Expectations too high?

[PookieDo]

I have been on a long but good journey with myself over the past 10 years and my self esteem is higher than its ever been. But I wonder if I have swung too far into the territory opposite my previous low self esteem with too high expectations and low tolerance levels?

I also wonder if I have become one of those women who has been so long without a real partner that I find having one just adds to my mental load. Happy to get flamed as a judgmental bitch if that’s what you think!

I am dating a guy who is sweet, kind, funny and attractive. He ticked quite a lot of my boxes. I never thought I was shallow. Until now.

initially the sex was not off to a good start but has improved a lot - but I feel that I had to do a lot of this work to achieve this.

I am a proactive person who just gets stuff done. Need to cook food for 7 people? Plan ahead and get it done. Him - dither and faff about. He doesn’t have enough plates or cutlery for everyone but still invited 7 people for dinner. The dinner was also extremely basic and not particularly nice (think the cheapest things you can buy in Aldi if you had your last £5).

Onto the next point: I earn more than him simply by working more hours. He is self employed and seems to get by on a low income but has no evident passion to work harder, earn more. He has young children and does Half of the childcare (holidays, school runs) which I can understand... but so did I, more than he has his children, and I still worked more hours. He often does jobs for other people for free.

His house is very neat but covered in dust and not that clean. Mine is less tidy but in addition to working more hours having my kids more my house is significantly cleaner than his.

I have actually found myself saying the words ‘so what did you do all day..?’ when he has no kids or kids in bed and guess what - while I am working from home in the evenings he is playing PlayStation 4 or hours in the pub.

We arranged a date recently which I paid for and he turned up to with no money, chose expensive items to eat and drink that then I had to pay for at the till when he said he had no money on his bank card, but then produced £40 in the car and wanted to go to the pub after.

He’s also hinted that he thinks we would make a great match because I am a hard worker. I take this to be him thinking I will earn all the money and clean the house?

Oh god no. I wouldn’t put up with that! A great match because you’re a hard worker! Sod that. I’d dump him for that alone

I probably should have added prior to his dinner for 7 I had made a meal on a previous occasion, and although I didn’t spend a lot on it, I put a lot of time and effort into making it really nice. Then to be served slop in a plastic bowl was not very endearing

What on earth are doing with this man? He's horrible! And I would have taken that £40 and gone home with it.

I was gobsmacked by the £40. He hasn’t done anything that directly points at horrible, more thoughtless and I am starting to think he just sees me as a mealticket.

So get out now, if that's what you think. He's lazy, as well, while you're not - that's always a mismatch.

I know I can see we are mismatched hugely. I suppose I feel like I am being shallow, so I need to feel better about owning my reasons!

He sees you as a meal ticket. That’s quite enough reason to end it! Yuck. You deserve a lot better!

Massive red flags everywhere so please Run!!

And he’s got massive lazy cock lodger written all over him.

See if he asks to move in with you. Then you will know he sees you as a meal ticket.

Ok I am going to do it. Not tonight but tomorrow. Shall I just text? I don’t think it needs to be face to face after dating 2 months? Or is that more respectful. He asked me if we were in a relationship early on and I said that we should not rush in in case we find we are not a match. Despite this I think he has over invested in my bank account

@Bananalanacake

No he wants to buy the property he is in one day which he will get at a reduced price so doesn’t want to cocklodge with me. He has no chance of a mortgage though on his own.

I have just had a realisation of another incident. He clearly hadn’t brought any money on a day trip out because I had an issue transferring funds from one account to another on my phone and had to call the bank to sort it out which took ages. In the meantime he did eventually pay but had to put it on a credit card to do so for which he didn’t know the PIN either and had to log in online to get it!

That's ok then. Don't move in with him or he'll expect you to be his cleaner. But it sounds like you are already aware of that.

I don't know if your self=esteem can swing too high in this regard, ie, that you no longer tolerate unsatisfactory relationships like you used to. So basically you think you still want to be in a relationship even though rationally you know that you don't have to be in a relationship if it's not worth it! so maybe your self esteem hasn't improved as much as you think it has or you wouldn't be questioninng yourself like this. You'd just know, it's not worth it on balance so I'm out. That's ok. You're second guessing yourself.

Yeah I think I am second guessing, possibly as initially he paid for some dates and wouldn’t accept going half. I also hadn’t been to his house or eaten his food until very recently. Then suddenly I am paying for everything, doing all the driving and I can clearly see he’s being a lazy git

I mean I know I can’t go out with him anymore, I don’t even want to suggest going out or doing anything in case I am expected to pay for it all! So now all we have been doing is sitting indoors. I don’t earn as much as what he thinks but I am better at managing money and don’t have debts.

Thanks I just think I needed to talk it out

Yeah.. Get rid

Don't lower your standards. I repeat, don't lower your standards.

You're better off single until you find someone who is worthy of your time, energy and attention. You already know this.

When it comes to dating you can’t have too high standards. If you only want to date a one legged 6 foot red haired plumber called Bob then that’s your choice. It’s not working for you, end it.

(BTW wish I’d listened to my own advice when I was younger)

Thanks I know I am! I miss being single already!

I’m still feeling cross though. With myself and him for being such a selfish twat. when i last saw him I didn’t turn up as early as he would have liked and wouldn’t stay as late. I had to point out to him he had worked 10 hours across 3 days and I had worked 22 hours across 3 days, was rushing about like a lunatic with my own DC so the childish pouty face was offputting.

Ugh, no. He's a selfish twat and is now showing it in spades.

Keep your standards high. I met some nice enough guys when I was OLD but it was only the guy I'm seeing who is perfect. I am busy with work and kids and my social life so would only want someone who added significantly to my life. Had I settled for one of those no ve enough guys, I wouldn't have met this guy (Also on OLD).

You're carrying him this is not attractive. And as others have said, no, your standards cannot be too high in terms of finding someone who is worth of your time, energy and attention. And it wouldn't matter if a pack of strangers on the internet all chorused 'Oh, poor diddums! He's trying!' it's not working for you, which is the only measure that counts.

So what is the best way to end things cleanly?