Leave DH during IVF?!

[DeerInTheHeadlights]

Will try to brief but not drip feed! Been with DH for a decade and TTC DC1 for 2 years and am in my first IVF cycle at present. Our relationship has been rocky the last 4 months as I started realising the reality of our relationship. DH is manipulative, controlling and over time has cut my contact with others so I have no friends. I feel so isolated and alone and am realising there is no future with him that will make me happy but am also aware that due to my age/health this is probably my only viable chance of having a child.

To add to this I have developed an unhealthy crush on a colleague ( I would never act on this) that is extremely intense, possibly limerence, and I feel instead of dealing with my problems I am just using this crush as a distraction and burying my head in the sand believing everything will just work itself out, which I know it won't.

I have no access to funds and DH has made it clear if I ever left he will make it as difficult as possible. As mentioned before I have no friends and family live other end of the country.

Just need guidance from others please! As you can tell I'm terrible at making good decisions for myself and really need a talking to/ kick up the backside to sort my life out! Thanks in advance mumsnetters.

Are you sure this isn’t being caused by the IVF itself? IVF is so stressful it can cause you not to see straight. If you were fine with your DP prior to starting then I suggest you speak to your clinic’s counselling service before making any decisions.

You would be mad to continue the IVF given what you’ve said about your relationship.

If you have a baby with him you’ll be tied to him forever,

Yanbu to leave during ivf. Better this than a few years down the line

Imagine having a baby with a manipulative and controlling man. That would be really awful.

What's this limerance everyone talks about all the time now? What's wrong with just fancying someone?

I definitely think that if you've realised during IVF that your relationship is abusive, you are making the right decision in NOT having a child with this man. This would only complicate your relationship further and you would be bringing a child into a damaging environment. It would also be even harder for you to leave, should things escalate.

I understand your anxiety about not having a child. What is your age? There may be other options available to you that would be better than this.

Do you have any savings? Has he always had access to the money? Can you get any free legal advice?

Is it possible to move back with family? How is your relationship with them?

Cherries101 - I only started my cycle last week so nothing to do with the ivf meds at all, but great suggestion about the counselling.

Purple daisies and the blue dog- I know you're both right and it's good to have that confirmed by you both thanks!

HollowTalk - I was using limerence as I keep seeing it recently too and it really does some up how I feel, it's just an intense all consuming crush and I find myself thinking of him from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. In my mind he is the perfect man and we should be in love with each other but I realise I'm delusional so don't worry .

Hardlessontolearn - I'm 39 and have other health complications too. I know you're right about bringing a child into this situation and it's reassuring to hear so thank you. I have a good job where i live but my family are just too far away to commute, I know my parents would try to help financially but I'm just so embarrassed to ask. DH has always controlled the finances so it will be difficult to just up and leave. I think the biggest sticking point for me is knowing if I leave I will probably never be a mother but I guess that may be the price I pay to find happiness?

If you have a child with your DH he will continue to try to control you even if you split.

Would you consider using donor sperm to have a baby? Could you go back to live and work near family to have their support?

I think you must leave if it's as bad as you describe. If you manage to have a child, you will be completely beholden to your partner and utterly miserable. Better to ask your parents for a loan in the short term and try IVF with donor sperm when you're back on your feet.

I've been through (failed) IVF more than once, and then the birth of a child. If you don't have a good relationship to start with, the stress and intensity of it all will destroy your mental health. And you will be incredibly vulnerable with a new baby.

At 39, you could have a baby by sperm donor. It is better than having a baby with an abuser! It is not your last chance to be a mum, but this may be your last chance to leave a relationship that is not making you happy

You’ll find it even more difficult to leave if you have a child, plus you’ll be forever linked to him. He will still find a way to try and control and manipulate you but through your child.

FrogFairy- I think lone parents are amazingly strong and I feel after this relationship I won't have enough mental strength to go it alone and the idea terrifies me! As I mentioned I don't have any friends but my only support network would be my colleagues at work therefore I would be devastated if I had to move away because i really would loose everything then.

Why would you choose to co-parent with someone who you know will make your life difficult? You sound very lonely and vulnerable, maybe this is clouding your view but you can do better than this horrible man. Good luck!

Co-parenting with someoe who is a controlling and manipulative person is NOT easier than doing it alone. I get that you don't want to but don't kid yourself that you'll somehow be strong enough to deal with him and a baby but wouldn't be strong enough to deal with just a baby.

ArkAtEee - I'm so glad your ivf worked in the end and congratulations on your baby. I think a loan from the parents is looking like a realistic option I know they will be so upset but happy to do what they can to help me.

Hadenoughnow22 - you are so right about this being the last chance to leave the relationship!

iThinkImGoingSlightlyMad - I definitely don't want to be linked with him forever once I'm free!

ChodeofChodeHall - lonely and vulnerable are me to a T unfortunately! I think being single is better than being with him now, thanks for your encouragement 

My question now is how do I end it and leave? I'm so afraid to talk to him, I know it is so ridiculous and I resent that due to him I have no friends to turn to or stay with for a couple of nights at least. I fear that when I tell him he will just throw me out on the street with nothing! I'm not even bothered about divorce at this stage at all I just don't want to be with him.

Thanks Kewcumber this is the type of reality I need to hear so I can start changing my life for the better.

If you have no kids, why would you be tied to him? How could he make things more difficult? Can you move back to where family are and start again?

My IVF didn't work (failed 3 times) but some magic let me conceive naturally some time afterwards. That's what I mean about the stress of it all, you really need a partner who has your back if you're doing it together.

On a positive note, I have a friend who is several years older than you and had a baby recently through IVF with a donor. She and baby are doing really well, so it's definitely something to consider.

Think about reaching out to older friends. They may have the measure of your partner and be interested in renewing the friendship.

Best wishes x

Do you own your home or do you rent? Do you have savings/debt? Whose name is it in? I would speak to your parents op, get everything for your future sorted before you leave. He won't have the opportunity to chuck you out on the street, you will be leaving him.

SnipSnipMrBurgess - my small family moved away from where we are from and due to too many outing factors it just won't be possible to live with any of them even in the short term. DH has full financial control and I need to keep my current job as it is well paid or what I do. I'm tied to him through years of an emotional abusive relationship and mentally I am just coming to terms with this and realising I can leave just not sure how.

ArkAtEee - thanks for the advise, it's reassuring to hear I'm not giving up all hope of having a child then!

InDubiousBattle - husband owns our home, we have joint savings but I have no idea how to access these or even which banks they're with! Would like to arrange what I can before speaking to parents.

I know I sound like a clueless fool but what things should I get sorted before leaving?

It'll be the hormones, love

Run to your family and get a divorce (where you will get access to funds) this is not a man you want to have a baby with

Tablesalt- that made me laugh, I wish it was just some recent hormonal issue but I think my DH being a long term arse is the real problem.

You have a claim on them - speak to a solicitor and start the process you have to go

I think you need to stop the IVF process - it's not just you who would be at the mercy of your abusive DH, but also any child you bring into the world. This would be the worst thing you could you as you would be perpetuating the abuse cycle into another generation. No child deserves that.

You have so many positives working for you -
you are child-free so in splitting with your DH there would be no long term ties;
you are in FT employment so have access to money and the independence that buys you;
you are only 39 - you still have time to conceive, as a PP mentioned you could go down the donor route.

You say you are isolated - but if you were to leave you could forge new friendships, meet a new man, move back to your home town and get a new job. The world would be your oyster. so your isolation is easy to sort out.

Please don't continue with the IVF - it will just make things so much worse.