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Original poster

DP's SiL won't meet me - I just have to be gracious and not let it get to me don't I?

41 replies

DoNotRemove · 05/11/2018 18:13

I know there's nothing I can do about this, I just have to let it go, so I suppose I'm just venting.

Been with DP a year but his brother's wife refuses to meet me. In the summer she turned down an invitation to a family Sunday lunch in pub with DP & I, DP's daughter and her husband. DP's brother came which is the only time I've met him.

Her reason was that DP's ex (been apart 18 months, no kids, getting divorced) didn't know about me which made her feel awkward as they still live in the same small town and are in the same social circle. She was/is quite close to the ex - not sure what their relationship is like now but they were close.

So as not to drip feed, DP hadn't told his ex he was seeing anyone because it wasn't really any of her business and he was afraid of her reaction. Anyway as a result of SiL's issue he did tell his ex.

DP sees his brother just the two of them every couple of weeks. Brother says that SiL still isn't likely to want to meet me any time soon.

I know DP is hurt by this though he minimises it. From my pov he's very involved in my family and I'd like things to just be 'normal' with his family too.

His attitude is that she's excluding herself from our lives but I feel like it kind of cuts me out too - it would be odd for me to tag along to a boys' thing with him and his brother.

We will continue to invite them both to meet up with us and DP's daughter and son-in-law and it's up to her what she wants to do.

All I can do is be the bigger person, be gracious about it and not let it get to me isn't it? Surely she won't keep this up for the next 3 decades or more (we are all in our 50's and DP and I thoroughly intend to stay together)?

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 05/11/2018 18:16

How long have you been together?

Notacluewhatthisis · 05/11/2018 18:17

Sorry can see you said a year.

RebootYourEngine · 05/11/2018 18:22

Just keep telling yourself that it is her problem not yours.

Original poster
DoNotRemove · 05/11/2018 18:39

Yes Reboot.

It affects mine and DP's life though which I feel a bit sad about.

OP posts:
ChodeofChodeHall · 05/11/2018 19:16

Why don't you and DP meet up with the brother without her? You could still have a nice time and he will go home and tell her how nice you are.

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 19:33

Forget about her.. keep doing your occasional thing with the DP's Brother.. her loss.. Flowers

LadyLapsang · 05/11/2018 19:42

So he split up with his ex six months before you started dating. Do you think people might suspect some overlap? Also, I'm a bit confused. You say they don't have children and then mention meeting up with his daughter and son in law, did he have the daughter with someone else?

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 19:44

the confusion lays with the Bil's Missus.. nobody else.. Hmm

Musti · 05/11/2018 19:45

I'd go with him to meet his brother. Up to the stupid cow to join you or not.

Trampire · 05/11/2018 19:46

I get the feeling that she's basically treating you and reacting to you (obviously without meeting you) that your the 'other woman' and she's being loyal to her friend.

This is of course utterly ridiculous. I guess all you can do is carry on being friendly with DP's brother, extending invites etc.
Surely she dang keep this up forever. I'm sure the ex-wife will meet someone else soon too. It all seems a bit mad of her.

Notacluewhatthisis · 05/11/2018 19:46

I am imagining that all the sneaking around, though I get that it's non of the ex's business, has led the ex and others to believe you were the OW.

Swanhild · 05/11/2018 19:48

Well, if she's close friends with your DP's ex, and the ex didn't know he was seeing someone new, I can see why the SIL wasn't wild about the situation and didn't want to meet you while the ex was in ignorance -- I think it would be a nasty situation to be put in.

Obviously, that's now resolved, but you sound as though you only told your DP's ex because his SIL objected to her being kept in the dark. Perhaps she thinks you're underhand.

TheOneWith · 05/11/2018 19:50

So your DP has introduced you to his daughter, but is keeping you a secured from his ex? So is your DP’s daughter also being told to lie about your existence too? How old is she?

TheOneWith · 05/11/2018 19:51

secret from his ex

Bestseller · 05/11/2018 20:01

It wasn't fair to ask SIL to keep your relationship secret from her friend.

Is DP's daughter also ex's daughter? Was she asked to keep you secret too?

That's all downright weird and unreasonable if you had nothing to say, so I can understand SIL has reservations. Her issue is really with DP's behaviour of course, but she will have heard a version of events that suits your DP

Bestseller · 05/11/2018 20:02

*nothing to say hide

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 20:47

Her reason was that DP's ex (been apart 18 months, no kids, getting divorced) didn't know about me
So as not to drip feed, DP hadn't told his ex he was seeing anyone because it wasn't really any of her business and he was afraid of her reaction

reading the original post.... I think the OP's been perfectly clear why her DP didn't tell his ex of 18 months... and I see no fault in his reasons.... Hmm

Bluntness100 · 05/11/2018 20:52

I also can see her issue here. He hadn't told his ex about you. She is her friend, it's not fair to have basically put her in that position.

