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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband used leading double life... What to tell our sons?

32 replies

Dietcoke131 · 06/11/2018 22:12

Hi Everyone,

First time posting and I have started this so many times, it's actually really difficult to say (type) out loud. So I am going to try keep to the facts and forget about a million emotions that go with this but would really appreciate some help...

Basically my Husband (9 years together) used 'The Script' in August, not that I even knew it was a thing but I DO NOW! Although 'he didn't love me anymore' and saw more as 'JUST the boys Mum' we agreed to respectfully keep on living together until our oldest son, age 4, left his private day care nursery and started primary school. However this didn't go to plan as he couldn't look me in the eye anymore which led me to go through everything on his laptop and finding out he was actively leading a single man's life messaging and setting up 'drinks' with multiple other women. So after the complete lack of respect and regard for my feelings, I packed his bags and off he went to his parents.

Since that night in August there have been no further discussions on our romantic relationship and have purely just been focussing and communicating about our two boys, age 4 and 2 years old. Both boys have had their birthdays which we celebrated altogether as a family.

However it is now nearly 3 months later and our sons still do not know about the seperation or that their Dad is not living with us anymore. They are used to him working a lot so I have mainly used that as an excuse as to why he isn't here as much. He does bed time 2 nights out of the week and has them on a Saturday, during this time I go to work.

Our eldest son has been asking a lot of questions and making some comments to different people about his Dad. I am worried that while we have been trying to protect him from this mess that actually we have been making things worse for him by lying. Sometimes he seems sad and confused other times he doesn't question anything and just gets on with his day.

His Dad now has the lifestyle he probably dreamt about for 9 years... city centre apartment, man about town etc. I feel a lot stronger emotionally and I am in a better place than I was. Do we tell him the truth? Do we keep up this act we are still a family? Do we leave it until after Christmas? I just want to do the right thing for my sons but I don't know what that is as it is just so hard... Any views or advice would be really helpful....

OP posts:

PouchofDouglas · 06/11/2018 22:16

Oh for goodness sake ! Why have you left it so long? Think your ex is getting a really cushy number.
Sit the boys down. Tell them

whatbeshrekking · 06/11/2018 22:17

Tell them. There's never going to be a good time. But they are small, hopefully they will adjust fairly quickly

AnyFucker · 06/11/2018 22:19

How long do ypu plan to keep up with this farce ?

Veryberrycherry · 06/11/2018 22:30

Bloody ell. Go easy on op.

I would tell them ASAP. Don't leave it any longer.

cestlavielife · 06/11/2018 22:37

He us 4. He will go off and carry on playing.
Stop having exh round to put them to bed.
Start sending the dc to be with h i m for the day.
Say "daddy has his own house now. you you going to play at daddy s house. Isn't that fun? " tell the truth at 4 yr old level.
If he wants to put them to bed he needs to arrange his flat to have them to stay.

Original poster

Dietcoke131 · 06/11/2018 23:58

Oh sorry I thought I had deleted this because it had posted twice...

Thank you for your replies, I need to hear genuine people’s views and advice so I appreciate the honesty.

There’s quite a few reasons why we have postponed telling them, mainly the eldest. Ultimately I needed to come to terms with things first, emotionally, finically etc. Starting big school, stay at home mum starting working again, little one starting nursery, birthdays... there’s been so much to deal with. They seem settled, adjusted to a new lifestyle well but in all honesty I’m scared of upsetting them and disappointing them...

OP posts:

Villagelifer · 07/11/2018 03:56

OP how sad to hear your husband would act like that having such young children.
Unlike previous posters I think you should do what's right for you and your children when it's right for you and your children.
They are little and they don't need to know everything if it's going to upset them.

mumto2babyboys · 07/11/2018 04:02

Don't tell them. They are too young also don't let him come over for bedtimes that's too intrusive and at some point will have to stop so try to gradually fade it out.
What if he meets someone else or you do.

He sounds like a coward walking away from his family just to act like a teenager again

mumto2babyboys · 07/11/2018 04:02

He sounds like a coward walking away from his family just to act like a teenager again

mumto2babyboys · 07/11/2018 04:02

He sounds like a coward walking away from his family just to act like a teenager again

DonkeyPlease · 07/11/2018 04:23

The longer you leave it, the more painful and upsetting it's going to be for the eldest in particular. You have a tiny window of time to get this change over with while they are still small enough not to blame themselves or read too much into it.

My youngest was 3.5 and while he was v unsettled for a few weeks due to having to get used to a new house (i moved out), he rapidly got used to it. He's perfectly happy now.

You're literally making it worse for eldest with each week you leave it... Please put him first!!

penisbeakers · 07/11/2018 04:32

You aren't doing anyone any favours dithering about not saying anything.

Witchesbritches · 07/11/2018 04:55

I’m sorry you’re going through this 💐

As you’re beginning to realise, you’re not sparing them, you’re confusing them. Just because they can’t verbalise their confusion doesn’t mean it’s not stressing them out. They know things are different and ‘off’. The longer you carry this on, the more damage you’ll do to their ability to trust their own instinct.

