My widower partner

[Scabby60]

I have been with my partner almost 6 years. He’s a widower and I never thought it would be so difficult to cope with this. We don’t live together and there are no plans to but now I’m thinking after all this time why doesn’t he suggest it? He lived with her obviously as they were married and she had a son from a previous relationship who also lived with them. He’s got a burial plot saved next to her so he’ll be going back to her in the end anyway. I resent the son also (he’s 21). He said to me right at the beginning that he ‘couldn’t make me any promises’ but goes on making holiday arrangements year after year. He buys me expensive presents and has never let me down in any way. I have always thought I’d end it soon but six years on I just can’t do it still. I can’t help thinking he’ll always love someone else and I’m getting really depressed about it. I am 57 and he is 46, I really don’t want to waste anymore time as I feel time is running out for me to meet someone else, and anyway I really love him.

It doesn’t bode well that you are reluctant to discuss the future with him.

It does seem likely that he doesn’t want what you want. This may or may not be connected to his wife having died.

Ellisandra It seems we place different values on the plot. My father was widowed when I was 11 when my mother died, so I also have some experience of how difficult that can be. I'm genuinely pleased to hear you've found happiness with your DP and wish you both well.

Thank you, and I’m sorry for your loss. You were the same age as my youngest stepdaughter when her mother died. It’s been very hard for her, and I can’t imagine how hard it was for you.

OP, I am also dating a widower and understand a lot of what you are saying. However, I tend to find that the 'widower worries' (eg the grave thing, anniversaries and people's response to him around them etc) tend to surface if I am feeling less secure about the relationship in general. It's like the widow stuff becomes the focus as a way of subconsciously diverting from the wider issues which has nothing to do with whether he is widowed or not.

In your case, I think it boils down to uncertainty about the future, and because you have concerns, you are channeling them all down the widow line. The real issue is that you need to understand what he wants for the future. You need to decide what you want, tell him, and see if he feels the same. If he doesn't you have a choice to make - either leave him, or carry on as things are. This situation could equally applied to a relationship where someone was divorced, it's about being widowed.

By the way, I do know know what you mean about the grave thing. Imagine being with someone for age as, possibly for longer than they were with their late wife, and then if they die first, having to go and visit his grave where they are placed side by side. It might make me feel like I'd been a bit of a 'stop gap', no matter how wonderful our relationship had been.

If we go on life expectancy, my husband will die 12 years before me, having been with me for 30 years, and his first wife 22 years. He will definitely be buried with her, as he owns the plot already and as it’s better emotionally and practically for his children for them to be together.
I shall consider it an honour to take flowers for both of them, given the love and loyalty he has shown to her for the past 10 years, visiting almost weekly.

Don’t be afraid of a man’s strong love for his first wife. It shows that he is capable of love and that having experienced that, he’s not going to settle for less. I am blown away when I see his love for her - because I know that’s what he feels for me. His marriage and his wife contributed to the man he is.

I ageee with LadyLouanne that this could well be insecurities for other reasons.

But please, don’t be jealous of his relationship with his late wife.

actually - I’ll just take the one plot please - in 6 years time I’ll be sad that she died, but actually perfectly happy to love again and marry again?” Having bought that plot says nothing.

Yep this.

He will definitely be buried with her, as he owns the plot already and as it’s better emotionally and practically for his children for them to be together.

And also this.