Would you be upset if...

[butcherswife]

Your sister went out for dinner with your aunt and didn’t tell you?

Please tell me if I am being pathetic but I’m just feeling a bit sad about it just cried at work The background to the story is that we lost our mum earlier this year, both DSis and I are late 20’s. We are a relatively close family, a few of us work together, often have family gatherings etc. Since DM passed away, DSis has been to auntys house on numerous occasions for drinks, dinner etc and neither of them have cared to tell me/invite me. We all live close together so it’s not as if it’s convenience.

Aunty has just come into work gloating how her and DSis are going out one night this week for food and drinks and how lovely it will be to catch up as they ‘haven’t seen each other for ages’… we only had a family gathering last Friday I text DSis saying thanks for letting me know / for the invite, I have spent the morning with her and she didn’t say a word, also text DP - he just replied saying don’t know why your bothered

Now I’m writing it down it doesn’t really seem a big deal, but I think it’s the fact that she has a mother figure in my aunt who wants to spend time with her and I don't really have anyone. Think I'm just having a bad day

It hurts if you feel excluded or sidelined, but at the same time people are allowed to hang out with whoever they want and they don't have to spend an equal amount of time with you.

You describe your aunt as 'gloating' but she may have considered it 'mentioning because she thought you'd be interested'.

You say you don't have anyone, but you spent the morning with your sister and you mention your partner. I think you've just lost a bit of perspective. Happens to us all on a bad day and if you lost your mum earlier this year, then it's completely understandable.

Do you ever invite your aunt to dinner or anything?

How much do you organise dinner with your aunt or sister?

Can you not arrange something with your aunt yourself?

I can completely understand you feeling upset and excluded, especially after losing your mum so recently.

That said, texts like this are really not going to help you:

I text DSis saying thanks for letting me know / for the invite

neither of them have cared to tell me

Your aunt made sure you knew this time; she told you herself. Sadly; you can't make them invite you.

I am sorry that this has hurt you. It may be worth trying to branch out in terms of family and making a support network that's a little further removed; incase you need them?

It's hard to lose a parent 

Is your sister on her own?
You've got a partner...

sorry for your loss OP.

The thing is though, you describe your aunt as “gloating” which isn’t very nice. Is it possible that she just didn’t want to be secretive about meeting up with your sister one on one? I often meet up with family members one to one, doesn’t mean I’m trying to exclude anyone. Just that sometimes it’s nice to have a catch up just the two of us.

What would happen if you said oh I'd love to join you? I understand why you feel upset about it though

If you'd just asked why your weren't invited, you'd probably have an answer by now. But your text is quite aggressive and makes it sound like you're really angry with your sister. This is more likely to mean she spends less time with you as she'll be worried about you becoming angry.

Invite your aunt yourself, ask your sister too if you want or don't, either is fine.

Everyone is an individual, allowed to build their own relationships without it being an attempt to exclude someone else.

Do you live with your DP?
Does your DSis have a partner?

You work with your aunt? Do you see her everyday?

I'd be upset by this. Your sis deliberately didn't tell you. Sorry you are upset, it sucks.

@OliviaBenson

But there might be a backstory as to why her sister didn’t tell her.

The OP sent her a passive aggressive text about not being invited which maybe she has form for and maybe her sister has learned not to share stuff with her in case she throws a tantrum.

I’m sorry you must miss your mum.

I’m sure if your sister and aunt knew how you felt, they’d invite you along. Can’t you just say “Please can I come, next time you go out?”

Thanks for the perspective all.

I do live with DP, sister has a partner but they don't live together, she lives with Dad at the moment. Maybe it was a passive aggressive text I sent to DSis, was just a bit fed up of often been excluded when they get together. I don't have form for this @HelenaWillis I am actually a really placid and it takes a lot to rattle me.

I don't work with my aunt, I do work with her husband and previously when DSis has gone for dinner I only find out the next day when uncle mentions it.

I think it's just because since DM passed away, DSis and I have gone our for meals and drinks with DM's friends and I would feel it unfair going on my own without at least asking DSis if she wanted to come.

The consensus is I'm overreacting, which I do feel I am, hence my post. I just can't warrant a reason for my behaviour, as I said above it's not really my nature to be like this

You havent answered if you actually make the effort to organise anything with your auntie. Or your sister.

@notaclue I see my sister frequently - 2/3 times a week, I was with her this morning. I see my aunt at family get together each month and sometimes if she pops into work. I do speak to her often too as we have a similar interest

I don't think you are necessarily over reacting. I would be hurt too...if my aunt didn't seem interested in seeing me. But if you saw her on Friday/last Friday and you see your sister a lot too then it does feel like an over reaction and them meeting up without you isn't a dig or anything.

If you only saw your only once every 6 months and she arranged to see her without telling you then I'd be but as she lives presumably within an hour or so if you're meeting once a month then you could just invite her to do something 121 too another time? Some times it's nice to see someone on their own.

Thanks @Mousey.

I am aware of my overreaction, I just felt left out that's all and I'm not really the kind of person to say 'where's my invite' or just invite myself.

I think people are being a bit harsh on you Op considering you've lost your mom this year and your aunt is probably the closest thing to her. I hate to even think about when I lose my mother and I'm a fair bit older than you

Honestly I would probably feel the same but would just maybe have taken the night to sleep on it before deciding if I wanted to press send or was being a bit over sensitive. I think next time maybe keep it to yourself and have a proper reflect (like you have now) before taking any action. It's okay to feel left out but sometimes our feelings aren't actually the other persons fault (IYSWIM).

You know your sister and aunt better than we do. Do you think they are excluding you on purpose, do they "click" more than you, is she an obvious favourite, is there other jealousy or resentment? Or is this the first time and otherwise you are pretty "equal" and treated as such.

So you see them both a lot.

It's perfectly acceptable for them to see eachother and arrange things together.

It is probably because you are still grieving. But you aren't alone. You have a sister and aunt that you see a lot. You live with your partner.

Your sister lives with your dad, which is different to living with a partner. She is more alone than you.

It's seems you have got into a bit of spiral. Which is understandable. Try not to take this to heart but also be kind to yourself

Thanks all. To be honest DSis didn't react badly to my text, I think she thought I was joking, she replied with a tongue out face. We have a really close relationship and i was just hurt that she didn't tell me.

DSis is a very obvious favourite and always has been although I don't feel she encourages much of the attention IYSWIM, it is often a bit of a joke between us.

When DM was nearing the end, Aunt would come and sit with me when I was looking after her as I was too scared to be with her on my own but would often just talk about my DSis and how tough it must be for her

I am an aunt and I see my niece and nephew separately. I don't gloat about it though, but sometimes it's nice to see them on their own.

I was a bit miffed last year as I invited nephew out to dinner and niece invited herself along. I always pay, and they know this, so I thought it was a bit of a cheek.

But I'd be upset if the other one was upset about it, but I'd also think it odd as I can choose who I go to dinner with and don't really expect other people invited along if it's an invite I've extended.