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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He said it’s me

30 replies

stonecoldstone · 04/11/2018 17:12

I’ve known things weren’t right for a while, I’m always wrong and treading carefully around him trying to keep him happy. Sometimes it’s ok but he mostly ignores me.

I’ve been reading and thought he ticks a lot of boxes of being emotionally abusive but I want to make things work. I don’t want to split the family up, I just want things to change.
I asked him if we could talk on Friday but he went to bed early.
So last night I tried again and he said it’s all me. I’m rude, I’m angry, I don’t speak to him like a wife should, he’s scared to talk to me. He turned the tv up half way through our talk so it’s like he doesn’t even care.
These are all the things I thought about him.

I asked him for examples but he couldn’t give me any, I could give him 100s but he didn’t ask and he wasn’t going to listen.

So now I’m left feeling really shit and thinking carefully before I speak. I really thought it was him but all day I’ve been questioning myself.

I always run everything past him, he checks our online shop in case I’ve done it wrong. My heads all over the place and I don’t know what to do. I feel sick. I know it’s not right but I can’t see how I can make things ok again

OP posts:
crappyday2018 · 04/11/2018 17:19

I'm sorry OP but you can't make things ok because you're not the problem. The more you try harder and harder to make him happy, the more miserable you'll become. I did this for years.
Why is it ok for you to 'try to keep him happy' yet he can't even sit and have a conversation with you. He is abusive towards you and you know it.
My ex was similar to this. He would treat me as though I was stupid and if I tried to talk to him about things, he would just ignore me. I used to do everything I could to keep him happy, walking on eggshells etc but it was never enough. It chipped away at me until I just couldn't take it any more and I ended things.
We'd been together 16 years with 2DS so it wasn't easy but I'm 100% happier now.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 04/11/2018 17:23

Sounds like emotional abuse.

Making you feel you are wrong or everything is your fault. Classic.

Sethis · 04/11/2018 17:28

He mostly ignores me.

I asked him if we could talk on Friday but he went to bed early.

He turned the tv up half way through our talk

Literal warning sirens. Big flashing red lights. Loud enough to wake the neighbours.

This guy doesn't respect you, doesn't value your opinions, and doesn't give a fuck what you think.

If he did, as soon as you wanted to have a serious conversation, the TV would have been off.

You need to get his attention.

Original poster
stonecoldstone · 04/11/2018 17:29

He’s told me off twice today. I’m just so sad and want him to understand. I don’t tell him off, he never says thank you when I give him his dinner for example but if the kids don’t say thank you he says pardon. I just don’t get it

OP posts:
CaledonianQueen · 04/11/2018 17:34

He is gaslighting you and projecting his awful behaviour onto you! I would read ‘Why does he do that?’ by Lundy Bancroft!

You are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you deserve so much better...

Original poster
stonecoldstone · 04/11/2018 17:37

Thank you for answering. I just feel so confused.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/11/2018 17:43

He does understand perfectly, he just likes making out you're in the wrong and keeping you on the backfoot. He's projecting his own behaviours on you.

There's no magic formula of words you can say to him that will make him stop and treat you decently. He likes things just fine the way they are.

peopleispeople · 04/11/2018 17:44

Sounds like my ex. I started a post yesterday after he dumped me... and it helps to get other's views. I too knew things weren't right, but would dearly (still) just like to fix them.

But it takes two and your DH doesn't look like he's going to admit he's doing anything wrong, much like my ex would get angry if I suggested he was being mean. I actually called him out on being abusive and he still blamed me.

Unless he takes responsibility, I don't think there's anything we can do.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/11/2018 17:44

Do read the book by Lundy Bancroft but do not let him see it.

You cannot make things work with such a man because of his emotional abuse towards you. He is also not a good father to these children because of his abuse towards you as their mother. Is this the model of a relationship you want to be showing them?

He knows what he is doing here and does not care for you at all. Ultimately you will need to leave.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/11/2018 17:45

Don’t be confused: he’s an arsehole, he is emotionally abusive, and you can’t make him see reason because he will never admit to his toxic behaviours.

