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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH hit DS around the head

29 replies

TonyTeapot · 05/11/2018 09:57

He's contrite and repentant this morning but he wasn't at first. He was more angry that I told him in front of DS that daddy had done the wrong while I was comforting him. I'm really shocked.

Both DSs are at quite an irritating stage (7 & 10) and really wind DH up with general fighting, silliness and lack of co operation. Yesterday evening he was having a go at every tiny annoyance.

We have an agreement not to hit. His father was a hitter and DH hated it. When DS1 was younger I slapped his bum out of utter frustration and was mortifed - apologised immediately to DS and told him I was wrong, told DH as soon as I saw him and worked on the issue I had with irritability.

I'm scared at how DH snapped. I'm angry that he hit him on the head. I've said all these things to him. But this feels like a big line to me. He keeps comparing it the my smacking DS on the bottom and says I'm a hypocrite but it feels different to me.

OP posts:
Cherries101 · 05/11/2018 09:59

It’s not different at all. A single clip around the ear and a single slap around the bum are the same. If you forgave yourself for it why is his doing it an issue?

Zoflorabore · 05/11/2018 09:59

I would be worried in case your ds tells someone at school as this will rightly trigger a referral to SS.

Which ds did he hit? The older or younger?
Is he injured in any way?

TheDodgyDunnyOfDoom · 05/11/2018 10:00

Head definitely different to an arse.

Singlenotsingle · 05/11/2018 10:04

A smack on the bum won't do any harm. A smack round the head might damage his hearing or balance. Much more dangerous

Original poster
TonyTeapot · 05/11/2018 10:04

I haven't really forgiven myself Cherries TBH.

OP posts:
Greensleeves · 05/11/2018 10:05

Hitting a child around the head is dangerous, even if you dress it up as a "clip round the ear".

I think all hitting is wrong, personally. But hitting around the head is atrocious.

Your dh needs to stop making excuses and accept that he assaulted a child. It would be a dealbreaker for me (and for dh, if I hurt one of the kids).

Mousey765 · 05/11/2018 10:05

I don't think head is particularly different to bum. It's a hard to know without you being able to demonstrate but I've had slaps around the back of the head no more painful than somewhere fleshy like bum. Could be worse or "better". So without disputing anything beyond this, he might have a point that it is comparable.

However, being a hypocorite doesn't make someone wrong. Which he has acknowledged himself as he is now repentant (so presumably apologetic and knows what he did was wrong etc so agrees with you?)

Cherries101 · 05/11/2018 10:07

content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1983895,00.html

All smacking is wrong. And smacking a place we teach a child’s is their ‘private part’ isn’t doing them any favours in the long term.

Original poster
TonyTeapot · 05/11/2018 10:11

He's been saying things for a while to them like "if I did that when I was your age I'd have got a smack" so it feels like he's been trying to justify it in advance. Or not, I don't know... I know he's apologetic now, but more because he hates being in the wrong and wants me to stop being unhappy with his behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
TonyTeapot · 05/11/2018 10:15

I agree with you, Cherries. I feel shit about it still for those reasons and many more and would never do it again.

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 05/11/2018 11:53

A grown man hit a child on the head and you are not sure what to do? If he was my hubby I would insist on him receiving professional help especially since he has this history. If he refused I would leave him. They may be a next time if you do not - and can you guarantee he won't do something more violent or dangerous to your children?

Joysmum · 05/11/2018 12:02

For me what is most worrying is his reaction compared to yours when you smacked your child.

You did the right thing in admitting your mistake, taking ownership, apologising and making changes so it didn’t happen again. He hasn’t! Why?

peekyboo · 05/11/2018 12:05

There's no logical reason why 2 different age groups could both be classed as an "irritating stage". They're just little children doing what kids usually do. This is parenthood.

If you and your oh are so irritated by this, look at changing the family dynamic instead of blaming the kids for acting like kids.

Do you need to keep them active? Learn how to calm down? Do more together? Teach them how to play independently?

Calling it irritating minimises difficulties and puts the onus and blame on 2 children who rely on you for everything.

