If you and your mother can't be friends

[owlshooting]

I have just spent a couple of hours with my 81 year old mother. This is a very rare occurrence, but will become more frequent since we have moved closer to her. Once again it came home to me that I don't really know her/she doesn't know me . Once the obvious topics are covered, there is a stony silence. Neither of us can think of anything to say. Nearly everything she says irritates me. I'm sure she feels the same. it makes me feel so sad. I don't even like her.
I wish I knew what it was like to have a loving mother who I can really talk to. She tries, but we just don't connect.

Sadly I think I am in a similar position. I try and think up topics of conversation beforehand when I phone. I suggest you go frequently but don’t stay for too long. I can’t do this as mine lives too far away so I see her for several days at a time.
Any ideas gratefully received.

Well, she tries so that's something isn't it? If you don't like her very much I imagine she picks up on that and it's difficult trying to maintain a relationship out of a misplaced sense of duty rather than a naturally occurring affinity.
I have a couple of friends in your mother's age group who find some of their younger relatives somewhat tedious to be around.
Maybe she finds you a bit boring?

Watch tv when you go so ye can discuss the news or items of interest or a quiz.
Sometimes 81 year olds live narrow lives due to no fault of their own. I went to see my dm twice a week for her last years and we would watch a chat show. Then that would lead to other topics..like...was that an issue when you were young? Or what would your mum say to that..and then we would chat about her parents.
Acceptance is the key here. She is who she is so not going to change now. Just be expecting nothing and you won't be disappointed. I decided l have enough friends. That was a time to just give her some time and actually it turned out very precious.

Yes probably pallas, and I find her boring. It's a bit of a vicious circle. Little and often is the way to go I think. Thinking of topics of conversation beforehand is a good idea!

I have a very poor relationship with my mother too and dread spending time with her. To kill time, I try to think of safe topics of conversations, which tend to be stuff not to close to us (e.g. what happened to neighbours, aunt's latest holiday, etc), or something safe (nice 'boring' memory- remember that time we went to the seaside, etc). I have found anything more personal/political/parenting choices ,etc will lead to differences of your opinion.
Otherwise I second the TV thing!
Good luck.

My mum is a good mum, but she's my mum and not a friend. Little and often is the way to go.

Its never too late to build a relationship so if i were u i would try.
Im really close to my mum even tho she made mistakes when we were growing up x

You don't HAVE to be best friends with your mother.
Plenty of people aren't.
Take that pressure off yourself.

Do you play cards? Could you do that? Or take her somewhere? Go out for lunch so you’re not stuck in the house with nothing to say?

I did go out for lunch with her . It was okays until the conversation completely dried up and we both sat there in silence! I will think of topics beforehand though and try to do things that are distracting!

These responses are helpful. I get very anxious about any visits. I know I will be judged, other people/things around me will be needlessly judged, I will have done something wrong, but know I can never do enough.

I also find visiting my 80 yr old mother excruciating. I don't like her and she doesn't like me, we don't agree on anything, literally nothing. But she is losing her memory and getting frail and I'm an only child.
I call her weekly, I just let her talk and make the right noises at the gaps in her talking at me. It sounds callous but it's the best I can manage.

I think if I lived closer then I would go for the little and often approach too.

I totally get your problem, I wish I had a solution to offer you.

This is helping me too. I too have adopted the just listen and make noises in the gaps approach. It seems when many people get older they do talk 'at' people and seem to lose the ability to listen and empathise.

Stripe, I totally understand what you mean about never being good enough. It occurred to me yesterday that my mother always looks for what is wrong with people , especially me. I can't remember her ever saying 'that's a nice top your'e wearing' or 'your hair looks nice'. She always looks for the negative . She will comment if she thinks i am overweight, or failing in some regard. Yet I would never dream of making these comments to her. The older generation seem to feel they have a right to be rude and judgemental, yet deserving of respect.

I am just going to have to grin and bear it. The sad thing is she is driving everyone away because she has offended people or they just find her tedious. She doesn't realise how tactless and hurtful she can be.

Yes, discharging duty is about the size of it. i resent it a bit as she has never been there for me.

Can you take a crossword book with you and sit and do something like that together. Easier than having to engage properly, or if she will do so take a pack of cards and play a few games.

Just because there's a blood tie, doesn't mean you've automatically got stuff in common. Your personalities are different, like any random 2 people off the street. Then there's the generation gap. And if she's driving people away, how old is she? Is there a touch of dementia going on?

Have you got any old family photos you could take and discuss? Or something in the local paper?
I once heard a public figure give some advice about having to meet strangers and sit next to them at dinner. They mentally went through the alphabet and thought of something to say for each letter. I’ve used that at times when conversation dries up.

I love the alphabet idea! Yes I think she may have a touch of dementia. There seems to be no filter on what she says and does these days.
The photo idea is a good one. I need to have something else going on to distract us I think. Cards have never been her thing.
She tends to watch TV or start reading the paper if we are around.

Prep somethings to talk about. Once you have had lunch, take her home and either leave or watch TV together.

Dh and I are about to go and visit our mothers and mine is a lot easier than his because she has something to say and lets us have the TV on when she doesn't - so we can pass the time having a guess at the answers on Pointless, mocking the choices on Bargain Hunt, saying which house we would pick on Escape to the Country and so on.

At MILs it all gets a bit grim and we retreat into our laptops.

Mine talks at me it isn’t much of a convo, then it becomes very dull after a short time which seems to make her talk more to get me to stay
I never go alone I always take people with me as a buffer! So we see her in a family group

I feel the generation gap between my dad and I very strongly
We just have very little common ground we just don't get each other, I don't think that's anyone's fault it's just follows from are individual personalities and the different experiences we've had growing up and through our lives
I am more focused on connecting with my children because I feel that they need my help and support still, there's just not enough of me left to provide the same amount of support for my parent

If neither you nor your mother are enjoying these duty visits, OP, then why do you go?
Maybe you’d be happier socialising with your own age group and so would she. You could keep in touch occasionally via phone or Facebook or whatever.

And yes those early hints of cognitive decline the inappropriate responses the blank looks

Its actually encouraging to hear others experiences. I feel a lot of guilt about not being a better daughter, but I am wrung out from supporting my children. She is actually quite a selfish person, and always makes me feel bad after I see her.

It is hard to know if she is suffering cognitive decline and whether it is dementia, but I suspect she is on the way down a slippery slope.
I have moved closer to her in the belief I could support her, but find I wish I hadn't!!
It is true about the generation gap. Also she has extreme religious views and that doesn't help!