Is This Normal Behaviour Of An Ex?!

[FedUpAndExhaustedAgain]

Ive been with my boyfriend for 18 months now. It’s different to any relationship I’ve been in, things are different but in a great way! However, I’ve never dated someone who was married previously or had children. So I’m not sure if this is normal behaviour or I’m annoyed for no reason?

Boyfriends ex seems to “need him to do things” at her house all the time. Changing lightbulbs (seriously?!), broken washing machine, the kids are acting up, changing the loo roll (probably an exaggeration!). These things only seem to arise though if she knows me and him have plans. He will say we are having an evening away so he won’t be available, then all of a sudden, an emergency will arise and it will be made such a big deal about by her that he will have to go, resulting in our plans falling through. This has happened on a few occasions and I’ve reached the point where I no longer want to make plans to go away anymore.

I guess I’m just wondering if this kind of behaviour is normal of an ex who has children, or if she’s doing it because she either wants him back, or just doesn’t want him to be with someone else so he can always be available to her as and when she sees fit.
I don’t want to break up with him, he makes me happier than I’ve ever been, but this is taking a toll on me and he’s such a nice person that he doesn’t think anything is wrong and he just wants to help all the time.

After reading other threads on here, I feel like I have to clarify that I am not the OW, they had been apart for over a year before I met him, and we took our relationship very slowly at the start.

She sounds toxic and it isn't normal. Your boyfriend is the only one who can put a stop to this. He sounds nice which is probably the reason you like him so much but she's taking advantage of it.

Maybe sit him down and talk gently to him about it. Make sure he knows that you know he should help them if they need it but when it's silly things that she's perfectly capable of doing or waiting then it's because she's deliberately sabotaging his life.

Sounds like she’s dicking you both around. Not uncommon from ex’s of either sex when someone else arrives on the scene with their ex partner.

She may want him back, she may just be a controlling shit (there’s a reason they’re not together, after all) or she may just enjoy fucking you around. Doesn’t really matter, TBH. He’s got to put his foot down and stop it. He only has to say “no” and not be at her beck and call.

Tell him you’ve had enough and it’ll be the end of your relationship if he doesn’t put his foot down. If he continues after that then you have your answer and I’d be moving on.

This is your boyfriends problem to deal with - but he doesn't seem to see a problem, does he? Have you told him how the constant (engineered by his ex and enabled by him) interruptions of your plans is making you feel?

Yep. Your problem isn't with her, it's with your boyfriend.

I have spoken to him and explained how annoying it is that she can't seem to be self sufficient, but in his head, he thinks keeping her house maintained etc is beneficial for his kids. I get that, but why should my relationship suffer?? The last night away last week, I asked him not to mention it and see if anything would "arise" with her knowing he was near by and didn't have other plans. But one of his children let slip that we were going away. She called and said his youngest wasn't very well and was crying for their daddy, so he went around and lo and behold, nothing wrong with him, he was apparently sat playing his computer. My boyfriend maybe had a light bulb moment then, but I think he feels bad telling her he can't do things, because he thinks it will affect his kids. I'll have a proper sit down with him tonight after work, and explain that although I know he needs to be there for his kids, something has to change slightly regarding how much he does at her home.

Why is he telling her all your plans so she is able to disrupt them?

@CarolDanvers he tells her incase something happens with his children. Which I think just gives her the ammunition to create something to stop him going anywhere.

My ex was similar to this, in that he couldn’t let go of his ex wife. In the end it was utterly toxic to our relationship. He couldn’t see anything wrong with it, and it used to drive me barmy! I had to walk away for my own sanity, and it’s honesty the best thing I’ve ever done.

You have to talk to him and explain exactly what you’re feeling. If he continues then you need to have a serious think if you want to be in a three person relationship?

I get they have kids, I have a dd with my ex. But aside from organising when he will see dd we don’t talk. It’s not necessary. I think the constant dad being around without boundaries will affect the kids more in the long run, rather than a clean break.

I'd not be putting up with this, I'm afraid. Parenting your children when you have split with your ex-partner does not include being at the ex-partner's beck and call. This isn't actually about the kids - he's putting her whims ahead of your relationship. This needs to stop; he sees the kids as arranged but no more unless it is a genuine emergency and explain to his ex that if the washing machine is broken, she calls a plumber and not him; she can change her own fucking light bulbs.

I mean seriously, who can't change a damn light bulb? It's a joke! That's become a running joke among me and my friends. I'm very independent, I never ask anyone to do things for me. I do things myself and if I can't, I call the appropriate trader! She doesn't seem to know how to function alone, and I wonder if that's the problem. She's never worked a day in her life, she lives off of his money (that is a whole other issue 🤦🏻‍♀️) and doesn't see the need to work when, as she puts it, she's raising his kids so he should be subsidising her lifestyle. He's got himself into a big hole here with how much he has let her get away with and what she has become used to over the years. And I can't see her changing her ways, so he will be stuck like this til the youngest is 18 at least. I guess I have to sit down and think about wether I can put up with this for a long period if he doesn't want to do anything to change the situation.

Others have already said this. But his ex and the children do not need to know your plans. It has no impact upon them. If there was a problem I assume he has a working phone and car? He could get to the children regardless of where he is.

He needs to set very clear boundaries. Communication is about the children only. A difficult shift to make I understand. But they are no longer each other's go to for support. She needs other people to depend on.

Although I am bias as my ex wanted this sort of set up so he could still look like the good guy when he up and left me.