Eatmycheese · 05/11/2018 12:10

If my children's father ever hit them in such a manner I would struggle to envisage a future where we could continue to be in a family unit bringing them up together, except that I would fear he'd do it again when I wasn't there. I'd also struggle not to separate him from his breath if I'm honest, despite that being the worst thing to do.

He needs to deal with his inability to hold his temper when his children are just doing what all children do.

Your son won't forget what he did.

Eatmycheese · 05/11/2018 12:11

@peekyboo couldn't agree more

Original poster
TonyTeapot · 05/11/2018 12:20

peeky I think what I mean by 'stage' is the way they are together at the moment rather than their different ages. They haven't wound each other up before to the extent they do now.

However I can see it as irritating but don't get irritated anymore, IYKWIM. I can either tune out or intervene calmly as appropriate. DH can't - his default is to pick up on every whinge, fight and sulk and drone on or shout at them about how bad their behaviour is. Which obvs doesn't work. Nor does my attempts to get him to deal with them differently.

OP posts:
Eatmycheese · 05/11/2018 12:24

Could you benefit from some support in terms of parenting styles? Via counselling?

I couldn't put up with this and it will affect your children though you know this already.
How is your son with him today?

Original poster
TonyTeapot · 05/11/2018 12:34

DS seemed slightly subdued this morning. Counselling is probably a good idea.

OP posts:
Eatmycheese · 05/11/2018 12:49

💐 hope you're both ok

IHTQUESTION · 05/11/2018 13:21

Awful! This would make me see my DH in a whole new light... and not a positive one. DH needs help to control his anger.

What would DH do if school called and DS had got into trouble for smacking a, for ex, younger pupil around the head. Why should it be any different for an adult?

Orlande · 05/11/2018 13:35

A smack on the bum is legal whereas hitting a child on the head isn't - there is a difference in terms of how much damage can be done.

Is there a family support person at your school? Could you ask about a parenting class/group?

ferando81 · 05/11/2018 13:40

I was smacked as a child but only when I done something really wrong .I realised I had behaved badly and changed my behaviour..Big difference between the very occasional smack and a violent upbringing.

ABeanCalledHopeInAMadTin · 05/11/2018 13:43

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Cornishclio · 05/11/2018 13:53

Smacking the bum or round the head is wrong but definitely smacking round the head is worse. It is the reaction from you both which is different. You accepted you were in the wrong and apologised and your DH does not accept he was in the wrong probably because his dad was a hitter and he has normalised it. I think I would talk to him with no judgement and say it is unacceptable for him to do it and actually illegal now. My DH smacked one of my DDs on the bum years ago as a child and could not understand why I went off on one. He later told me his mum used to hit him with the back of a hairbrush on the bottom. If he persists in this it would be a red flag and he needs some anger control strategies.

Sethis · 05/11/2018 14:00

Define "Hit"?

Are we talking rabbit punch to the back of the skull, glancing open palm slap across the top of the crown, closed fist backhand to the side of the head?

Not because it makes a difference in terms of okay/not okay but it does make a difference in the implied level of control that your DH had at the time. An open handed glancing cuff designed to not do harm indicates a lot more thought and control than a closed fist punch which would indicate a complete and utter loss of control due to rage.

If it was the latter then I'd have serious concerns about leaving them unsupervised, ever. I would also be monitoring for signs of head trauma.

There is also a world of difference between a spank for a 1 year old and a strike to an 11 year old. The one year old is never going to remember that. The 11 yr old will quite possibly remember it for the rest of his life. I still remember extremely clearly the 3-4 occasions where my mum or dad struck me past the age of about 5. I don't think it damaged my psychologically, and I don't hold resentment for it, and I fully understand everything about the specific situations, but I still remember them like crystal.

If your son is subdued I'm not sure counselling is a useful first step. Professional intervention can maybe wait a little bit to see how things smoothe over (or don't). I'd be more inclined to have a sit down chat with your son and DH together and discuss exactly what happened, why, and how we're never going to let it happen again. I.e. your son is less of an annoying PITA and your DH observes a shitload more self control and restraint. They both apologise and try to do better. See what happens. If everything calms down in a day or two, great. If it seems to have opened up a huge gulf between them that lasts for a week or more, I'd maybe think about counselling.