WWYD? 18 yr old ds partying when we're away

[Babysharkdoodoodoodo]

Long one. Sorry.

Ok. So earlier this year we went away for a week. DS is now 18 and promised to behave. I said he could have his best friend round, but that was it.
Got back and place was ok, but a suspicious semi cleaned stain in living room. OH (stepdad) saw his camera flung on his bed and checked the photos. Lo and behold: pictures of a party!
Mass arguments and loud discussions ensued with DS having all friends banned for a month. Couldn't really ground him at 18. (Then)

Now latest incident; We went away for 4 nights and as ds is back at college, we had no choice but to leave him again. No family in local area and his dad is at the other end of the country. His pc has broken so I lent him my laptop for college work. And the idiot has uploaded pictures of another frigging party!

I'm away for 2 months for work in the New year and oh spends a few days away every now and again for work. I'm so tempted to just boot him out but obviously I can't do that. OH has suggested taking his keys off him and booting him out at 06.30 when we leave for work in the morning. DS still hasn't got a job (another bugbear) even when I've applied for him. I think he's not bothering to check his emails. He's got ODD and mild Asperger but this hasn't hindered him in anything else, like college.

I'm at my wits end and OH is also losing patience. He's already said that ds is not coming with us when we move house in the next year.

All ds is concerned about is sleeping, smoking weed with his mates and trying to scrounge money from me. All I give him now is a bus pass and a weekly gift card for Greggs so he will eat at lunch. I have a full fridge so he could make a pack up but that's too much bother. His dad sends him £20 a week allowance as well. I don't get maintenance as he's unemployed (Apple doesn't fall far etc)

Sorry it's long but I'm trying not too drip feed. It probably sounds like I don't like him and right now I really don't, but I do love him, if you know what I mean? I can't face the possibility that I might have to shock him by throwing hi. Out, but we're right at that point where we have to do something. He's never been spoilt and it's just this last 12 months that he's gone off the rails.

Thanks for reading this far and please don't be too brutal. I'm feeling quite upset and anxious already.

I don't understand posters saying that he's 18, so he can have a party if he wants. It's his mother's home! She said no parties. If he wants to live there, then he can abide by that simple rule. It doesn't matter that there was no damage. It's that his mother has set boundaries and he's trampling all over them. I wouldn't tolerate my son doing that either, no should she have to.

Wow OP think that might be what's known as a drip feed. People can only respond to what you first posted. I don't think you're a shit parent. He sounds really very difficult and I get that you are at the end of your tether but I don't think throwing him out is the answer. He sounds young and vulnerable. Of course the parties are unacceptable if you said no to parties but there has to be something in between that and throwing him out.

I’m shocked at how many people here are excusing his behaviour!!

We have all been 18 before. I was a huge party animal from the moment I turned 18 but I never lost respect for my parents or their house. I had friends over for drinks before going out, but never parties. It wasn’t worth the risk. I felt awful if a drink got spilt on the carpet.

Being 18 is no excuse. You have no idea who these people are that he’s letting into your house. It’s funny, there’s often threads on here where posters have moved into their in laws but come on here complaining about certain things whilst living there and the replies they get are always the same - it’s their house/rules if you don’t like it, move out.

It should be no different here.

Yes he’s your son. Yes it’s his home. But it doesn’t mean he can disrespect the people who put a roof over his head. I would let him move out to a friends house. Let him see how much harder he has it. He will learn his own lessons.

That is some drip feed. The actual definition of a drip feed...

Some teenagers go to house parties specifically to steal valuables that parents wouldn't even realise were missing until weeks/months down the track. You would have to be very naive to think that a house party is harmless as long as the mess is cleaned up after.

And even if the house appears clean, the cleaning was done by a teenager. You could never be sure that there wasn't traces vomit/blood/urine/semen around.

This is the OP's home. A place where she should be able to feel comfortable. Her son has not right to throw a party in her absence.

OP, it might be a little extreme but could you have cameras installed that link to your phone? If he has a party you will know right away. If you ask the guests to leave and they don't, this is considered trespass and you can call the police. I'm sure this will only have to happen once as I can't imagine he would want to be embarrassed like that twice.

You can't ground an 18 year old.

Well I didn't sleep much. Waiting for bus feeling like death now. Got that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as he definitely didn't come home. I'll have to call my exh later and no doubt he'll throw everything in my face again.
OH has gone for the next few days as well so I'll be on my own as well.

Just worried about what ds will do. I said that he could come home and he didn't have to move out until he finished college next year and got a job, but he just laughed and sneered at me.

That's an outrageous drip feed and also a major over reaction (tantrum).

