11/2018 19:31

His late wife died 9 years ago aged 33, the son has not lived with him since she died, he went to live with his biological dad and is still there. He has had a tough time accepting his mum's death and has been sectioned several times because of his behavior. I have supported my OH with the son problems but I can't help feeling the lad is taking advantage (phoning and asking for money etc). He's always going on about his mum all the time, I mean he doesn't talk about anything else. My OH doesn't talk about her hardly ever but I accept his past life with her. I sound ridiculous about the grave thing but it really upset me. I know the age gap is 11 years but this has never been a problem for either of us but as I get older I can't help wondering if this is all just a relationship and not a forever thing.
I have never broached the subject of living together, perhaps I'm afraid of the answer and that will force me to end it. The anniversary of her death is on my birthday of all days so he obviously gets 'thinking of you' messages. I'm ashamed to say this really gets on my nerves and I know it's wrong but it's how I feel. He doesn't know any of this stuff and carries on a perfectly normal loving relationship with me. We do love each other but it's really difficult being the 'other woman'. I just don't know what to do, carry on or finish what could be a great life together. I said to my friend about the 'I can't make you any promises' thing from when we first got together and she said even men that make promises break them sometimes so you've just got to trust him. Oh rats, what would you do???

OP posts:

LovingLiving · 07/11/2018 19:37

I think you could bring it up after six years. If it’s a definite no then at least you are not waiting and hoping.

Escolar · 07/11/2018 22:09

I would definitely suggest moving in together and see what he says. Maybe he'll think it's a great idea!

PolkaDoting · 07/11/2018 22:25

It’s odd not to be able to talk about living together after 6 years.

It would be reasonable to ask him to leave his phone at home/have a social media ban on your birthday so that these messages don’t intrude.

SandyY2K · 07/11/2018 23:02

It would be reasonable to ask him to leave his phone at home/have a social media ban on your birthday so that these messages don’t intrude.

I disagree. That's too controlling.

I think you need to move on OP. You'll never be his priority . If he wanted to live with you...he'd suggest it.

Do you really want to live in the house they shared?

Ellisandra · 07/11/2018 23:19

I think you should split up with him.
You can’t cope with him being a widower.

And you’ve been together 6 years yet you don’t feel able to suggest living together, so it’s not a great relationship anyway.

I find it really odd that you have a problem with him receiving some condolence messages on your birthday. It’s just a birthday, once you’re 57 you should be over being Princess for a day, I think. I don’t believe that he’s getting so many messages that it can possibly be thar instrusive. This is more about your jealousy.

I’m married to a widower and don’t mind at all that he’ll be buried in a plot with her. He loved and loves her, and that doesn’t make him love me any less.

Ellisandra · 07/11/2018 23:24

Does it really matter if he loves her too?

Do you have children? I only have one, but all my friends with two tell me that love is not a finite resource and expands as much as needed. Perhaps you have two parents, and are able to love both of them?

Can you at least consider that you could accept that he loves you both? She’s dead, it’s not a competition, there actually isn’t any reason to be jealous.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/11/2018 03:05

You're just playing games. You claim to be upset about all these different issues but also admit you've never talked to him about any of them. Do you think he's a mind reader? Start behaving like an adult.

AJPTaylor · 08/11/2018 03:42

If what you want is a normal family life, ie a partner so share the ups and downs with, tell him and act on his answer.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 08/11/2018 03:54

I wouldn't suggest moving into the home she shared with him, that's a bit off I think. Moving to a new home you could suggest. To be honest though I think you'll never be his forever woman, no one will, she's been and gone and now he's waiting to be with her again when he passes. It's not your fault, and it's not his. It's and unfortunate situation that I would advise you move on from. It's been 6 years and you both don't communicate about your feelings or anything of emotional substance? That to me says it's over before we've even begun the widower issues.

Ellisandra · 08/11/2018 08:38

Mouse where on Earth are you getting this “forever woman” nonsense from? You’re just fuelling the OP’s own issue here.

OP says he hardly ever even talks about his late wife. There’s nothing in her posts to suggest that no one ever will be! Where do you get that from?! It’s nonsense.

My widower husband has a joint burial plot. It came up when we talked about our own funeral plans. He said “oh...” and I said “don’t even think about it - why have your son make 2 visits? Besides, it’s paid for!” So what if he’s buried with her? If you don’t believe in an afterlife, it doesn’t matter. If you do, then I’m sure you don’t believe that you’re reincarnated surgically attached to the person in your plot?

OP is jealous of a load of old bones next to another load of old bones. OP, either split up with him or see a counsellor to work out why you’re jealous of a woman long dead. It doesn’t matter if he loves you both.

Ellisandra · 08/11/2018 08:40

Although I do agree with you Mouse that after 6 years OP should be able to communicate her needs.

On living together... I think it’s not unusual not to. A lot of people get used to their own space! As he’s a widower it could be that his house was paid off by insurance, which removes one of the cost drivers that encourage living together.

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 08/11/2018 13:05

Ellisandra in a comment the OP wrote about wondering if it were a 'forever thing'. That's where that reference comes from.

Ellisandra · 08/11/2018 13:46

But that’s coming from the OP, wanting a ‘forever thing’ type of relationship.

Nothing she has said is suggesting that he doesn’t want a forever thing with anyone and is just waiting to be with his late wife again when he dies!

Nothing suggests that he isn’t ready and wanting to be with someone else - and he’s been dating OP for 6 years, and she says he loves her!

I think this has nothing to do with him being a widower, from his point of view. Yes, he hasn’t suggested living together - but neither has the OP! Maybe he’s happy in his own space, maybe he’s shy to ask, maybe he’s just not that committed - none of that is about him being a widower.

I met my widower on line - he told me he got really fed up with people making assumptions about him because he was! He declined a second date with one woman who then sent him links for bereavement counsellors - he’d just thought she was a bit dull!

The “issue” of the late wife, is all coming from the OP. He boyfriend rarely even mentions his late wife.

I think OP should deal with her own jealousy issues first, and then if she thinks she can get over that, she should ask him what his view is on living together.

Noqont · 08/11/2018 13:50

To be honest though I think you'll never be his forever woman, no one will, she's been and gone and now he's waiting to be with her again when he passes

Seriously

NarcolepticOuchMouse · 08/11/2018 16:15

He has a plot next to his late wife...so yes, he is indeed planning to be with her again and not, infact, anyone else.

To be honest I'm somewhat surprised at the reaction that one comment has got so I can only assume it's been misinterpreted or perhaps lands a little close to home for some. Either way you're derailing the thread from answering whether or not she should stay with him and offering any advice for the OP.

I'm sorry if I've offended anyone with that comment, that was not my intent.

Ellisandra · 08/11/2018 16:22

I have direct experience of a man buying a plot next to his wife.

When it’s suggested to you, when your heart is broken and you have nursed the woman you lived through to the end, with your early teenage children cried out of all tears, do you really think you’re in a place to think “actually - I’ll just take the one plot please - in 6 years time I’ll be sad that she died, but actually perfectly happy to love again and marry again?” Having bought that plot says nothing.

My husband loves me equally but differently.

He wasn’t sure if he should now expect to be buried with me.
I didn’t see any reason why he shouldn’t be buried with the woman that he loved and loves as much as me.

It’s just a burial plot! It doesn’t have some greater meaning..

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