WWYD? 18 yr old ds partying when we're away

[Babysharkdoodoodoodo]

Long one. Sorry.

Ok. So earlier this year we went away for a week. DS is now 18 and promised to behave. I said he could have his best friend round, but that was it.
Got back and place was ok, but a suspicious semi cleaned stain in living room. OH (stepdad) saw his camera flung on his bed and checked the photos. Lo and behold: pictures of a party!
Mass arguments and loud discussions ensued with DS having all friends banned for a month. Couldn't really ground him at 18. (Then)

Now latest incident; We went away for 4 nights and as ds is back at college, we had no choice but to leave him again. No family in local area and his dad is at the other end of the country. His pc has broken so I lent him my laptop for college work. And the idiot has uploaded pictures of another frigging party!

I'm away for 2 months for work in the New year and oh spends a few days away every now and again for work. I'm so tempted to just boot him out but obviously I can't do that. OH has suggested taking his keys off him and booting him out at 06.30 when we leave for work in the morning. DS still hasn't got a job (another bugbear) even when I've applied for him. I think he's not bothering to check his emails. He's got ODD and mild Asperger but this hasn't hindered him in anything else, like college.

I'm at my wits end and OH is also losing patience. He's already said that ds is not coming with us when we move house in the next year.

All ds is concerned about is sleeping, smoking weed with his mates and trying to scrounge money from me. All I give him now is a bus pass and a weekly gift card for Greggs so he will eat at lunch. I have a full fridge so he could make a pack up but that's too much bother. His dad sends him £20 a week allowance as well. I don't get maintenance as he's unemployed (Apple doesn't fall far etc)

Sorry it's long but I'm trying not too drip feed. It probably sounds like I don't like him and right now I really don't, but I do love him, if you know what I mean? I can't face the possibility that I might have to shock him by throwing hi. Out, but we're right at that point where we have to do something. He's never been spoilt and it's just this last 12 months that he's gone off the rails.

Thanks for reading this far and please don't be too brutal. I'm feeling quite upset and anxious already.

Well he's just come home. We read him the riot act and he's said he's not having a curfew set so he's going to move to a mates house (like his parents will let him) or down to Devon with his dad.

He just doesn't get it!

He really sounds much like any other 18 yo. Mine were both at uni at age 18 and i have no idea what they were up to. Surely he can have his friends round when you are away? It doesn't sound like there was any damage beyond one small stain.

It's his home. He had some friends over and cleaned up afterwards, I think you have to let that go.

The other stuff sounds like it could be a reaction to a tight reign to me. He's 18.

Are you really going to make your son homeless because he had a couple of parties where no damage occurred?

Sounds like standard teenage behaviour to me.

And if you stop giving him a Greggs card he'll likely use what's in the fridge...

Sounds like a typical eighteen year old.

Let him go. Time he branches out. If he doesn’t get a job, I’d give him an ultimatum anyway. Hard, but there’s no real reason why he can’t support himself, at least up to a point.

It wasn't just friends round. It was parties. He's now admitted he had 2 when we were away last month. I don't mind him having a friend round but we specifically said 'no parties'. And then he lied about it.
We don't even know these people who were in our house. How would you feel about strangers in your house! Potentially going through your things? What if had turned into one of those disastrous parties that you see in the press?

And he is totally unrepentant about it.

Sounds like he’s left school and is an adult ? Let him move out. It’s his life to live.

I would be furious too OP and he certainly should be in education or working at his age.

Going out clubbing, fine. But using your house as a party base is unacceptable so I understand your frustration especially after you told him repeatedly that you don't want him doing that.

I would kick him out of the house while your gone if he can't be trusted. Time to cut the apron strings.

If you don't want an 18yo to have parties you need not to leave him at home. By the time they're 18, you need to be able to trust that they know how to behave and who to be friends with. They don't learn that if you control them.

Would his Dad take him in whilst you're away for two months? Might be a good option.

I'd hate the idea of strangers in my house too .

I'm sure this isn't helpful but I'm late 20s so it wasn't so many years ago I was 18. My siblings are close in age too. I'm afraid almost anyone I knew had a party when parents were away. Some of them were absolutely awful. Whilst your sons behaviour isn't desirable it also sounds quite typical (granted some kids aren't like it but many are).

Making things financially uncomfortable may work in motivating him to find work. Granted it's also common for teenagers to shop lift and other stuff but he will get to the point where he wants money so he can have a big night out when his friends get jobs, etc. Might get him off his arse to work a few hours a week to start with.

Most of my friends sorted their lives out between 18 and 21 and started smoking/selling less weed when they had to get up in the morning. My brother was an absolute mess at 18. He got a shitty zero hours job about 19 and sorted himself out a bit- still smoking a lot but making money and not scrounging from parents. Then he got promoted and a girlfriend. He's got a wife, kid and a house now in mid 20s. There is a light at the end of the tunnel (statistically almost always!)

I may well be a former scumbag with scumbag friends but I don't think my experience is that out of whack with standard teenage stuff....maybe a bit dated now. But the teenage psyche I'm sure is mostly the same.

Moving to a friend's house whilst you're away is a good idea. Do you know any of his friends' parents to ask them? You can repay them the favour as they are probably worried about the same thing. You would need to make sure you had their keys though.