It’s not you.

smartiecake · 04/11/2018 17:50

stonecoldstone it sounds like your H has already checked out of the marriage. I agree with others there is probably nothing you can do to change his behaviour. It sounds truly awful to live like that. He sounds like he is barely going through the motions.
Why are you prepared to accept living like this? Would you want more from a marriage?
He sounds absolutely vile, why is he checking the shopping in case you have made a mistake? WTAF?
You and your children deserve to be free and happy. We only get one life, please think carefully about how much of your precious life you want to waste with him.
I'm sure you are a lovely person. I hope you have friends and family around you who can help you reclaim your life.

Sally2791 · 04/11/2018 18:00

This is what they do - turn it all round - and they actually believe the rubbish they spout. Once you are out and away you will see and acknowledge far more. Nice normal good men don't behave like that. Make plans and leave for a new life.

Original poster
stonecoldstone · 04/11/2018 18:45

I need to feel like I’ve tried. I don’t want to be in this situation and just want it all to go away. At times I just feel so so stupid. I don’t want my children to grow up and be like me no.

OP posts:
MerryInthechelseahotel · 04/11/2018 19:07

What you don't want is for them to grow up like him surely. Have confidence to end this. You will not regret it.

smartiecake · 04/11/2018 19:11

But you have tried you have put up with his shit for long enough. If only one of you is trying it won't make a difference. He doesn't want to try. He doesn't want to treat you any better. You know this he has told you.

You don't want your children to see that an abusive relationship is acceptable. You need to show them it's not good enough and make a new life for you and them. He doesn't want to change. He won't change.

Sally2791 · 04/11/2018 19:14

I know exactly what you mean OP. However, I stayed many years too long,he only did counselling when I threatened to leave,he was convinced I was in league with the counsellor against him.I too just wanted to hibernate for 6 months and wake up with it all over.Sadly that can't happen,you are not stupid but please realise he won't change. Take strength from people here and escape. It's worth it,and shows your DC that you can be independent and make things happen. Just to things one step at a time.Good luck

Sleepingdog123 · 04/11/2018 19:54

Anyone who makes you feel like you could possibly do an online shop wrong is emotionally powerful over you. I mean, what's the worst that can happen with an online shop? If he's making you feel you can't manage that alone then I dread to think how belittled he makes you feel on actual significant things.

crappyday2018 · 04/11/2018 20:03

I mean, why didn't HE do the online shop then? I'll tell you why, because he hopes you make a mistake so he can berate you for it and make you feel useless.
How does he take criticism? Not well at all I bet.

HazelBite · 04/11/2018 20:32

My Ex h used to try and belittle me and when I look back he used to try and make me appear stupid.

It took me many years to realise (when a friend pointed it out to me) that it was his own inferiority fuelling this behaviour.
When I considered what my friend had said I realised she was right, I had more academic qualifications than him worked whilst studying supporting him financially through university. However I wasn't good enough, nothing I ever did was, he was my superior, I was stupid, and couldn't have any valid opinions.
Op he won't change or alter, and I know you will be able to cope perfectly well without him, in fact he is holding you back, don't let him stifle you and brainwash you into believing that you need him.
You need him like a hole in the head!

Original poster
stonecoldstone · 04/11/2018 20:50

I hear you but it’s so hard. He’s been so good with the children today and cooked dinner. I think maybe I expect too much.

OP posts:
Sleepingdog123 · 04/11/2018 21:21

Yeah. You're bang out of line expecting courtesy and respect.

Said no one ever.

Sorry, didn't mean to be harsh but if it's something that's important to teach your kids it's something that's important to practice as a parent and not an unreasonable way to expect your partner and you to behave. With courtesy and respect.

Monkey see monkey do.

Bottom line is the worst course of action would be to do nothing. If you want to work on things you need to find a way to address it. A good technique is to say "I". "I feel stupid when you speak to me that way" is harder to deflect from as those are YOUR feelings. Rather than "you doing X makes me feel..." Which puts someone on the back foot to defend. Good luck xx

yorkshirepud44 · 04/11/2018 21:31

No you don't expect too much. You know that really.

Bury your head in the sand by all means, but you will need to leave for things to improve. I am sorry.

Butterymuffin · 04/11/2018 21:45

Practicalities - do you work, does he? Whose name is the house in?

Original poster
stonecoldstone · 04/11/2018 22:07

We are married, house in joint names.
I just think that I need to make of an effort.

OP posts:
Sethis · 04/11/2018 22:10

@stonecoldstone

He values listening to the TV over you, your feelings, and the state of your marriage.

What part of that is your fault?