If you and your mother can't be friends

[owlshooting]

I have just spent a couple of hours with my 81 year old mother. This is a very rare occurrence, but will become more frequent since we have moved closer to her. Once again it came home to me that I don't really know her/she doesn't know me . Once the obvious topics are covered, there is a stony silence. Neither of us can think of anything to say. Nearly everything she says irritates me. I'm sure she feels the same. it makes me feel so sad. I don't even like her.
I wish I knew what it was like to have a loving mother who I can really talk to. She tries, but we just don't connect.

but I am wrung out from supporting my children
this is the thing, you are placed in an impossible situation where you have to do a kind of triage

I know what you mean about having nothing in common. That's how it is between me and my MIL and the relationship between us has always been strained for that reason. But it's easier to keep some distance when it's your MIL, it's DH's responsibility to keep up contact with her, and she's a loving Grandma to our DDs, so it doesn't really matter that she and I don't get on.

With my DM, it's more complicated. There's resentment because she didn't protect DSis and me from being being abused by our F, and she feels a lot of guilt about it. She says she didn't know anything about it, and neither of us entirely believe her. So she's always tried too hard and it's led to her being controlling. Now I'm low contact with her and I don't see it ever changing.

You can't change the way you feel. I think you should cut yourself some slack and not feel you should torture yourself by seeing her so regularly.

I'd suggest then that you come from a position of being kind to yourself.

You already know that:

• you have v little in common
• she has extreme religious views which when aired, you will find offensive
• you have many demands on your time - work, children, running your own life. Likely more than she had when she was at the same point in her life.
• she appears to be starting to have the beginnings of cognitive decline

With that in mind I'd set yourself realistic expectations about what your meetings are going to be like. She does love you. But she can't give you what you want.

I've had to do this with MIL and DM. MIL and I have 2 things in common - we both love her son and we both like a hobby she used to do. That's it. It keeps us going for about 20 minutes before we start to kill each other.

DM loves me madly and crazily. However she has never once listened to a word I've said. I'll just get a phone call from her saying she was in hospital for 3 nights last week. Thanks mum, I'd have liked to know. Infuriating. But it's her and I love the woman, even though she'll tell me I'm fat within 3 minutes of me seeing her.

You have the mum you have. They change as they get older and so does your relationship. Please don't feel guilty about that.

Thanks Anna, very wise words!!

It really helps to know others struggle with their mothers too. I suppose I assume most mothers and daughters aren't like this, but clearly, many are.

Everyone who has answered so far has given me really valuable insights, so thank you so much.