Parenting teems is tough. Being a teen is tough. Especially if you have social problems, you can a mother who won't support you and makes you feel unwelcome at her home, a step father who thinks nothing is wrong with snooping through your things and a father who lives away.

Obviously things aren't good for any of you atm. That's not a clear cut as saying he's a terrible person or that you're a terrible mother. What he does need is unconditional love. I work with seriously disfunctional teens and without exception, that is missing from their lives.

It's a pity you massively fucked up posting here - if you'd have said what all the issues actually were in the first place you'd have got both advice and support. Instead of posting a pretty minor example then flouncing when everyone said things weren't so bad.

Can I suggest you start a new post, with everything in and don't drip feed this time.

I think you need to calm down. Being a drama llama doesn’t help anyone.

He’s 18, he’s staying at a mate’s, he’s behaved atrociously to you and now he’s going to find out what the real world is like - sounds ok to me. I know it’s worrying but really, take a deep breath, step back and let him get on with it for a bit.

And yes, if you want good advice give us all the facts. We’re not psychic.

Leave him to it. He’s looking for someone to blame and you’re the Judy in this situation.

He’ll soon realise that his feckless Dad isn’t going to be riding to the rescue anytime soon and he’ll need to grow up and stand on his own two feet.

We seem to infantilise late stage “teenagers” these days. He’s legally an adult and needs to act like one. Less than 30 years ago the common expectation would be that he’d need to be working if he hadn’t managed to get himself to Uni, and expected to pay rent until he could get housing of his own.

I know it’s a more difficult housing market now (believe me - I’ve been helping my DSS and GF find somewhere so I’m well aware) but finding somewhere to live is not impossible, and nor is finding work if you’re prepared to crack on. Your DS is much more likely to give his head a shake and sort himself out once he realises how deeply uncomfortable sofa surfing and being hungry and broke gets.

“snooping through your things”

..erm how I read it was the camera is the Stepfather’s which DS “borrowed!”
The laptop was the OP’s.

If you want privacy, act like the adult you legally are. Get a job, pay rent, stop mooching off your parents.

You were tempted to boot him out. Your OH clearly had a plan to do so at 6:30am every day. So he has made it easier for you and left. What are you complaining about now? Isn't this what you wanted?

I don't think you or your husband are horrible people, and nor do I think mild Aspergers is a get out of jail free card, or an excuse for many posters to clutch pearls and make you feel like asshole for complaining about him.

He's disrespectful , lies, says awful things to you, does whatever the hell he wants, spends whatever money you give him on weed ( probably deals since he hasn't got much loose cash) and uses his Dad and the threat of moving out to hold over you. Unconditional love is not going to fix this kind of behaviour - it'll just cause him to loose further respect for you . He sounds completely smug, and assured that this unconditional love will allow him to get away with any kind of bollocks he likes.
It's his parents home, there are rules. Repeatedly breaking them needs consequences.
Having a few friends ( max 5 in my estimation) over is not a party. A party involves lots of people , which I'm sure the OP will be able to judge by the kind photographic evidence he left after helping himself to valuable possessions that don't belong to him.

Time for him to get a dose of the real world and shuffle off to his Dads till his attitude improves. If you don't want to throw him out remove the bus pass and the Greggs card, take back your laptop and tell him to get his fixed. (Is it actually broken? Have you seen it recently or offered to get it fixed and him not be able to find it, due to him "accidentally "selling it?)
Time fro him get a job or complete a serious list of chores each week to help out.
The fact that you are waiting in fear for him to come home/not come home is no way to live.
Your husband is correct in not wanting him to move with you if he continues in the same pattern of behaviour especially as he can see the distress he is causing to you.

Behave like a twat, get treated like one.

( I'll bet the only time he ever does anything useful cleaning wise or top help around the house is when there is a post party to tidy up from).

I don’t want to google it but what is lolly porn??

He sounds horrible. He will be okay where ever he is OP. He wants you to worry and take the blame. He’s 18, if he’s old enough to lie and be abusive towards you then he’s old enough to sort out where he sleeps

I can’t believe people are saying it’s his house, he can have parties if he wants......no he can’t, there are house rules and the rules were, no parties!!! Just because it’s his mum & stepdads house doesn’t mean he can treat it anyway he wants, and it doesn’t matter if there was no mess.

Don’t throw him out (as in leave him homeless), if he’s already left, he knows where you are, text him, tell him the door is always open, because if you throw him out, you will just worry yourself sick. Your DH should NOT be saying he hasn’t to move with you to your new home, that is massively wrong, BUT I do agree he should be told to leave the house in the morning and not come back until later in the afternoon, that way he isn’t getting “too comfy” and thinking he can just lie in his bed all day playing a computer console or watching tv (or whatever he does).

