Husband used leading double life... What to tell our sons?

[Dietcoke131]

Hi Everyone,

First time posting and I have started this so many times, it's actually really difficult to say (type) out loud. So I am going to try keep to the facts and forget about a million emotions that go with this but would really appreciate some help...

Basically my Husband (9 years together) used 'The Script' in August, not that I even knew it was a thing but I DO NOW! Although 'he didn't love me anymore' and saw more as 'JUST the boys Mum' we agreed to respectfully keep on living together until our oldest son, age 4, left his private day care nursery and started primary school. However this didn't go to plan as he couldn't look me in the eye anymore which led me to go through everything on his laptop and finding out he was actively leading a single man's life messaging and setting up 'drinks' with multiple other women. So after the complete lack of respect and regard for my feelings, I packed his bags and off he went to his parents.

Since that night in August there have been no further discussions on our romantic relationship and have purely just been focussing and communicating about our two boys, age 4 and 2 years old. Both boys have had their birthdays which we celebrated altogether as a family.

However it is now nearly 3 months later and our sons still do not know about the seperation or that their Dad is not living with us anymore. They are used to him working a lot so I have mainly used that as an excuse as to why he isn't here as much. He does bed time 2 nights out of the week and has them on a Saturday, during this time I go to work.

Our eldest son has been asking a lot of questions and making some comments to different people about his Dad. I am worried that while we have been trying to protect him from this mess that actually we have been making things worse for him by lying. Sometimes he seems sad and confused other times he doesn't question anything and just gets on with his day.

His Dad now has the lifestyle he probably dreamt about for 9 years... city centre apartment, man about town etc. I feel a lot stronger emotionally and I am in a better place than I was. Do we tell him the truth? Do we keep up this act we are still a family? Do we leave it until after Christmas? I just want to do the right thing for my sons but I don't know what that is as it is just so hard... Any views or advice would be really helpful....

I'm sorry you're going through this. The hurtful things people do and say after they've decided to end a relationship with someone they loved for many years always astounds me.

I'd have told them three months ago. Depends on whether you're happy for them to figure out the truth themselves in time and realise that both of their parents have been lying to them. I personally think that that is worse than telling them and being on hand to answer their questions.

Thank you so much for sharing some of your experiences with me and some really good advice on how to to go about having that conversation. I know I need to talk to my eldest son and be there for him. I am just scared of his reaction but agree as soon as possible is for the best. I can't bear the thought of hurting them but know ignoring the issue is now not helping anyone.

My problem is, the reason why I allow him to come to our family home is because I don't want to loose them, I don't want them to go to his 'Flat', I want to be with them all the time, exactly how it was before he made this terrible decision for our family on our behalf...

We text literally everyday about the boys, I hate that we talk so much but feel I have to reply to him because when the boys are with him I want to a reply and to know how they are etc. so have to keep communication open. I didn't want birthdays split, I don't want Christmas split because that means I'm loosing out, being excluded from special times in their lives. Am I in the wrong? Should I let go and give them up to be a part of his separate life? It's so hard...

Well you know the answer. Parenting is about training children to live without you.

Hi dietcoke
Ive been watching your thread with interest. We have gone nearly a year separated without telling the children!! The only difference is that we are still under the same roof. Mine are older and must know something is up but have stopped asking about the sleeping arrangements for now. The reason is that we are trying to get another suitable property for him to move into and because of various reasons that is taking a while.

Its hard to deal with when you are trying to make things easier on the dc and he is only interested in acting like an arse. I had it in my head that when we told them we could answer all their questions about living arrangements etv but had no idea this would drag on so long!
So, I'm hardly in a position to offer advice, but will go ahead anyway😁 You need to stop.letting him do his daddy routine in your place. Make him step up to the mark and provide a suitable place for them. What you are facilitating at the moment is not sustainable anyway. You have no reason to continue to let him use you.
All the best xx

I didn't want birthdays split, I don't want Christmas split because that means I'm loosing out, being excluded from special times in their lives. Am I in the wrong? Should I let go and give them up to be a part of his separate life?

So sorry op but you're describing how you're avoiding accepting and grieving the end of family life as you knew it.

Your children will suffer if you put your wish not to experience loss, above their right to understand the truth, do their own grieving, and ultimately recover.

You can't avoid sharing them. Do it with good grace and learn to cope with it. Don't make them suffer so that you can avoid suffering

You can't avoid sharing them. Do it with good grace and learn to cope with it. Don't make them suffer so that you can avoid suffering.

This

I think you can compromise here because it's about raising your children. You should tell them that daddy has a new home etc but I don't see why he can't come and put them to bed/have birthdays/ Christmas etc together too. This is a wonderful opportunity to show your children that adults can still be kind to each other even when they've fallen out of love. It's not about punishing the ex (as much as you might like to ) it's about your children's happiness and their future relationships.