Leave DH during IVF?!

[DeerInTheHeadlights]

Will try to brief but not drip feed! Been with DH for a decade and TTC DC1 for 2 years and am in my first IVF cycle at present. Our relationship has been rocky the last 4 months as I started realising the reality of our relationship. DH is manipulative, controlling and over time has cut my contact with others so I have no friends. I feel so isolated and alone and am realising there is no future with him that will make me happy but am also aware that due to my age/health this is probably my only viable chance of having a child.

To add to this I have developed an unhealthy crush on a colleague ( I would never act on this) that is extremely intense, possibly limerence, and I feel instead of dealing with my problems I am just using this crush as a distraction and burying my head in the sand believing everything will just work itself out, which I know it won't.

I have no access to funds and DH has made it clear if I ever left he will make it as difficult as possible. As mentioned before I have no friends and family live other end of the country.

Just need guidance from others please! As you can tell I'm terrible at making good decisions for myself and really need a talking to/ kick up the backside to sort my life out! Thanks in advance mumsnetters.

Well in that case, knowing that you need to go is the first step.

You need to get strong enough and get your ducks in a row.
Have you any one you can confide in?

I would not recommend bringing a child into what you know will be an unhealthy relationship. Even if you really want a hold so much, it's just not the right thing to do for the child's sake if anyone's. Not saying you won't look after your child properly but if you have a choice I think you shouldn't. There's always fostering also.

Well he sounds financially and emotionally abusive. Before telling him anything I'd get my ducks in a row as much as possible. See a solicitor for legal advice. See if you can do some digging while he's out. Where does he keep documentation? Look at the history on his PC.

Open a new bank account and get your salary paid into it when you have a new address. You don't want him intercepting your mail.

Personally I'd keep cards close to my chest until I had my exit plan completely in place, as in 'see ya' while you walk out the door with your stuff. Tell your parents so they can help, as long as you can trust them not to interfere.

Quartz2208- I've had a look at filing for divorce but it's a lengthy process and I really need to look at leaving my DH ASAP otherwise I will be pressured into seeing this IVF cycle through or being kicked out with nothing. I will pursue what's financially owed to me via divorce once I've broken free.

I feel sick to my stomach with fear and now know I need to leave, I guess I just need to find somewhere to rent and speak to parents re helping with the upfront cash to do so. I have a job and will need to up my hours to support myself financially. Will have to look at budgeting to see where/what I can afford to rent or houseshare maybe?

YouDontKnowMe - you and the previous posters have helped me see I cannot go ahead with the IVF and I won't, thank you.

EdieLizzard - I know I'm partly to blame for the stupid situation I've put myself in, I will literally need to tell DH tonight due to where we are in the cycle. This is why I have posted today because it's literally now or never to make this decision and leave. God knows what will happen tonight. I think i will need to pack a bag and be ready to find a local hotel at short notice or be even braver and try and kick him out instead?

SnipSnipMrBurgess- The only person I can confide in is Mr Crush but it's just too embarrassing! I'd be happy to tell him after I've left and sorted myself out.

DPotter - thanks for your honesty I really do appreciate it and it builds up my confidence.

OP - some of what you wrote - TTC for two years and IVF now - does sound like the past few years have been difficult - and most relationships do struggle through that....

As to our chance of having a baby - you are right to worry that time is almost up....
If you jsit started the cycle - i’d not stop it - but rather harvested and frozen the eggs....

In reality, personally - i’d go through with it - and frozen the left over eggs if there are any - as it’s the best chance you have, realistically...

You’ll have a lot of people here tell you that you need to treat the world as b/w and that fairy tales happen.
I view this as more a pragmatic situation.

Maybe it is indeed that you have no future. Or maybe it’s a reaction to the years of TTC and your are depressed.
Your H - you spent a long time with them and thought he could be a good father - so you tried to have a child with him.
He can still be a good father. You haven’t spent 10 years unhappy.

And - from a pragmatic point of view - if you did get pregnant - the child will be in a better financial position than if you used a donor on your own.

I’ll be flamed for sounding calculating, etc. But - so be it.
Yes - calculating and pragmatic.

Josuk - thank you for adding a different perspective. I feel like my relationship has just been to be submissive to DHs needs and wants and I stupidly believed that having a baby would change the dynamic of our relationship but I think I'm now seeing this won't happen and may even get worse.

I feel like I'm thinking clearly for the first time and realise that I would be happier without a child and single than stuck in my unhappy marriage. At least it gives me a chance to start a new relationship in the future without having any ties to DH.

What you also need to do is open your own bank account and get your wages paid into that immediately. Do not continue to have them paid into a joint / his account. It Is your money, your wages, not your twat of a husbands to have and control. That is financial abuse.

Once you have a child, you will never be free of him.

I'd rather be childless than tied to a man who controls me for the next 18 years.

You still have choices by leaving. By staying, you have none.

Thank you to everyone for your advise and support. I've made my decision to leave DH and stop IVF immediately. Going to start making arrangements now to get out of this mess.

Will try and update thread soon. Thanks again mumsnetters.

OP - if you think you might want to have children one day - do consider freezing your eggs now.
As the above poster said - if you are in the early stages of IVF cycle - you can change what the doctor is doing with the eggs.
At your age - egg quality is rapidly diminishing.

Freezing your eggs just gives you an option for the future.

Good luck.

I think you've made the right decision. A baby with a man like this would be a nightmare - you'd never get away from him.

@DeerInTheHeadlights Good luck.

If it helps I am a single parent by choice (via adoption) when I was 41 and I can't tell you how many times even when it's been tough that I've thanked my lucky stars that I wasn't co-parenting with exP

Speak to your clinic regarding your options for the IVF cycle you have started. Could you pay for donor sperm and freeze the resultant embryos? Could you freeze any eggs that get retrieved (note that frozen eggs have a poorer success rate than frozen embryos)?

(But don't use DH's sperm to create frozen embryos - under UK law he is able to refuse you permission to use the frozen embryos. And if you do have his permission you could be co-parenting with him for decades. From what you say, it sounds like it will be a nightmare. It is also unfair to bring his child into the world without telling him in advance that you are seriously contemplating divorcing him).

OP. You’re only 39. I hadn’t even got married at that age let alone had my kids! I know lots who have had kids in their 40’s, including me. If you aren’t happy don’t waste anymore time. Leave and move home to be near family and friends. Save up and do your own IVF. You don’t need an unhappy marriage to get a baby!