It’s a little bit of “tough love” your needing to give him but don’t abandon him

I'll have to call my exh later and no doubt he'll throw everything in my face again
You don't have to tell him anything.
Your 'D'S can tell him.
He's a grown up now (well.... he should be) he can tell his dad what's gone on.

If he was a partner you'd all be saying LTB!
I am saying exactly this.
He's pretty much abusive to you.
He steals, he lies, he takes drugs, he doesn't contribute at all, he makes your life hell.
Get rid. Tell him to get to his dads. You'll happily drive him there!

The ridiculous this is, if he is at a mates house, you can bet he's like an angel and his mates mother thinks he's the bees knees!

Time for him to stand on his own two feet now!
You've tried.
You've done your best.
He's an ungracious little shit and it's time he realised what the big wide world is actually like.

Stay strong OP.
You do NOT deserve this.

You are not being unreasonable at all about his secret parties.
I remember my best friend’s 18th birthday party. It was arranged with help from her parents who had left the house for the evening as they trusted her. They also knew and trusted her friends. The neighbours were also informed.

It was a great night until the pubs threw out. Drunk gatecrashers arrived as they’d heard the party and trashed the place. We called the police, the neighbours called the police, we tried to get them out, stuff was nicked. It was awful.

We did our best to clear up as much as we could but I’ll never forget the distress on her Mum’s face when she saw the devastation of her home.

This was 30yrs ago, before social media, so we were just unlucky that gatecrashers found us. Nowadays with social media, it’s far easier to find out about parties and the risks would be far more than a group of gatecrashers turning up after closing time.

So I would read the riot act with him and if you are going to be away, try to get a house sitter. As for the rest of his behaviour, well I’m not a parent so don’t feel qualified to comment other than he needs a bloody kick up the arse.

He’s a teenager, this sounds like typical behaviour. His friends aren’t strangers.

Also, if a man, even my DCs father, told me that the DC are not moving with us when we move I would tell him to enjoy his new home. It is really peaceful living alone, no one leaving mess, using up the last of the milk etc.

Some fucking twats on here. A post the other day about the pregnant sister wanting her violent sister to stay away until she moved after being assaulted and you out were like... don't dictate to your mother it's her house. And now your saying don't kick an 18 year old stoner out who is vile. Op you have my sympathy and fuck the twats on mn living on a perfect world.... Let him go you did your job and tried he is being a cunt. Sorry but he is. And you deserve to live life after cancer not be wishing to be dead In a hole xz

I don't understand posters saying that he's 18, so he can have a party if he wants. It's his mother's home! She said no parties. If he wants to live there, then he can abide by that simple rule. It doesn't matter that there was no damage. It's that his mother has set boundaries and he's trampling all over them. I wouldn't tolerate my son doing that either, no should she have to.

I know right?

Thanks to the supportive pp's. And yah boo sucks to the helicopters.
I've texted him that he can come home and that I'm doing meatballs for tea.

I'm NOT being a drama llama, whatever that is. And I was trying not to drip feed but didn't think 'everything ' was relevant at the time. Post would have been pages long if I put everything in.

I've tried just about everything with him. Strict boundaries etc. He doesn't do very much around the house. His only responsibilities are the bins and emptying the ash from the fire. To which I get huge huffs and sighs when I remind him.

It was indeed oh's camera and my laptop, so no snooping there. And he's closer to 19 now I don't make much allowance for being an aspie as I'm one, as are my brothers and dad and eldest son. I've taught him so many coping strategies but he chooses to play on it. Also made so many appointments for him, with CAMSS and other agencies and he doesn't bother going.

Well I've left ball in his court now. I know he's safe, with a roof over his head. He knows door is open but also the very basic ground rules. Don't lie, be home at a sensible time on college nights, be respectful and look for a job. That's it. Hardly onerous?

I had a fair few wild parties in my parents absence when I was 18. My parents knew - I told them - but I didn't give details and they didn't ask. Similar level of damage to what you describe. I really appreciated that they let me have that freedom and trusted me. We have a good relationship now. Don't overreact.

Kennycalmit Loli Porn is basically cartoon paedophillia. Like Hentai/Anime, but with children.

If the house is clean and tidy when you get back then I don't really understand why you're so upset. It's pretty standard for teens to have mates over when their parents are away. My 17 year old DS does when I'm away. As long as they're respectful of the house and the neighbours and everything's tidy when I come home, then it's fine.

I wouldn't be happy about the weed smoking, but so many of them seem to do it, there's not really much you can do.

I don't think I'd go away for 2 months though with an 18 year old still at college. Is this absolutely necessary?