I also don't understand why he was scared. Is there a back story here or a drip feed coming?

Original poster
DoNotRemove · 05/11/2018 21:07

Also, I'm a bit confused. You say they don't have children and then mention meeting up with his daughter and son in law, did he have the daughter with someone else? Yes, daughter is in her 30's from a previous relationship.

I am imagining that all the sneaking around, though I get that it's non of the ex's business, has led the ex and others to believe you were the OW. We didn't need to sneak around, he moved away when they split. He only told his family about me once it was plain we were long term.

you sound as though you only told your DP's ex because his SIL objected to her being kept in the dark I didn't tell DP's ex anything - that was his job. I'd been telling him though that I thought he needed to for some time but, of course, it was up to him. That way the ex would (hopefully) realise they were absolutely over, and SiL wouldn't be in a difficult position, which I appreciated she was. I was actually quite grateful to SiL at the time. DP's brother and daughter weren't bothered - their primary loyalty would be to him I guess.

It wasn't fair to ask SIL to keep your relationship secret from her friend. DP didn't ask her it keep it secret. SiL could've shared what she knew but in fact she asked DP to lie to his ex when he told her he was seeing someone and say that SiL didn't know.

Is DP's daughter also ex's daughter? Was she asked to keep you secret too? No and no, as per above.

@Gemini69 - thanks

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 05/11/2018 21:16

reading the original post.... I think the OP's been perfectly clear why her DP didn't tell his ex of 18 months... and I see no fault in his reasons

I totally get his reason. My dp didn't go out of his way to tell his ex-wife either. We live quite far away and they don't have contact. She did get in touch and kick off, when someone told her, but neither of us cared. Dps sister is my best friend, both me and Dp discussed how she felt about dp not going out of his way to tell his ex-wife. She was fine with it, because she isn't friends with the ex wife and no contact with her.

But I can also see the other point of view. Many women post here about their husbands leaving and loads suggest he must have another woman. If the ex wife suspected there was a OW, then finds our her soon to be ex husband is with someone, it's likely she believes the op is the OW. Others in the small community Kay do too. The SIL has been put in a shit position. The ops Dp knew his stbexw was going to be upset, but didn't deal with it himself. He told the sil she could tell her.

That's really shit for the sil. Your friend is going to be upset to find her stbexh is seeing someone and you get to be the one to tell her?

I totally get her siding with her friend. I also get her feeling that the ops Dp has put her in a shitty position and resenting it. I also get her feeling that socialising with the op would be betraying her friend, if her friend is upset her stbexh is seeing someone.

Notacluewhatthisis · 05/11/2018 21:17

After my very long post. Basically, I can see both sides.

Original poster
DoNotRemove · 05/11/2018 21:21

I also can see her issue here. He hadn't told his ex about you. She is her friend, it's not fair to have basically put her in that position. Agree but that's his behaviour not mine, I was advising him to tell the ex for precisely that reason. (Though I could also see his pov about it being none of her business).

I also don't understand why he was scared. Is there a back story here or a drip feed coming? I didn't want to make my initial post too long though I thought people might question the 'scared' bit - it was a co-dependent relationship, one of the characteristics of which is that the co-dependent (DP) has a deep rooted irrational fear of upsetting the dependent (ex). There had been a lot of emotional drama at the time of the split and periodically after we were together, including pressure from the friendship group, aimed at pulling him back into line. He didn't want to reignite that and I don't blame him.

I also understand that that's probably going to influence SiL. I'm even wondering now whether she actually wanted DP to tell ex after all, maybe she wanted an excuse not to meet me so she could avoid the issue altogether?

OP posts:
LadyLapsang · 05/11/2018 21:21

Maybe it would be better to leave trying to meet his SIL until after he is divorced. It's early days and he is still married.

Gemini69 · 05/11/2018 21:33

I'm pretty sure his Ex won't be rushing to tell your DP that she's met someone else either .. and why would she for feck sakes ... Hmm

Original poster
DoNotRemove · 05/11/2018 21:33

Yes LadyLapsang I think that's the next milestone, or the ex meeting someone else if that's first.

That's what I mean I guess about being gracious about it - not letting it become personal, keeping the invitation on the table and being patient.

DP's only family is his brother and daughter and I don't want my existence to cause he and his brother to see less of each other.

OP posts:
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