He needs to stop telling them where he goes etc. If she calls in an emergency and you happen to be away then they can sort some help. He's also got to start saying no. If she calls saying a child is upset then ask to speak to the child on the phone first etc.

He doesn't need to run straight over to change a lightbulb. I think he knows this.

I know someone like this and honestly, he wishes he could turn back the clock. He wishes he hadn't been such a dick to her and broke up his family. It's easy for him to blame her for the nagging and say that it's all about the kids but actually, he just still wants to be part of it all.

You should get someone who will prioritise your needs a bit more. You are at the bottom of the pecking order here

I had a RS like this and it was all guilt led
He felt guilty so he would do all these things and let me down
I dumped him

Yes, the one I know says it's guilt as well. Has he admitted he feels guilty OP? And was he the one that suggested things might change when they are 18?

Arrange a trip with friends and leave him behind. If he asks, just say "oh, I didn't think you'd be able to get away." GO, no matter how much he may complain.

Let him feel the heaviness and obligation of being on his ex's leash. It will begin to grate after a while. They broke up for a reason.

If he doesn't make changes to spend quality time with you, it's time to break-up. He might be the white-knight type. As you are so independent, he may always be looking to white-knight somewhere else.

Good luck!

How old are the kids? This is definitely not normal ex behaviour and he has to start telling her no. He shouldn’t be telling her all of his plans anyway. If an emergency arises then she can and should deal with it. If the child needs the hospital then yes he should be notified but that’s it. He needs to make it clear that if he is away then it’s only necessary to call him if an ambulance is called. She’s being a prize cow to be honest. I wouldn’t dump him yet because he sounds like a good and decent guy but make it clear that he can’t go running if she needs a light bulb changed. She needs to call an electrician if she can’t do that for herself or call a handy man.

He doesn't mention any feelings of guilt. Just think he feels obliged to do these things because it's the house god kids live in. He would rather give over half his wages to her each month to keep her happy than risk her being annoyed and keeping his kids away from him. I do think things need to change though, I can see myself snapping soon!

It does sound as though she's reacting to him going out and having fun with you, but I think there are a couple of things to consider.

One is that if she has to pay for help, that's money she can ill afford. If her ex can do the job, why shouldn't she ask him, rather than pay for a call-out which could be a couple of weeks' food money? His children live in the house, after all. If it's a job he can easily do, I can't see why he shouldn't do it, though of course not if he's got something else planned.

The other is that a lot of women are very dependent on their partners to get something done. I know lots of women who won't do anything practical around the house and will expect their partners to do it. If the guy leaves, it leaves the woman practically incompetent. Some women rally round and learn how to do things - this woman clearly can't.

I never asked my ex for help, but looking back now, I wonder whether I should have shouldered so many of the burdens myself while he was out having fun.

Simple he's using it as an excuse, he's not over their relationship and she's not over him or at the very least she's not over having power.
People use excuses to get what they want.
I knew a guy who would say stuff like this l, I don't want issues with her or she will stop contact or I want to make it easier to co-parent even though they weren't. And I said you can say that poop to someone who doesn't have dc's and a ex husband- I co-parent very well with my ex but there's no regular updates not requests by me, no over checking what he's doing because I am over it.
He admitted in the end, he was so used to life that way it was just his normal, and he could have life both ways plus it made him look like the good guy/ victim father trying his best.
Run and find a man who won't play games.
( P.S fathers can help, my exh helped me and my oh move house as he had a van and I was heavily pregnant- and the dc helped too, but that was a one off and we are so over it's just like a friend helping and he's their dad)

He's dropping you like a stone to change a lightbulb or fix a washing machine.

These are not urgent tasks. They can wait a day or two.

There is a reason he's doing it and I think you know that he prioritises his ex over you. He doesn't sound over it at all.

In this situation I'd definitely move on.

1/ he should give half his wages over each month if thats the cost of raising the children he brought into the world. I assume you don't have kids and don't know how much they cost. Its more expensive than you could possibly imagine.

2/ he is unwittingly or purposely traingulating you with his other woman (ex) and you're too daft to see it I'm afraid. Tale as old as time.

3/ he is the male figure in his childrens lives, of course he should fix whatever he would have fixed before. You provide and look after your children as long as they are children, that's your commitment as a parent.

It takes a strong stomach to be with a man who has other priorities as well as you, if you're not up to it, don't take on the role. Most women can't do it and certainly not if there are daughters from the first marriage, the jealous is all too much of their partners other 'girls'. Seen it so many times.

I don't mind him fixing things in the house, the point I was making was that these occurrences seem to happen when she knows me and him have plans. You can't tell me a fully grown woman cannot change a light bulb?! Behave! And yes, I have a child of my own who I raise single handedly with no financial nor physical help from her father, I'm more than aware of how much it costs to raise a child, and how difficult it can be at times. Oh and just to clarify another point, he wants to give her half his wages, that's fine, he should support his children. She then calls to "tap" more money throughout the month because she lives a lifestyle she cannot afford. When relationships break down, you have to adjust to a new way of living, that's just life, we have all done it before, unless we were lucky enough to fall in love and stay in love forever. Rare occurrence these days though, wouldn't you say??

I'd say your jealousy means this relationship is not a goer. He has a past wife and children. Financially that means he has a legal obligation to be tied to them. Her lifestyle is different to yours as a single mum with no financial support and that's part of the problem here. Comparison. I applaud you for taking care of everything yourself but their set up is different, its a question of whether you can hack it or not. Ps. Never mentioned the lightbulb.