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Relationships

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Original poster

DP's SiL won't meet me - I just have to be gracious and not let it get to me don't I?

41 replies

DoNotRemove · 05/11/2018 18:13

I know there's nothing I can do about this, I just have to let it go, so I suppose I'm just venting.

Been with DP a year but his brother's wife refuses to meet me. In the summer she turned down an invitation to a family Sunday lunch in pub with DP & I, DP's daughter and her husband. DP's brother came which is the only time I've met him.

Her reason was that DP's ex (been apart 18 months, no kids, getting divorced) didn't know about me which made her feel awkward as they still live in the same small town and are in the same social circle. She was/is quite close to the ex - not sure what their relationship is like now but they were close.

So as not to drip feed, DP hadn't told his ex he was seeing anyone because it wasn't really any of her business and he was afraid of her reaction. Anyway as a result of SiL's issue he did tell his ex.

DP sees his brother just the two of them every couple of weeks. Brother says that SiL still isn't likely to want to meet me any time soon.

I know DP is hurt by this though he minimises it. From my pov he's very involved in my family and I'd like things to just be 'normal' with his family too.

His attitude is that she's excluding herself from our lives but I feel like it kind of cuts me out too - it would be odd for me to tag along to a boys' thing with him and his brother.

We will continue to invite them both to meet up with us and DP's daughter and son-in-law and it's up to her what she wants to do.

All I can do is be the bigger person, be gracious about it and not let it get to me isn't it? Surely she won't keep this up for the next 3 decades or more (we are all in our 50's and DP and I thoroughly intend to stay together)?

OP posts:

Honeyroar · 05/11/2018 21:41

I get the feeling that once you meet her you might wish that you could go back to the time when she didn't see you. She sounds a bit of a nightmare.

I'm not saying this is the case here, but I knew someone who refused to meet his brother's new live in girlfriend. She hadn't done anything wrong, it was just the his brother had been such a shit to his ex he felt like he didn't want to be around to watch it if it happened again, or as he insisted, when it happened again. I used to tell him he was punishing an innocent person, but he was adamant. What I'm trying to say is it may be more about your oh than you.. Have you met his parents?

Original poster

DoNotRemove · 05/11/2018 22:23

Lol Honeyroar I have wondered that myself - about wishing I could go back in time. His brother apparently said 'You know what she's like' in explanation so you could be right.

Sadly his parents are both dead. All he has are his brother and daughter which is why I think it's sad for him that things are this way at the moment.

Hopefully in time it'll resolve.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 06/11/2018 01:34

Tbh you've met his brother and daughter. They're his blood relatives...forget about his SIL.

While he's still married..unless he changes things like his will...She's NOK. I'd like to see the divorce progressing.

When I read your OP..I had to check the date as there was an almost identical post a few months ago.

yakari · 06/11/2018 02:15

co-dependent (DP) has a deep rooted irrational fear of upsetting the dependent (ex). There had been a lot of emotional drama at the time of the split and periodically after we were together, including pressure from the friendship group, aimed at pulling him back into line

That sounds as if the Ex and perhaps circle of friends didn't think it was over, at the same time as your DP thought it was over! You may find they feel things were still 'being worked out' and do see you as OW or at least at fault for them not working it out.

Original poster

DoNotRemove · 06/11/2018 09:11

Tbh you've met his brother and daughter. They're his blood relatives...forget about his SIL. That's what DP says.

While he's still married..unless he changes things like his will...She's NOK. I'd like to see the divorce progressing. There's actually no such thing legally as NOK in English law. It's decided on a case by case basis and is likely that his son would be treated as NOK by hospital authorities if required etc. He's changed things like life assurance beneficiary nominations and the divorce is progressing.

When I read your OP..I had to check the date as there was an almost identical post a few months ago. That was possibly me - I've NC a few times since then. But before anyone wastes their time looking for inconsistencies - I usually change irrelevant details when posting in Relationships so it's likely the details don't match exactly.

OP posts:

Original poster

DoNotRemove · 06/11/2018 09:13

Possibly.

But my point in starting this thread wasn't really to try to understand why SiL was behaving the way she is, it was more about how I should handle it. After all, she's free to do what she wants.

OP posts:

brookshelley · 06/11/2018 09:17

If one of my friend's got divorced I would feel very awkward being friendly with her ex's new partner. I'd also hate to be put in the position of my friend trying to pull info out about the new partner. I don't blame her for avoiding you, and it's probably nothing to do with you at all but just with her staying loyal to the person she knows and not wanting to get involved in any potential drama.

Ellie56 · 06/11/2018 10:04

Just meet up with the brother sometimes and invite him round to yours. If SIL doesn't want to come, ignore her and get on with your lives.

SandyY2K · 06/11/2018 10:04

Don't give the woman headspace, as she's really nothing to you.

is likely that his son would be treated as NOK by hospital authorities if required etc. He's changed things like life assurance beneficiary nominations and the divorce is progressing.

That's good. Have you met his son?

ChodeofChodeHall · 06/11/2018 18:38

You haven't said why you can't hang out with your DP and his brother without the wife?

Original poster

DoNotRemove · 06/11/2018 21:31

As per my OP, I feel like it would be odd for me to tag along to a boys' thing with him and his brother.

But there's no real reason I guess.

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 07/11/2018 20:37

It's not really a boys thing though is it, I'm sure you could have the brother round or go out for dinner with him,

SendintheArdwolves · 07/11/2018 20:54

You're right OP - the best thing for you to do is to be gracious, keep extending invitations and not give it headspace.

Give the SIL the benefit of the doubt - if she is friends with the ex then she may feel a conflict of loyalties. She isn't doing anything wrong as such by choosing not to hang out with you. She isn't stopping the brothers from hanging out or insisting her husband can't meet you - she's just choosing not to hang out with her husbands brothers girlfriend. That's fine, right?

After all, what are your other options? Insist she meets you? Call her up and have it out? Say your partner can't see his brother unless his wife comes? And BTW, it's totally fine for you to spend time with your partner and his brother without another woman present - why do you need a chaparone??

Original poster

DoNotRemove · 08/11/2018 21:55

Yes Bluntness and Ardwolves there's no real reason why I can't spend time with DP and his brother I guess it's just more natural/usual for both partners to be there.

And yes, it's totally up to her what she does. I do feel for her in that I got the impression she's borne the brunt of the drama which she probably wants to avoid stoking up again.

Anyway, the latest is that they're going abroad for Christmas (for the first time ever). Which is probably a good way to avoid any issues. So, it looks like DP and I will be spending Christmas together.

OP posts:

PollyFlinderz · 09/11/2018 04:05

Who is it that has the son who’d be treated as NOK?

Original poster

DoNotRemove · 30/11/2018 18:08

DP has a son not a daughter, I tried changing some details to make the story less identifying but I guess the circumstances are probably fairly outing as it is.

Anyway, DP's B and SIL have now invited DP's son and his wife for a Christmas meal along with DP's ex (who is not DP's son's mother) and have made no arrangements to see DP over the Christmas period. I'm presuming that's because they she would have to invite me too if they did.

AIBU to think this is getting just plain weird?

OP posts:

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