Keep it simple, as another poster said, something like ‘Daddy isn’t going to live here anymore, he’s going to live in a different house now, but you can go there to play and have sleep overs’. Be clear it’s permanent. Answer any questions honestly and age appropriately. If the 4 year old asks why, tell him something like ‘It’s a grown ups thing between mummy and daddy, Daddy doesn’t love Mummy like Daddies are supposed to any more, so he needs to live in a different house’. It’s important he understands it’s a grown ups thing so he’s not worried that they will have to live in a different house if they’re ‘naughty’.

At their ages it’s a LONG time between now and Christmas. Tell them this week and they can have their first overnight this weekend. I KNOW that’s hard, but you ALL need to start dealing with the reality of the situation. Playboy needs to sort his flat and life out to include his DC, not just visit YOUR house. Put a stop to that too, he picks them up and drops them off at the front door. It’s YOUR house now, make it YOURS. Stop confusing your DC.

Decide who is having them when over Christmas, do not play ‘happy families’ together. Your DC are very young, make this clear now because you ALL need the clear separation of your lives. As sad as that is.

Be strong, you’ll all be fine x

brizzledrizzle · 07/11/2018 05:02

It seems to me like your eldest son pretty much does know even if you haven't told him; at the very least he's picking up on the way things have gone wrong between you and his father. Hard though it is, you really do need to sit down, preferably together, and explain it to them.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 07/11/2018 05:16

Tell them this weekend. Friday night. They are a lot more adaptable then you think. Just tell them they will like having two houses, two birthdays, two Christmas’s. Dad will see them just as much as he is. You both love the kids and that won’t change. The relationship between mummy and daddy has changed.

No they shouldn’t need to wait till you’ve worked your way through the issues. Making everyone wait a whole year is utterly crazy. Really unfair to them.

firefire · 07/11/2018 05:24

Good luck. Your intentions were good but now that your eldest appears confused I'd tell them.

So sorry OP

psicat · 07/11/2018 05:45

Agree with @Witchesbritches, that's some good advice on what to say and how to arrange it. it's only going to get worse otherwise and suppose they overhear a comment or confusing phone call? Kids are sharp even at that age, they may not understand the context but they know when something is up.

Also just to say sorry that's happened to you he sounds like a dick. Make sure you have time for yourself - when he has HIS children (he needs to accommodate them into his life not just using your place) you use that time to look after you! It can only get better now x

Itsnotme123 · 07/11/2018 05:55

The problem is that your children will look back some day and know you lied to them. A similar situation happened with me and my son didn’t forgive me. I think the sooner you tell them the better. BUT do it in a sensitive way. I think saying something like “daddy is very busy and has another place to live, he loves you very much and wants you to go there and play.” Also say “grown ups have lots of things happening sometimes and it’s easier if daddy has another place” don’t tell them you don’t love daddy any more, as that’ll come later, and it’s too hurtful for a 4 year old to handle. Good luck you’ll get through it.

Lou1920 · 07/11/2018 06:18

My parents separated when I was 5. I have a clear memory of my mum telling me daddy was leaving. I remember thinking, it’s about time she told me. Being a girl perhaps we are more perceptive but still, children are highly aware of what is going on.

bubbles108 · 07/11/2018 06:18

Tell your ex that you're speaking to the children today to bring them up to speed on the break up. Suggest he gets his flat child-proofed ready for a sleepover the weekend after next (if the children want to go) . Explain that you don't want him confusing the children by seeing them at your (their) house any more.

Tell the DCs that Daddy has moved out because he doesn't love Mummy any more but he really loves the DCs and they can go for sleepovers at Daddy's new place if they want to. Explain that this happens to lots of families and it's not a problem and in fact having two homes can be lots of fun

LizzieSiddal · 07/11/2018 08:34

My parents separated when I was 4, They said absolutely nothing to me and it confused the hell out of me. It affected me so much!

Your son knows something is going on and the adults aren’t telling him what it is. He will be confused and scared.

Sit down with you ex, decide what to say and then tell him together.

ButterflyBlue13 · 07/11/2018 10:20

I have two aged 5&9. I sat them both down and explained to them why mummy and daddy didn't live together anymore.

My 5 year old just carried on as normal and loves going to her dad's but my 9 year old has taken it a little harder and doesn't quite understand. Although she is getting alot better and also loves being at her dad's on a weekend. The hardest part of splitting up (we was together 10 years not a healthy relationship though) was telling my girls. It was the most painful thing I've ever had to do. They've taken it so well. I'm so glad I made the choice to tell them as i didn't want them to be confused as to why dad wasn't living here anymore.

When my mum left, my dad chose to not tell us why and it left me so confused as I thought it was my fault and that she didn't love us. It has cause a few issues as I've grown older to. I think the best thing is to be truthful and tell your little one.

Livella13 · 07/11/2018 10:24

My parents separated when I was 2, didn't tell me till I was 8 - by which point my dad already had another child with someone else. It did a lot of damage. Please tell your dc, putting off till after Christmas is pointless - there is literally no good time for this sort of conversation, it just needs to be had and the sooner the better really.

magoria · 07/11/2018 10:28

There will never be a good time to tell them you are no longer together.

The sooner it is done the sooner you can sort things out start to heal and move on with a routine where they stay at dad's sometimes.

mooncuplanding · 07/11/2018 10:32

My boys were 8 and 5 so a bit older but they say to me now the thing that hurt them most about the divorce was when I lied about him ‘working away’

My intentions, as with yours, were not to hurt them but unintentionally ended up hurting them more

The truth always wins

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