A few friends got chucked out for this sort of stuff as teenagers and ended up in hostels. They're mostly fine now but they were exposed to some rough stuff...and not all of them are fine. So I know he's an adult now and has to take responsibility for his actions but long term if you chuck him out and he becomes homeless it may be quite a big deal long term for his life projectory...

So there was no mess? You didn’t even notice? And your DH snooped on his camera?
A party is a rite of passage. Chill out.

Friends round and parties are the same things are they not? My DD's have had loads of people i don't know in the house when we have been away. The one thing i ask is that only she and her friends i know sleep in my bed and not her friends i don't know. I honestly don't think they will be going through your stuff apart from maybe your booze collection. Not many parties turn out the way you see in the press. Why do you think they would?

We don't even know these people who were in our house. How would you feel about strangers in your house!

Well he did a good job of cleaning and tidying up then - that's a good thing! If you were at home and he had a party they'd still be strangers in your house. It's his house too don't forget.

He's at college, that's his job. He has ASD and ODD, but is managing to go to college and has a social life. Those are great achievements given his issues.

And you want to read the riot act and throw him out of his home....

For full disclosure I've left my teens alone for a weekend and said I was happy for a party to happen as long as they cleared up afterwards, no one smoked indoors and no police were called.

Typical teenager. I did stuff like this and so did ny kids. In a few years they usually sort it all out. Now all really super sensible. You are OTT.

Oh and you should be utterly ashamed and embarrassed that your other half has already decided he can't move with you. What an appalling man.

Honestly, when I lived at home parties were one of my parents big no nos and both my sibling and I respected this despite our ages even 18 + ( their home/ their rules). It has happened twice.

I would advise him now that he will have to arrange alternative accomdation for those weeks and he will need to get a job to pay for it (threaten to change locks).

Otherwise could you arrange a trusted house sitter? Your house youe rules!!

I would not throw out an 18yr old for these things. It's an overreaction. Obviously it's not great that he's smoking weed and not working. But throwing him out is not necessarily going to help with that. I have an 18yr old - they think they're adults but still have a lot of growing up to do. He needs your support. If he has ODD then you need some very clear rules with clear consequences which you stick to. He is behaving like a child so you can have consequences as you might with a child. No WiFi, no money etc. Can you discuss with his dad to not supply money that is going on weed and put it into a savings account for him instead?

The kind of person who keep immediately jumps to ‘throwing out’ as a solution.... honestly how can you even call yourself a parent?

OP I had parties when my parents were away often. I knew who I’d invited and I cleared up any mess. If he’s doing that it’s fairly typical teenage behaviour.
I was never a weed smoker. My brother was though. My parents dispaired of him, he was lazy, no motivation etc. But they never made him homeless!! That’s not setting him on the right path. My parents moaned at him but eventually he realised if he wanted his own things (car etc) he needed to work. He’s now married with 2 gorgeous kids, he has his own business and is actually quite wealthy. He works hard and he’s a great dad. All (well most) teenagers go through this. I did and I’m now an independent career driven home owner too. Don’t give up on him, I think that’s the worst thing you can do. Maintain that stable base and he’ll come good.

Actually re-reading your OP I’d be even stronger. I think your parenting, and even more so your other half’s, is a disgrace. He’s got Aspergers FGS.

He has ODD so he doesn't like being told what to do.

He has Asperger's so has problems with social cues (like, you know, half of his college course arranging a party at his house).

And he's 18.

I'm all for high expectations but yours are off the chart.

Christ you lot must live in a perfect world. This has all been a culmination of other things. Note I said mild Asperger. His older brother was a heck of a lot worse with ADHD thrown into the mix, yet his behaviour never escalated the way that ds2 has. He has a great job and a lovely flat with a partner.

When I had breast cancer, one memorable example was him telling me to 'go die in a hole'. He has stolen, constantly lied, broken trust in so many ways. Throwing him out has never been the first reaction. We've tried everything, from the mild WiFi change, removing consoles. He had an iPad and phone confiscated by the police to be forensically examined after looking at lolly porn. Don't google it! Then I find hentai images on my laptop yesterday.
He continually gaslights me. If he was a partner you'd all be saying LTB!

The Greggs card was recent as I'm so fed up with funding his lunches, only for him to stroll in with the stoned face at 1am.

I know teenagers push buttons and boundaries. But I can't take it anymore. He's broken me. It's moot now anyway. He just said I'm going to a mates tonight and you won't see me again. And then laughed in my face because I was crying.

And then you lot just confirmed that I am indeed a shit parent. Maybe I should have just died in that fucking hole.

Op I don't think you should of
Died in that whole

I was a rebellious teen .. arrested drunk weed refused eduction you name it I did it and my DM singlehandedly raised me
She gave me enough room to breathe and privacy but enough rope to hang myself and face consequence

My DM was also seriously ill when I was young at no point in this time was I cruel to her she was and is my world even to date

What I'm trying to say is now I have my own little one I realise how hard I was on her
All you can do is always be there to
Guide but I would step back .. removing him from your house will not help but don't make it easy
No more Greggs let him live on 20 a week at some point he will hit rock bottom it's only way is up from there

My lovely DM had visions of me being in prison or a career criminal

I left school had my own DC own a pretty successful company and worship the ground she walks on .. I always say that would never of happened had I of been the perfect teen

Thinking of you x